HAVE A SEAT.
- HELLO, I'M RICH FULCHER,
AND TODAY I'M GONNA INTRODUCE ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE LAWYER.
YOU KNOW, THIS DEVICE CALLED THE REAPER,
IN THE 19TH CENTURY, PEOPLE WERE LIKE,
[guttural noises]
AND THEN MCCORMICK INVENTED A AUTOMATIC REAPER.
PEOPLE WERE LIKE,
THIS IS CRAZY. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
JOHN MANNY SAID,
I INVENTED THE AUTOMATIC REAPER,
AND THEN THAT MEANT THERE WAS
A BIG LUSO--LU--LAWSUIT.
I INVENTED THE REAPER, YOU MOTHER[bleep].
I
AND MANNY GOT SOME PHILADELPHIA LAWYERS
CALLED HARDING AND STANTON AND WATSON
AND SOME OTHER PEOPLE.
THESE GUYS ARE LIKE,
WE'VE GOT TO, UM, DO THIS WITH A LOCAL GUY.
THEY DIDN'T KNOW ANYBODY, SO THEY HIRED THIS GUY.
LINCOLN WAS THIS LAWYER, MAN.
HE WAS, LIKE, A LAWYER.
LINCOLN ANSWERED THE DOOR.
STANTON WENT, HE'S LIKE SOME SORT OF NERD.
LINCOLN'S, LIKE, A NERD.
AND, I MEAN, IT'S NOT EVEN, LIKE,
A FUNNY SITCOM OR ANYTHING.
AND THEN THIS GUY, WATSON, LOOKS AT HIM AND SAYS,
OH, [bleep], HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE, LIKE, A WATSON, OR--
HE DOESN'T HAVE A WAT-- A WATSON?
HE DOESN'T HAVE A... VEST.
WHOA, WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LINCOLN WAS, LIKE, VIEWED AS PERSONA NON GRATA.
THE CASE CHANGED TO CINCINNATI.
STANTON AND HARDING GO,
MM-HMM, WE DON'T NEED LINCOLN ANYMORE.
BUT LINCOLN DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THIS [bleep].
HE WOULD JUST KEEP RESEARCHING AND RESEARCHING.
OH, YEAH, BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP.
I'VE BEEN JUST GOING ALONG WITH MY OWN FUN.
HE WOULD WRITE. HE WOULD BE LIKE,
AM I INVOLVED IN THIS CASE OR WHAT?
FINALLY, HE FOUND OUT THAT THE CASE HAD BEEN MOVED
TO CINCINNATI, AND HE WAS LIKE,
[bleep]! I'VE GOTTA GO TO CINCINNATI!
SO, HE WENT.
LINCOLN WENT UP TO THE HOTEL WHERE ALL THE LAWYERS WERE,
AND STANTON SAW LINCOLN COMING HERE--COMING UP.
STANTON WENT TO HARDING,
OH, MY GOD, THIS GUY IS A LANKY,
GAWKY, AWKWARD, APE-LEGGED,
APE-L--ARMED MAN.
THIS GUY IS WEIRD. THIS GUY IS LIKE AN APE.
HE'S GOT APE ARMS.
HE'S GOT, LIKE, APE, AWKWARD ARMS.
THIS GUY IS, LIKE, AN APE, AWKWARD GUY.
THIS GUY IS AN APE!
AWK--AWKT--"AWKSWARD"!
HE'S LIKE AN APE-MAN.
THIS GUY IS LIKE AN APE, AWKWARD MAN.
LINCOLN STAYED FOR THE WHOLE CASE.
THEY'D JUST GO ON
WITHOUT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING LINCOLN.
THE LEGAL ARGUMENTS THAT WERE MADE AND THE STRUCTURE--
OH, MY GOD. THIS IS THE WAY TO DO IT.
LIKE, OH, [bleep].
IT WAS JUST, LIKE, A MYRIAD OF WONDERMENT.
I'M--UM--UM--
HUM, HUM, HUMMA, HUM, HUM, HUMMA.
HUMMA--LINCOLN! - [laughs]
- MANNING WON.
AND EVERYTHING WAS GREAT.
SO LINCOLN GOES BACK TO CHICAGO,
LIKE, I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO NOW.
I'M GONNA STUDY MY ASS OFF AND GET THINGS GOING.
I'M GONNA GET MY [bleep] IN GEAR
OR I'M GONNA BE MR. [bleep] HOUSE.
AND FIVE YEARS LATER,
HE BECOMES... THE PRESIDENT.
HERE'S THE THING--
BECAUSE STANTON WAS PART OF THE FIRM THAT SAID,
WE'RE, LIKE, NOT INTO YOU,
LINCOLN SAID,
I'M GONNA GET EDWIN STANTON
TO BECOME SECRETARY OF WAR.
HOW COOL IS THAT?
WHEN LINCOLN DIES, HE SAYS,
NOW HE BELONGS TO THE AGES.
AND LINCOLN GOES,
[bleep], THAT'S GREAT.
- WHAT'S THE BIGGEST LESSON TO LEARN IN THIS STORY?
- MY... BALLS ARE BIG.