Hi I m Darren Magee and today s topic is the third part in a series looking at how and
why people end up in unhealthy relationships with toxic narcissistic people. Today I'm
going to be focusing on why some people stay in those unhealthy relationships. So if you
like this video, if you find it helpful, please consider subscribing to my channel. But just
as a reminder, this video is not a substitute for support from a mental health professional,
nor is a tool to be used to diagnose someone. Now to the uninformed, to the outsider who
has no idea what it's like to be abused in a relationship, they may be asking questions
like, Well, if it was that bad, why did you stay? Or, Why don't you just leave? But when
it comes to relationship abuse, just leaving isn't always easy. A lot of things could be
going on. It could be very difficult to leave and today I'm going to outline what I think
are eight reasons why people stay in those toxic relationships. And the first reason
is the victim is shamed into staying. The victim is shamed for being abused. Now men
in difficult relationships with someone may hear things like, A big lad like you being
treated like that? What are you man or a mouse? There's no way you d catch me letting her
treat me like that . Women may hear things like, You made your bed you have to lie in
it. Just stop annoying him. Look what you stand to lose if that relationship ends. It's
up to you to make it work . The victim is shamed for being abused. Secondly, the victim
feels as if they are responsible for either the partner or the partners behaviour. Now
through a series of gaslighting, shaming, blaming, intimidation a manipulative person
can turn pretty much any argument, any issue into the fault of the victim. The victim,
after a while, I'd say it's almost like they become brainwashed. They take ownership of
any of the bad behaviour on the part of the abuser. You have to remember that doesn't
happen overnight. That happens a little piece at a time. Most victims don't even see it
until it's too late. Thirdly, there's what s known as the cycle of abuse. Now the cycle
of abuse, that is a pattern of bad behaviour, usually followed by acts of kindness. Maybe
there's an apology, a bit of tenderness. There's a commitment not to do it again, it s sometimes
referred to as the honeymoon phase. The honeymoon phase I think is a way of minimising the abuse.
It s sometimes referred to as hoovering or love bombing. It's a way of reeling someone
back in in order for the abuse to continue. And yes, it certainly can be that, but I think
in some cases, and this is only speculation on my part, I think when the abusive person
is going through that love bombing, that honeymoon phase I think sometimes they might believe
what they're doing is they're undoing the bad behaviour and that's why the cycle continues.
And that's why when they are confronted by previous patterns of bad behaviour, they are
very resistant to accept it because they, they tend to think that the nice things, the
generous things, the kind things they have done, have cancelled out all the bad things,
when in reality they don't. Next the victim believes if they stick at it sooner or later
the partners going to change. Now maybe they stay out of love, they stay out of a sense
of duty. They may stay because that parent, that partner, that family member, that friend
whatever, they are aware of their difficult traumatic past, the difficulty they have with
their addiction, with their illness. So they stay thinking that they are helping them.
They may believe that they can bring out the best in that person. Now the thing is in some
relationships someone maybe can change with the right kind of help, the right kind of
support and the right kind of nurturing. Someone maybe can change for the better. I'm a believer
that yes there can be exceptions sometimes, but not always. Because some really manipulative
people, they will wear their issues, their traumas, their conditions. They wear them
like a badge of entitlement. They wear them like a permanent get out of jail free card.
Some are just oblivious or could care less about the pain and the carnage they leave
in their wake. It's everybody else's fault. Reason number five, the bad behaviour is normalised.
Now the abusive person may claim that they are very religious. They may hold a position
of authority or responsibility so they may claim they are not being controlling they
re not being manipulative they re just being stern. They re being assertive. The victim
is being difficult for not being okay with it. And what I would describe as I suppose
a righteous or religious narcissist, will usually claim they are closer to God. So the
victim s place in Heaven is dependent on them. Or maybe they hold some position in some sense,
a hierarchy and that entitles them to demand whatever they want, no matter how unreasonable.
And when someone has been brainwashed or conditioned to believe this kind of thing, it can be difficult
for them to recognise the abuse and therefore to seek help. They may believe they have to
stick at it because it's going to be in their best interest in the long run. There could
be an ongoing promise of eternal life and blessings. There could be an ongoing promise
of things are going to work out brilliantly at the end if you stick with me. But it rarely
is more often not, it just gets worse. And in relationships like that there can even
be external pressures. You know, What are other members of the church going to think?
What are your family members going to think? What are friends going to think? Now on social
media we have this image of this perfect life together . There is a fear over how other
people are going to react, so again they may be shamed into staying. Next up, long term
emotional abuse destroys self esteem and self confidence. When someone s sense of self worth
and autonomy has been systematically and relentlessly targeted and chipped away at they may feel
it s too overwhelming, too painful to try to leave to try to make a new start. And even
in the absence of physical abuse or the threat of physical abuse, many abusers will play
down the impact of what it is they're doing. The victim is just too sensitive, has no sense
of humour or the victim fears they're not going to be believed. In a lot of cases, the
victim isn't believed and they lose their sense of reality. That loss of that sense
of reality, that sense of self is usually due to the long term exposure to things like
neglect and abuse. The next reason, the victim can't leave because they have children together.
They have a mortgage together. They may share a business venture together. Their names are
on all of the debt that the partner has accumulated. They share the same social network so they
stay out of fear, they stay out of necessity. They stay to keep the children safe. They
try to manage the debt. There is the fear of losing friends, family members or source
of income and security. And some very highly skilled, manipulative people can contrive
situations to make their victims dependent on them making it very difficult for them
to leave. They may not have the resources or the support network that helps them or
allows them to just leave and some cases they may even be led to believe they have no choices.
They have no options. And lastly, for today and I would like to emphasise that this applies
to everyone. It applies to anyone okay? There are no exceptions this time. The victim could
be terrorised into staying. Leaving could be dangerous, not just emotionally painful,
but in some cases there could be physical assaults either on the person who is leaving
or even after they have left. There could be damage to their property, their personal
belongings, their character, their reputations could be torn apart and shredded. In extreme
cases, it could even be life threatening. The abuser could threaten to harm them, harm
someone close to them, threaten to harm anyone new they might meet, even anyone that they
were talking to. The abuser may even threaten to harm themselves. Many victims can find
themselves being stalked not just on social media, but at home, at their new place of
residence, at their work or any social events that they might attend. So if you're in, or
if you know someone who is in or has been in a very difficult relationship with a narcissistic,
abusive, controlling person, don't be so quick to judge because you have no idea why they
re there. Now if you do need help, reach out. There, there is help there. There s different
agencies, different organisations. I want to put the links to just a few of them in
the description to this video. So there are eight reasons why I think some people stay
in abusive relationships. As always, please feel free to use the comment box below. There
are some interesting conversations starting round these videos. If you liked this video
if you found it helpful please consider subscribing to my channel for future updates on mental
health related topics and until next time thanks for watching.