We saw them coming that there's actually
seven of them two of them downstairs a
couple of surround the house that and a
lawyer told us that if immigration ever
comes to grab you
you know don't run you know don't be
rude to them be nice you can offer them
some tea right so this weird because
it's like your kidnappers and you're going 'oh, DIlmah?'
So my nane is Umit, it's Turkish - I'm Indian
My mother has a sense of humor
I came to Australia when I was 13 but I'm originally from Fiji
You know, I don't know if you know this but there's a lot of civil unrest that happens there
there's a lot of coups, so many coups
All our relatives were already here, so they came here like the proper way
right
they had money so they're able to bribe someone, you know
A lot of my relatives had marriages of convenience
Where you know, you marry and Aussie for a certain amount of money
Then you get your visa and you marry your spouse again and bring them over
You can get like a tourist visa in Fiji but only for like half the family cos they know you ain't coming back
you only have to leave like one kid behind
There's a competition right there
Yes but I was an only child so it worked out okay
You were lucky because if there was another one...
No I wouldn't I wouldn't be here, I would definitely be left behind - I wasn't the smart one, I like shiny things
We came the country legally
on a tourist visa
My dad was a cab driver he picked up this guy who had been bashed and he was taking him to hospital
but he was working in immigration
He could get my dad a visa for the whole family, like there wasn't even a bride involved
Well, that's a lie - my dad had to make him duck curry
Should you be admitting this on national TV? I don't know
Ah well, I've got my citizenship now so...
It's fine, it's fine
So we came here on a tourist visa, all our family and relatives were already here
They were like come on over and we'll sponsor you
As soon as we came here all the relatives like 'ah we don't know if we can sponsor you anymore'
Cos they never expected us to make it, you know
We get to Sydney Airport and my dad, he's unloading all the bags and he picks up one of these bags
And it kinda has a clang clang noise to it right?
And my dad's like CLANG CLANG CLANG
And he looks up at my mum and my mum's like -
Your mum nearly kinda sabotaged it, is that a reasonable assessment? What happened?
Oh 100 per cent my mum she uh -
My mum she has packed for iron, her blender, her rice cooker
It's f--king Harvey Norman in there right?
And my dad's like 'oh my God woman why did you bring this?'
And my mum's like 'it's okay, it's still under warranty'
'Nooooo! We're here on a tourist visa. If they catch us with this they'll send us back'
'Well, maybe they won't pull us over.' We're Indian, when has that never happened
Customs start checking all the bags right, doesn't look inside - just sticks his hand right in
Then his face just turns really white, which was cool because it was already white
Then the custom's guy pulls his hand out and his hand is covered in chutney
One of the chutney bottles we had brought over had broken and spilled everywhere
And the customs guy was like 'uh uh, you Indians - just go, just go'
And he let us into Australia
And that's how we came to this country and you guys are not racist at all and I'm so happy to be here
So there was a period of about 15 years between when you got here and when you become an Australian citizen
There must have been some anxiety about being kicked out in that period
All the time man, when the moment comes with like the letter comes and it's another rejection letter and you get another appeal
Or you're wondering what's gonna happen when you're at home and it's quiet when it's nighttime
Then yeah, it's a very anxious moment when you're wondering what that van is doing there four days across the street, are they watching you?
Do they know that you're illegal and stuff?
How many times did you move house?
9 times in 10 years
Wow
Every time someone would come over I'd be like 'we might have to move now' so I didn't have a lot of friends
If you dobbed someone in you get like a $2000 reward back then
That's a lot
It is but you like get really good at understanding how things move through a door, like 3D Tetris
Australia Day is the day all immigrants get together and celebrate double time at work
When you started comedy - correct me if I'm wrong here - but did you get offered to do a spot on a Channel 7 kids show?
Yeah I did, I did Big Arvo on Channel 7
They were looking for young comedians but at that time I didn't have my visa
I remember telling my mum about it and her being like 'nooo, you'll have the government looking for us'
'It's a bad idea' and I was like 'it's alright, it will be okay'
The scariest part about the whole thing was when I was there the host would keep saying stuff to me like I bet you're an illegal immigrant
I bet they're gonna come and get you know you're an illegal immigrant the whole time I was like
He wasn't clairvoyant, he was just a little bit racist
What do you reckon was the closest call with immigration?
The closest call with immigration was when they came to our house to detain my mum, my dad and my sister
My parents were hiding with me, I had my citizenship, I had my permanent residency, I was hiding my parents
My dad kept stressing like 'oh you know if you detain us, we need to get a passport for my sister'
Cos my sister she was born here, she didn't have a passport for Fiji
My dad was like 'that's fine, we'll leave, we'll go, but you need to give us some time so we can get a passport for my sister'
They gave us a visa till the 3rd of March and on the 1st of March my sister turned 10
As soon as she became 10 she automatically became an Australian citizen
And we lodged an application for my parents to stay in Australian so yeah
And that's the happy ending
That's the happy ending, yeah
You know, I feel like it's my job you know to help us not fall apart
That's a lot of responsibility to feel like you have to keep the whole family together
Yeah, you know but my parents they had an arranged marriage and they didn't really get along when they first got married
When I was a kid they used to start fighting and I used to runaway so they'd stop fighting and worry about me
I can't really help it though, I feel like this need to look after them
Cos they can't look after themselves
10 seconds before I go on stage all the horrible things come clouding in and I have to erase them by thinking
This is where I am and this is where I wanna be, someplace where I'm providing for my family
it doesn't matter if the audience
doesn't like me it doesn't matter if you
guys don't like it doesn't matter the
comedian's don't think highly of me this
is it, this is just it
So if this doesn't work I dunno, Centrelink?
Umit Bali, thanks so much for talking to us