PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT!
OH, WHAT A NIGHT!
WHAT A NIGHT!
YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR IT'S ABSOLUTELY ELECTRIC OUT HERE.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW" LIVE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER
RIGHT HERE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE'RE LIVE ALL WEEK DURING TRUMP'S CONVENTION BECAUSE I
WANT TO BE THE VERY FIRST ONE TO ANNOUNCE THE MOMENT AMERICA
BECOMES GREAT AGAIN.
YOU WILL FEEL IT IN THE AIR WHEN IT HAPPENS.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT MIGHT HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED, FOLKS,
BECAUSE ON NIGHT ONE, TONIGHT, DONALD TRUMP ENTERED LIKE
THIS -- ♪
♪ WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS MY FRIEND ♪
♪ WE'LL KEEP ON FIGHTING TILL THE END ♪
♪ WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS ♪ ♪ WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS ♪
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ♪
♪ ♪
♪ (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: YES, WE ARE THE
CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD, AND WE ARE GOING TO RESTORE
CONSERVATIVE AMERICAN VALUES BY ENTERING TO THE MUSIC OF A
BISEXUAL ENGLISHMAN!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THIS IS CRAZY.
NEWS CRAZY.
YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS BUT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE THE
CANDIDATE BEFORE THE NOMINATION, LET ALONE ON THE FIRST NIGHT.
THAT'S LIKE THE BRIDE NOT ONLY BEING SEEN ON HER WEDDING DAY
BUT JUMPING OUT OF THE CAKE AT THE BACHELOR PARTY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND THAT WASN'T THE ONLY DRAMA
TODAY.
THERE WAS DRAMA THIS AFTERNOON AS THE STOP TRUMP MOVEMENT TRIED
TO CHANGE THE RULES SO THEY WOULDN'T BE FORCED TO VOTE FOR
TRUMP ON THE FIRST BALLOT AND WHEN THAT WAS UNSUCCESSFUL, THE
DELEGATES FROM COLORADO JUST WALKED OUT, AND LOOK AT WHAT
TIME THE COLORADO DELEGATES WALKED OUT -- 4:20, MY FRIENDS!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH, OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
4:20.
YEAH.
OH, THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME TO WALK OUT.
THEY MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN MAD.
THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN A LITTLE, SAY, SNACKY.
(LAUGHTER) AND THERE WAS ALSO ANOTHER
DISTURBANCE ABOUT AN HOUR AND 45 MINUTES AGO WHEN A PROTESTER
FROM CODE PINK WAS ESCORTED FROM THE ROOM BY TRUMP SUPPORTERS
SOUTHEAST THAT GUY?
I DON'T KNOW WHO THE GUY IS COVERING HER FACE BUT NOT
TOUCHING HER FACE, HE'S A BIKER FOR TRUMP AND I THINK HE'S ALSO
CLEARLY SOMEONE'S LITTLE BROTHER.
(LAUGHTER) I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU!
I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU!
YOU CAN'T TELL MOM!
I'M NOT ACTUALLY TOUCHING YOU!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THIS IS MY SIDE!
THIS IS MY SIDE OF THE CONVENTION!
DON'T GET ON MY SIDE.
THIS IS MY SIDE.
I'M NOT SUCHIN TOUCHING YOU.
(LAUGHTER) FOR THE RECORD, I WAS SOMEONE'S
LITTLE BROTHER.
TONIGHT THE OFFICIAL THEME OF THE CONVENTION WAS "MAKE AMERICA
SAFE AGAIN."
IT'S A MAJOR CONCERN.
SAFETY, A MAJOR CONCERN FOR THE G.O.P. RIGHT NOW BECAUSE JUST A
FEW MONTHS BACK, SOME GUY BROKE IN AND STOLE THEIR ENTIRE PARTY.
THEY'RE FEELING A LITTLE SHAKY RIGHT NOW.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LIKE THIS, LIKE THAT.
SMOOTH, SMOOTH.
