Got me out here in LA.
I'm disappointed in church out here in LA.
I'm from the South. In the South, we do church.
Y'all feel me? Church a little different out here.
Church out here a little Hollywood.
I went to this one church,
I seen a brother get baptized with a Bluetooth on his ear.
"Hold on, Bishop. Yeah, I'm back now.
We can hit the club a little later on if you want to.
Yeah. Okay. Bishop, you want to go, too?
Yeah, make that three on the guest list, if you don't mind."
You ever go to church and have a prayer request
and somebody wind up telling your business
in the prayer request?
"Uh, good morning, saints. If y'all don't mind,
please keep our sister Nadine lifted up in your prayers.
She don't know who the father of her baby is
and we ask that y'all keep her lifted up in your prayers.
If y'all don't mind, please reach out to her.
We going to pray for her right now.
Dear Lord, show her how to keep her legs closed.
Girl, keep your head up.
That's why you got pregnant the first time.
If you don't mind, keep her in your prayers."
You ever have somebody invite you to church
and they have a guest speaker
and the guest speaker be horrible?
And you know they horrible, too,
because the person that invite you try to explain like,
"Look, I don't even know who this is.
This Pastor's friend. I don't even know him like that."
Sound like he got Robitussin in his sermon.
He be like, "Eh, good morning ...Ah ... Amen.
We ... would like to thank all our ...
ah ... first time visitors, amen. We ..."
What's wrong with your connection?
You got dial-up? "Ah..."
Have you tried control-alt-delete?
A few people with an office job. Okay, cool.
What's happening? How you doing? How you living? How you feeling?
Good. Good.
I was just getting myself together.
I was trying to listen to some music, some gospel music.
Any gospel music fans? Any?
I like it. I do. I really do, I really do,
and the thing I love about it is that it's always evolving.
I never knew gospel music could evolve like that,
because I like the Kirk Franklins and all that.
I like the new age.
But now they try to really go above and beyond.
They try to have this heavy metal gospel.
Heavy metal gospel?
Come on, now, I'm trying to feel the Spirit, not fear it.
I don't want no dude,
I'm trying to get into the zone, he be like,
"Are you ready to pray!
I said, are you freaking ready to pray!
♪ Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus ♪
Let us pray!"
"I don't want to ... I don't want to ..."
Picture of Jesus on a stained glass window, "Yeah."
Uh-uh, cool that down, calm that down.
I like something cooler.
If you want to do a little crossover,
do like reggae gospel. That'd be cool.
A little Bob Marley kind of music,
dude's going to come out with a purple velvet robe
with a little dreads, just be chilling.
"How you doing? How you doing?
How you doing, how you doing, how you doing?
All praises to God. All praises to God. Kick it!
♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ Oh Lawd ♪
♪ Jesus, my sweet Jesus ♪
♪ Woah He died ♪
♪ Yes He died ♪
Come now!
♪ They nailed Him ♪
♪ Woah they nailed Him ♪
♪ Onto the cross ♪
♪ And this is what He said ♪
♪ You wanna know what He said ♪
♪ He said "ow, ow, ow" ♪
♪ These nails hurt ♪
Take it away apostles!
♪ ow, ow, ow ♪
♪ These nails hurt ♪
Oh, thank you,
Oh, oh, thank you.
Appreciate it.
Glad I ain't the only one going to Hell.
I appreciate that.
My mother don't like that joke, either.
My mother don't like that.
She goes, "Don't do that. Don't do that."
She's from Haiti. She's like, "Don't do that, don't do that.
No. If you want to go to Hell, go by yourself, but not me.
No. Mm-mm."
And she try to take me to her church.
She goes to ... I was raised Roman Catholic
and she knows I love gospel music,
so she tries to lie to me.
She's like, "Oh, they have gospel music at my church,
nowadays, they do. They do."
Ma, they don't have- in a Roman Catholic church?
You ever been to a Roman Catholic church?
This is their gospel music.
♪ Let us proclaim the mystery of our faith ♪
♪ Amen. amen...♪
♪ Amen ♪
Then she got the nerve to get mad at me when I'm sleeping.
"Hey, what are you doing? Wake up."
