If you've seen any action movie in the last 20 years you're familiar with the
hostage negotiation scene. Holster that weapon!
You too! All right, come on,
what else do you know me to do with it? Ha? I don't know how you
could do any better, ha?
This is a scene where maybe there's a kidnapping or there's a bank robbery and
the FBI is called in to negotiate the release of some hostages.
Well today I've got an interview with the guy that actually does those
negotiations. Chris Voss, author of Never Split the Difference, former FBI
negotiator and now a professor at some top Ivy League schools.
He also does consulting for FBI negotiations for the movies.
He's got several tips that he shared on how to negotiate better
and these are applicable not just for FBI negotiations, but for all the
negotiations you do in life. From sales and business all the way down to parenting.
So let's jump into it!
I was FBI agent for 24 years, ended up being the FBI's leading international
kidnapping negotiator. Actually became an FBI hostage negotiator 1992
while I was an agent in the New York office of the FBI. Was working on the
terrorist task force in New York. So, all of my experience with the FBI's been
in terrorism and kidnapping. And in 2004 met my friends at Harvard Law School, started
to try to exchange information with them. Ended up going through their course in
2006 and then teaching there in 2008 right after I left the bureau.
Rule 1. Never go for a win-win
Compromise is really horrible. I mean it's just really bad all the way around.
There's usually one of two problems with compromise. Either it's
a tactic of a cutthroat negotiator
because they try to appeal to your fairness. Fair is
what I like to call the F word. Somebody is fair on you they
really just punch your emotional buttons. They say you know I just want what's
fair, let's be fair about this. But they started out by asking for way more than
they wanted in the first place because they know if I want a hundred dollars
out of you I know if I ask for 150 or 175
I can say you know let's compromise here when we settle on a 100.
So it's a manipulation.
The analogy that I that I love is if I'm wearing a grey suit
yeah I think I should wear brown shoes and you think I should wear black shoes
I'll tell you what - we'll compromise. I'll wear one black one brown.
Number 2. - get them to no. No is a fantastic word to get the other person to say because of
the emotional effect that has on them.
I mean when people say no they feel protected and if they feel protected
they have a tendency to relax a little bit. They sort of center themselves
emotionally and they're actually a lot more open to listen at that point in
time. You know yes is commitment. We always worry about what we let
ourselves in for.
If I say yes to this what are the consequences that I don't
know about? What if there were hidden traps here? And there's always traps.
There's this absurd idea out there and it is actually a study. It's called mere
agreement. M-e-r-e agreement.
And I checked the study and the conclusion of this academically sound
study is that if you get somebody to say yes a lot of times or more times to the
little things are going to say yes to the big things. You know, they had some
some people that were doing
negotiation simulations. So they were involved in negotiations where they
weren't actually psychologically emotionally invested in the outcome so
in simulations and they found that in fake situations if someone says yes to
you a bunch of times you're more likely to get a yes in a fake situation. And it's an easy
habit to get into because a lot of times we're just trying to get confirmation of
information. So you know, it isn't true that we've got a call scheduled for
Tuesday. And if I would've asked you that you'd stop and think like - 'all right so
before I say yes it is worth going? What does this mean?'
3. - the goal is to hear that's right
When somebody looks at us and says you're right
we're so happy. We're happy, happy, happy. Because also we like being smarter than
other people. But again the flip side of it is - your right is what somebody says to
you when they like you, but they want you to shut up.
They want you to shut up and leave them alone and go away.
I mean we have learned, the other way around if we've got someone that we're
working with or anybody we're ... somebody's trying
to convince us of something and he won't leave us alone.
They go on and on and on and on.
If we look them in the eyes and say you're right. They shut up and leave us
alone.
So the flip side is when somebody says that's right
they just pronounced what you said as the complete and utter truth.
The truth.
And since it's the truth they don't distance themselves from it you're not
getting you're right you're right.
What you get is somebody who goes: 'That's right!'. And they completely embrace you.
Big thanks to Chris Voss for coming on the show.
Hopefully those tips are helpful to you. Check out his book Never Split the
Difference if you want some more info on that. I read it in an afternoon - pretty
quick read.
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I'm Alex Berman, thanks!