Alright, now, when I was growing up,
the internet was still very much in its infancy.
Being a kid at that time,
I had no idea what the internet even was.
"What, the internet? Who the hell is the internet?"
It wasn't until one day I was in school in the computer lab,
and I watched a kid bypass the firewall
and look up cheat codes for the Sony PlayStation.
Holy hell, after that I was hooked!
I mean sure, it was dial-up back then,
and it took 47 minutes to navigate three web pages.
But I'll be damned, that kid unlocked Sweet Tooth on Twisted Metal 2!
If that's what the internet had to offer, sign me up.
So I start hoarding all those AOL trial CDs,
that they'd send you in the mail, like some kind of maniac.
"I got 40,000 hours of free internet, nothing can stop me now!"
But that didn't make a difference,
because our computer at home was old as hell.
I mean, the thing was built
when the fucking A Flock Of Seagulls were popular.
It didn't have a web browser or Microsoft Paint,
or that sweet-ass Space Cadet pinball game that everybody blew ass at.
No.
It was just a fucking DOS prompt screen blinking you in the face.
Nobody in my whole household knows how to use the damn thing.
"Uh, how do I make the fun things pop up on the screen?"
"Oh, I don't know, what the fuck do I look like, a scientist?
I'm afraid of that goddamn thing, turn it off!"
So for the most part our computer was just stuck in the corner of our dining room,
basically a piece of furniture at this point.
Well, damn, looks like I don't get the internet after all.
But that's alright, because my friend David had a computer,
and unlike my Flock-of-Seagull piece of shit,
his was made much more recently, like...
like circa Lou Bega Mambo№5 time!
The trumpet!
And what was even better,
is his ass had RollerCoaster Tycoon!
And back then RollerCoaster Tycoon was bigger than Bill Clinton.
Everybody in the goddamn neighborhood would go over to David's house
to play RollerCoaster Tycoon.
Hell, David didn't even exist to us as a person back then!
We'd all be hanging out in the front yard, like,
"Hey, wanna go over the RollerCoaster Tycoon's house?"
"Oh, you bet your ass I do!"
"Uh, hey, do you guys want to go jump on the trampoline or something?"
"No, piss off, we're drowning people in the lake,
and shooting people off the shuttle loop!"
But as great as RollerCoaster Tycoon was,
it was a total gamechanger,
when David's mom got dial-up internet in his house.
And I remember that weekend very vividly.
Because that was the weekend
that me and Michael stayed the night at David's house,
and pirated a bunch of music off the internet!
As soon as David's mom went to bed,
David looked at us and was like,
"Have you guys ever heard of Napster.com?"
"Napster.com, what the hell is that?!"
"What if I told you, that we could have in our possession
every Limp Bizkit and "Weird Al" Yankovic song known to man?"
"Get the fuck outta here! Even then Nookie?!"
"Yes, even the Nookie."
"Oh my God, I can't fucking believe it!"
So our asses hop on David's blazing-fast 96k modem.
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"Holy hell, why does your computer sound like fucking...
R2D2 having a stroke?"
"Oh, that's just the sound the internet makes."
"What the hell is that, the Russians?
Are the Russians attacking?!"
Now, our little asses stole so much music that night,
Metallica to these days is probably still looking for a kid in a Scottie Pippen jersey
to serve a subpoena to.
And sure, it took 45 minutes for a single song to download,
but that didn't keep us from downloading
like every WWF entrance music known to man.
♪ The Rock says, the Rock says ♪
What a glorious time it was!
And I wish it would've stayed that way.
But things decided to get a little weird,
when Michael decides to log into an AOL chat room.
I know what you're thinking,
what's the worst that can happen
with a bunch of children talking to a bunch of random strangers
on the internet at 3 in the morning?
Well, let me tell you,
First off, Michael does what any 8-year-old would do on the internet,
he tells everybody that he's a 22-year-old woman.
Fuck it, why not let's go for it.
"I'm a 22-year-old big booty woman,
and I'm looking for big booty bitches to talk to!"
(Sent)
"Michael, what the fuck are you doing?"
"I'm trying to talk to big booty bitches, what does it look like?"
Now, I think it's safe to say that nobody was fooled in that chat room.
I mean, for one, you got Michael's broken-ass second grade spelling,
and for two, we're under David's mom's screen name.
And that math sure as hell doesn't add up.
"Boy, this ButterFly_Kisses1964 either
sucks at math or is a fucking second grader.
Eh, I guess I'll take my chances."
(Sending sound)
So all of a sudden we start getting instant messages left and right,
David starts freaking out at this point.
"Dude, just turn it off, my mom is gonna kill us!"
"No, wait dude, I'm talking to big booty bitches!"
"Look at this, the chick's trying to send me a picture right now."
We look over, and sure as hell, there's a picture slowly loading.
"Y'all ready to see some big booty bitches or what?"
Well, finally this picture loads,
and it's safe to say, it's not a big booty bitch,
instead it's a grown-ass man,
licking a fucking egg beater.
"Oh, sick! What the hell is that?!
Turn it off, turn it off!"
Now, to this day I have no idea, who that guy was,
or what kind of fucking weird fetish he had with this kitchen.
All I knew is that I was done with the internet for the night.
"Okay, that's enough of that shit.
You want to go play Sony PlayStation?"
"Yeah, let's go play Sony PlayStation!"
And that was the end of it.
Or at least that was the end of it for me and David,
Michael, on the other hand, decided to keep on exploring
the wondrous wonders of the World Wide Web.
Who knows, what the hell that 8-year-old was exposed to that night.
All I know is the next morning we're sitting there, eating toaster strudels,
Michael's over there looking like he just fucking stormed the beaches of Normandy.
"Do you guys know if it's possible
to unsee things that you've already seen?
I have so many questions and so few answers!"
Well, imagine our surprise, when David's mom gets up,
and she sees a bunch of pop-ups litter all over the computer screen.
"Boys, get your asses in here right now!
Why does my computer have AIDS all of a sudden,
and who googled 'big booty bitches' 47 times?!"
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