A few weeks ago two black men were arrested in starbucks
The crime?
First-degree waiting around for their friend to show up.
And since then, it seems like there's been an endless stream
of viral racial-profiling incidents.
Man: Kenzie Smith says he and a friend
were setting up for a weekend cookout,
like they have done for decades with their families,
when he says they were approached
by the woman you see in the video.
She said that we were trespassing,
we were not welcome.
And then she turned back around and then, like --
She was like, "Y'all are going to jail."
Okay, that seems extreme.
But let's give her the benefit of the doubt
in a segment I call...
"Let's Give Her the Benefit of the Doubt."
♪♪
♪ Benefit of the doubt, gonna give it to her ♪
Now, officially, this woman called the police
because she reported charcoal grilling.
Now, it turns out
that this family was actually charcoal grilling
in a non-charcoal grill area, so...
obviously they are hardened criminals.
These two don't get along.
You see, he's an Oakland A's fan,
and she's a complete [bleep].
[ Laughter ]
A similar thing happened to a group of tourists
checking out of an Airbnb.
Reporter: Within minutes of leaving their Airbnb rental,
Donisha Prendergast and her three friends
were blocked in by police cars.
Woman: This white lady saw us in the neighborhood.
Too many black folk.
Reporter: Officers were responding to a 911 call
last Monday about a possible burglary.
Woman: No, we're taking our suitcases out of the house.
Reporter: Police let the group go after confirming their story
22 minutes later.
Now, let's give this neighbor the benefit of the doubt.
We don't know what she's been through.
Maybe her husband was killed in a war
by a group of three black women holding luggage,
and after they killed her husband,
they unzipped a suitcase and took a white-lady piñata.
They just start [bleep] wailing on the thing,
going, "We'll be back for you one day, white lady!
"We'll be back for ya!"
I mean, it's possible.
Whatever it was, I'm sure the neighbor
had a pretty good reason for calling the cops.
Reporter: Police say the neighbor called because
the guests didn't wave or smile at her as they were leaving.
Yeah. See? That one's on you, black people.
Why can't you always be happy and smiling and waving?
What do you have to be upset about?
Aside from all the other times
white people have called the cops on you recently?
Like when you were browsing at Nordstrom Rack
or moving into a new apartment
or playing golf too slowly
or going to the gym and working out at night.
Or let's not forget the black Yale student
who was reported for napping in her own dorm's common room.
In the common room. It's Yale.
If she was napping in the whites-only room,
the complaint would have had merit.
In none of these profiling incidents
were the white people even in the tiniest bit of danger.
But when you call the police on a black person,
you're putting them in danger.
Now, I'm not gonna be able
to solve racism in a six-minute segment.
If I had seven minutes, I could definitely do it.
But apparently racism is a problem
that Comedy Central doesn't care to fix.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Still...
Still, there has to be a way to stop white people
trying to get black people arrested for doing nothing.
Maybe we need, um, a rating system for 911 calls
like Uber.
Like, if you call 911 on the cops and the cops show up
and it's something stupid and pointless,
then you get a one-star rating.
But if the person you're reporting says,
"No, no, no, no, no.
I was actually here to steal a car..."
Good for you. Five stars. Good call. Well done.
Everyone's gonna want to keep their rating up.
And if your rating falls below four stars,
then there's penalties.
Maybe you can't enjoy any part of black culture,
so no Oprah for you.
Beyoncé, gone. Prince, gone.
Actually, come to think of it,
all popular music is pretty much out,
so you're basically stuck with
Mumford and Sons and the yodeling kid.
[ Laughter ]
So, to be honest,
my record collection will be just fine.
And if you somehow drop below three stars,
you have to go door to door like a sex offender
telling everyone in your neighborhood
that you're a registered racist.
But there must be people who are racist and sex offenders.
That must be awkward.
They're knocking on the door like,
"Excuse me. I, um, just moved next door.
I'm required by law to tell you that I'm a racist.
But, uhh, it gets worse.
Um, I'm, uh...
I'm also a pedophile.
But lucky for you, your kids are black, so...
I'll be on my way."
♪ Da-da, ba-deh-deh-deh ♪
♪ Deh-deh, buh-buh, buh, buh, buh, buh ♪