I could be a youth pastor.
[scattered laughs]
I could. I could walk into any church
in this country--Christian, non-denominational,
Methodist, doesn't matter--and just based on how cool I look...
hired.
Oh, cool beard. You're in, buddy.
We gotta fire two guys, but you're in.
And here's why I think I could do it.
Because there's this pastor right now
that's like the most popular pastor
for a lot of celebrities-- young, hip-looking dude.
Like you see him onstage wearing ripped-up jeans
and leather jackets and fake glasses.
It's like...I could do that. Just put contacts on
and buy a pair of fakies? No problem.
Gotta buy a leather jacket. Never really jumped into that.
But I could do it, you know?
I just never found the right jacket.
Thirty-six. There's a lotta time, but...
I think I could do that. Because I watched his sermon.
Just one quick sermon.
Just watched about 30 seconds of it.
He's performing in front of 20,000 people.
The video's been viewed millions of times.
And here's how he opens his sermon.
He says,
"I'll never forget when I was five years old
"and I got lost at a grocery store.
Have you ever felt lost?"
Pause. I can do that.
[laughter]
He just took a fake memory--
There's no way he has that memory.
And even if he did get lost in a grocery store when he was five,
it was probably in a nice suburban town,
and a better family might have found him.
But he took that memory and tried to compare it
to somebody who feels disconnected to society.
Feels lost... lost from God or from family.
People that are struggling,
and he just tried to compare that.
And I thought, well, there's no way that's gonna work.
If it does, I'm in, but... we'll see.
Un-pause. Cut to the audience.
They're not walking out.
They're actually applauding, saying,
"I felt lost too."
Ho ho...
So there I am.
I got hired at a church based on how cool I look.
And I got about five days to get my first sermon together.
And your first sermon, you wanna make it good.
They were gonna start me out in the youth group
with the kids. That's fine, you know.
So you put the sermon together, and they start the service.
There's probably some band onstage
playing some worship song
"Nothing But The Blood of Jesus" or something creepy.
As as they're playing that song,
I finish up a quick cigarette outside.
And I just kind of stand in the corner
as they finish the song up and...lean against the wall.
And the kids are all just like, "Who...
Who the fuck is that guy?"
Some kid's like, "What do you mean, who?"
And he goes, "The fucking dude in the sunglasses."
And I'm like, "Actually, they're, uh...Transitions.
Give 'em about ten minutes."
And then the band finishes and I come up on stage
and, you know, there's the guy with the acoustic guitar.
They're all mediocre musicians.
I'm just like, "You know, let me borrow that guitar."
Why not?
[cheers and applause]
That's what happens when...
when you have a really famous guitar tech.
[strumming mellow chords]
♪ ♪
Hey, guys, I'm Pastor Nick.
I know you're wondering, "What happened to Pastor Jeff?
Where's Pastor Brian?"
Which, statistically, are their names.
[laughter]
Don't worry about them.
They're gonna be all right.
♪ ♪
Before we get into it, let's bow our heads.
Let's pray.
[mellow chords continue]
Dear Jesus...
oh-ho, you...
you son of a God.
♪ ♪
Dear Jesus, I wanna thank you for these noodles.
Ramen.
[cheers and applause]
You guys, I love Ramen!
I'm a cool dude!
I make a pour over every morning.
Let's hang out, you know?
Yeah, I like cold brews.
I'm Pastor Nick.
[laughter]
Open up your bibles.
And then close 'em.
♪ ♪
We've all read it.
Let's think about it in a different way.
How 'bout... open up your iPhones.
[musical flourish] What?
Oh, cool pastor alert!
Yeah!
I love smart phones.
Open 'em up. Open up Google Maps.
Because in the beginning, Google created Earth.
[laughter]
Just kidding. It's a Pastor Nick joke.
They did Maps and then Earth.
Seriously, open up Google Maps,
and what I want you to do is I want you to
hit that little translucent compass
in the bottom right-hand corner.
And when you hit that little translucent compass,
what's it gonna give you?
It's gonna give you... your current location.
And what I want you to know
is that Jesus...
Christ...
is in all of our current locations.
♪ ♪
[laughs] What?!
What? I don't know.
Almost makes too much sense.
I know Trent's in the back. He's got T-Mobile.
He's got no service. You're goin' to hell, Trent!
[laughter]
But seriously...
seriously.
I'll never forget...
when I was two years old.
♪ ♪
Never forget it. [laughter]
I was two years old, and I was playing with my biggest toy...
and it slipped out of my little baby hands.
♪ ♪
And it landed on my big toe.
♪ ♪
Later that day...
that toenail fell off.
Have you ever lost a loved one?
[laughter]
Like a mom or a dad?
Because I love that toe.
Thank you, guys. I'm Pastor Nick.
[cheers and applause]
[end chords]