I was just in Austin, Texas.
Anybody ever been to Austin, Texas, before?
All right.
Good. Nobody.
I was there for, uh, three days.
I was in Austin for three days.
Uh, I ate nothing but amazing barbeque, tacos off taco trucks.
I don't think I had a vegetable in three days in Austin, Texas.
I got back to my apartment in New York,
and I
(crowd laughing)
Sure, it's funny already.
That was pretty good already.
What if the joke ended right there?
Would that be pretty good for everybody?
You like that? Good.
I wish. I wish...
(chuckles) These next few jokes
are just gonna be a bunch of places I've been to,
and whether or not I pooped when I got back, okay?
Welcome to my 30-minute special.
I could do that, I could definitely do that.
After three days in Austin, I got back to my apartment
in New York and I pooped foam.
Okay? Foam came out of me.
It happened one time,
and I was back to normal.
But it scared me so much
that I went on WebMD and Google
to see if it ever happened to anybody else, right?
So I'm Googling "foam poop," all right?
We've all done that, nothing comes up.
Stuff comes up, but not what you're looking for, right?
Like, weird stuff comes up.
I Googled "foam butt."
Um, I'm not proud of this.
While I was on Google, I Googled "butt poop."
And... I did, and if you Google "butt poop,"
you'll also learn that "butt poop" is the most common kind...
...of poop.
But I couldn't find one instance of anybody saying,
foam came out of them. The Internet is huge!
You can find literally everything on the Internet.
You can go to Yahoo! Answers and type in
"Why can't I get my balls pierced at Claire's?"
And somebody has answered that question.
They really have.
There's four paragraphs on Yahoo! Answers
on why you can't get your balls pierced at Claire's at the mall.
I didn't even, I didn't even
read the whole thing 'cause it's so long.
It's got something to do with sterilization and the gun.
I guess. It's not important.
What's weird to me is somebody took the time
to write that respon...
It's weird that somebody asked that question, too.
And it was me. But somebody took the time
to, like, really write out a well-thought-out response.
You can find that,
but you can't find one report of somebody saying
"Foam came out of my body and this is what I did about it."
And I realized
the only place that ever heard of foam coming out
of anybody is do you guys remember
"The Diarrhea Song"?
From when we were kids or maybe you have kids.
You remember "The Diarrhea Song"? "When you're running
"to first and your pants are gonna burst--
Diarrhea." We know this song?
I know you know it
'cause my mom knows it. (laughs)
She doesn't know any songs.
It was parents' wedding song actually.
Okay?
"When you're running to first, your pants are gonna burst,
When you're running home...?"
MAN: Your pants start...
That's right-- "Your pants are full of foam."
You're gonna be on TV saying that.
How do you feel about that?
(laughter)
"Your pants are full of foam,
diarrhea." When I was a kid,
that was a silly verse to a silly song.
Now that it had happened to me,
I realized the guy who wrote that song...
that came from a real place.
Austin, Texas.
I got some serious issues with "The Diarrhea Song" by the way.
"Running to first, pants are gonna burst,
running home, pants are full of foam."
I'm on board. Those things have happened to me.
Do you know what happens when he's running to third?
MAN: Juicy turd.
Ah, "juicy turd." I grew up with "big turd,"
but there are regional variations to the song.
But that's pretty good.
"You feel a juicy turd, you feel a big turd."
Either way, guess what?
That's not diarrhea, is it?
That is a turd.
That is the opposite of diarrhea.
I also want to know why the guy in the song
is always playing baseball. I always wanted to know that.
And I know there's other verses to the song.
I know there's "When you're driving in your Chevy,
and you feel something heavy."
I know that verse.
But even as a kid,
I knew that guy was driving to the baseball game.
Okay? It's always baseball.
Finally, I want to know why he rounds all the bases.
I always wanted to know that.
There's no verse that says he hits a home run.
It's a series of hits, and then you go to the next base.
Even if you get a double,
even if you hit a double, and you're running to first
and your pants are gonna burst?
Guess what?
You stop at first!
And you get a pinch runner. (laughs)
It's got a whole other poop connotation by itself.
And you go home and you push fluids
until your healthy enough to play a whole baseball game
without shitting your pants.
I like to throw a five-minute diarrhea joke
early in the set and just kind of see
where we're at as an audience.
Don't give me that sign.
That means asshole and that, like, that's what that means.
It's like a, like a little clenched butt hole
is what you're doing right now.
Yeah.