I'm like, "What?" "You sleeping."
I'm like, "Ma, even Jesus falling asleep."
That's what I saw. I was so tired,
I thought saw Jesus get up there, "You know what?
This is ridiculous. I'm getting up out of here.
Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Y'all better sing something happy in here.
This is ridiculous. Let me get on out of here.
Peter, turn yourself right side up,
let's get on out of here."
Everybody in here believe in God.
But there's different people who pray different ways.
It's all races, races beliefs.
If you Puerto Rican, you go to a Puerto Rican church.
You Mexican, Mexican church.
Just makes sense, but you still believe in God.
I'm going to show you. I swear to God it's different.
You go into a Spanish church,
he don't say nothing about the Bible.
He comes right over, "I love my Jesus, he is my Lord.
(singing)"
White people, same thing. Got churches, big churches,
but nobody be in the church and you always hear this sound.
(singing)
Black people, oh my Lord. Black people churches ...
Black people churches same thing,
but everybody just gets into the church too hard.
Black people, soon as you come into church, you hear,
"Hey! I want to say to the Lord. I say ..."
I was in Jamaica. I said, "Before I go on,
I'm going to go in the church and go talk."
It was a reverend with dreads.
Soon as I walked in, "You want Jesus?"
Soon as he started preaching,
"For we don't know when the Lord Him come,
but we know Him soon come.
Before we go, we want to sing this song to the Higher Power
come down.
(singing)
You got a negative friend?
"Hey, man, you put your money in church?"
"Yeah, I tithe in church."
"Well, I'm mad the preacher he spend that money on himself."
Well, I look at it like this.
If you can prepay for a cell phone,
you can prepay to go to Heaven.
That's right, or you'll be sitting in Hell
with unlimited nights and weekends.
You on fire, "Man, I'll have to call you back.
It's hot as Hell down here.
Let me get you back Friday, let me get you back Friday.
It's hot down here."
It's tough doing the right thing, man.
All these temptations in the world.
I said the first step of me trying to the right thing.
I say I'm going to get to know the Lord,
and what better way to get to know the Lord
than by going out, buying a Bible to read.
Well, he did when we was down here.
So, I went to the Christian bookstore,
I picked out me a nice Bible.
I got to the counter and she tell me $75.
Y'all just don't know what it took for me
not to curse up in there. I'm like, "For a Bible?"
I'm like, "For $75, this Bible must come with a miracle.
So, I need mine to help for it."
She said, "Well, I stole one from a hotel."
He like, "Man, that were wrong right there, bro."
Fellas, I'm going to tell you, man,
y'all be careful when you go to church,
because women going to church looking for men
that's going to take care of them financially.
Uh-huh, y'all go to church
to see what kind of shoes we wear,
how much money we putting in church,
what kind of car we pulling up in.
Ladies, that's not the key.
If you really want to know the key
to a financially stable man,
just look at his Bible. That's right.
Because if he come to church with a nice looking, nice sized
Bible, chances are he's financially stable.
But if he walk up the church and one of these chances are,
he not doing too good right now,
because he got this one from vacation Bible school.
Church. White folks go to church at 11:00,
11:30 they out of there.
They going to tell you about the Super Bowl and everything.
Not black folks. Not messing with black folks.
I damn near missed the Super Bowl.
See, I went to one of them churches
where they be running, jumping,
turning flips, throwing chicken, you know.
One of them churches where you go
Sunday morning, get out there Wednesday evening.
This is what I like about white folks' church.
They organized.
You know what I'm saying? A white quartet ...
I went out, I visited my boy Josh's church.
They got a nice quartet.
You done seen them white quartets,
"Church, get ready to sing. (singing)"
Not in black folk church. We totally different.
Our quartets be showing up late, because the van done broke down.
The lead singer can't really sing,
but the reason he the lead singer
because it's all his equipment.
This is the type of church you see at a black church.
Go ahead, band.
"Clap your hands
for Jesus.
(singing)"
What if they coming down the steps of the church
and they fall down the steps and start singing the damn song?
Go ahead. "How's everybody doing today?
I did what Jesus told me to do.
(singing)"