ALL RIGHT.
AND KEEPING WITH THE THEME OF KEEPING AMERICA SAFE, I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
I HOPE CHACHY FROM HAPPY DAYS WEIGHED IN.
WELL, FEAR NOT.
>> HILLARY CLINTON WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT FOR HILLARY CLINTON.
DONALD TRUMP WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT FOR ALL OF US.
>> Stephen: AND SCOTT BALE WANTS SOMEONE FROM TV LAND TO
PUT HAPPY DAYS BACK ON!
(APPLAUSE) NOW, FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR AND
SCHOOL BULLY SIDEKICK RUDY GIULIANI TONIGHT ABOUT AN HOUR
AGO GAVE A SPIRITED SPEECH WITH A DRONING ENDORSEMENT -- WITH A
STRONG ENDORSEMENT OF DONALD TRUMP.
>> WHAT I DID FOR NEW YORK, DONALD TRUMP WILL DO FOR
AMERICA!
>> Stephen: YES, DONALD TRUMP WILL SEND ALL OF AMERICA'S
HOMELESS TO NEW JERSEY TO MAKE ROOM FOR EXPENSIVE CANDY STORES!
YES!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) OH!
DONALD TRUMP WILL GET RID OF ALL THE PORN AND REPLACE IT WITH
BUBBA GUMP SHRIMP!
(LAUGHTER) AND HEADLINING, MAKE AMERICA
SAFE AGAIN, TONIGHT, WAS NOTED SECURITY EXPERT MELANIA TRUMP
WHO, I JUST WATCHED IT, GAVE A VERY IMPRESSIVE SPEECH.
JUST GOES TO SHOW, BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN IS -- WELL, IN THIS
CASE, ACTUALLY, CHRIS CHRISTIE IS THAT ONE.
(APPLAUSE) IF I STAND HERE LONG ENOUGH, HE
WILL DEFINITELY MAKE ME VICE PRESIDENT.
I GOTTA GET SOMETHING FOR.
THIS I GOTTA GET -- WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?
(LAUGHTER) BUT, OF COURSE, INSTEAD OF CHRIS
CHRISTIE, TRUMP ENDED UP PICKING INDIANA GOVERNOR MIKE PENCE AS
HIS VICE TRUMP -- (AUDIENCE BOOING)
-- LET'S ALL BE FRIENDS.
AND TOGETHER THEY RELEASED THE TRUMP-PENCE LOGO, WHICH I DON'T
KNOW IF YOU GUYS HAVE ALREADY SEEN THIS, IT LOOKS LIKE THIS
RIGHT THERE.
(APPLAUSE) NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE MADE
FUN OF IT.
THEY THOUGHT THAT THIS "T" HERE WAS DOING SOMETHING TO THE "P"
OR PERHAPS THE "P" WAS DOING SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR THE "T"
BECAUSE IT WAS THE "T'S" BIRTHDAY, LET'S SAY.
I DON'T KNOW REALLY KNOW.
(APPLAUSE) VERY NICE.
BUT WHO AM I TO JUDGE WHAT'S GOING ON BETWEEN TWO CONSENTING
CONSONANTS?
(LAUGHTER) THE LOGO WAS IMMEDIATELY TAKEN
DOWN AND REPLACED WITH THIS ONE.
NO HARD CORE LETTER ON LETTER ACTION RIGHT THERE.
(LAUGHTER) BUT THERE WAS ONE OTHER LOGO
THEY CONSIDERED, TOUTED THEIR STRONG BUSINESS EXPERIENCE, AND
IT'S THE TWO OF THEM IN FRONT OF A DESK AND IT'S VERY
PROFESSIONAL, I THINK.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) RIGHT NOW, CBS IS TRYING TO
FIGURE OUT WHAT PART OF THIS THEY LEGALLY HAVE TO BLUR.
(LAUGHTER) SAY HI TO OUR JAZZ DELEGATION,
EVERYBODY!
JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"!