( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> THANK YOU, GUYS!
THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
I'LL TELL YOU THIS -- TWO WEEKS AGO, I WAS IN DISNEYLAND WITH MY
GIRLFRIEND AND HER WHOLE ENTIRE FAMILY AND IN FRONT OF EVERYONE
HER LITTLE FOUR-YEAR-OLD NIECE WALKED UP TO ME AND WENT, WHY
WON'T YOU MARRY MY AUNT?
I SAID, WHOA, WHOA, IT'S NOT THAT I WON'T, IT'S THAT I DON'T
WANT TO.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M KIDDING.
I'M KIDDING.
I CAN'T EXPLAIN TO THIS FOUR-YEAR-OLD WHY I WON'T MARRY
HER AUNT.
SHE CAN'T COMPREHEND THAT.
I CAN'T SAY, WELL, SHE'S BEEN MARRIED FOR AND STILL WORKING
OUT SOMETHING SPIRITUALLY.
THE TRUTH IS, IT'S ON HER AT THIS POINT.
IT'S SCARY, THE TRUTH IS.
WE'VE BOTH BEEN MARRIED AND KNOW HOW MUCH A WEDDING COSTS.
THE AVERAGE COST OF A WEDDING IN NEW YORK CITY WHERE I'M
ORIGINALLY FROM IS $60,000.
YOU KNOW $60,000, LIKE THE AMOUNT OF MONEY IF I MADE IN MY
20s IF WE WERE UP BY $37,000.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS WHY I FEEL LIKE YOUNG
PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO GET MARRIED, OR YOU SHOULD HAVE
TO BE MARRIED FIVE YEARS BEFORE YOU THROW YOURSELF A WEDDING.
YOUNG PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MONEY, THEY'RE LIKE,
WE'LL BE FINE.
OLDER PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, NO, YOU WON'T.
IF YOU ASK ANY OLDER COUPLE MARRIED MORE FIVE YEARS IF THEY
WANT TO SPEND $10,000 ON APPETIZERS, THEY WILL BE, LIKE,
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE
APPETIZERS AT YOUR WEDDING.
PEOPLE ONLY CARE ABOUT ONE THING AT A WEDDING, AND THAT'S NOT
YOUR LOVE, IT'S THE OPEN BAR.
YEAH, YEAH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU CAN HAVE SIX KEGS OF BEER
AND TOTINO'S PIZZA ROLES AND PEOPLE WOULD BE, LIKE, THIS IS A
PRETTY GOOD WEDDING.
( LAUGHTER ) I ALSO FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD HAVE
TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED.
SOME PEOPLE SAY LIVE TOGETHER BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED.
I THINK HONEYMOON.
BECAUSE IF YOU CAN'T GET ALONG IN HAWAII YOU'RE SURE THE
( BLEEP ) NOT GOING TO MAKE IT IN CLEVELAND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND, ALSO, BY THE WAY, NO MORE
DESTINATION WEDDINGS.
I'M OUT, I'M DONE, I'M NOT RENEWING MY PASSPORT TO WATCH
YOU MAKE A MISTAKE.
IF YOU DO HAVE A DESTINATION WEDDING AND GET DIVORCED IN THE
FIRST FIVE YEARS, WE ALL GET REFUNDS NOW.
AND YOU'RE FLYING US TO YOUR DIVORCE AND HAVING IT?
WHERE FUN LIKE ACAPULCO.
MY NEPHEW SPENT $180,000 ON HIS "STAR WARS" WEDDING SO SHE COULD
FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS FOR THE DAY.
SHE COULD HAVE BECOME THE ACTUAL QUEEN OF HOBO FOR THAT MUCH.
I DON'T REMEMBER MUCH ABOUT THE WEDDING.
I REMEMBER THERE WERE GIANT MARBLE STAIRCASES SHE HAD TO
WALK DOWN BEFORE WE COULD EAT AND PILES OF CHEESE STACKED UP
LIKE BLOW.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE SO MUCH CHEESE IF ANYONE
ATE THIS CHEESE, THEY WOULDN'T CRAP FOR THREE YEARS.
ISN'T THAT CRAZY?
I WENT TO A WEDDING THAT COST AS MUCH AS SEVEN KIA SOULS, AND THE
ONLY THING I REMEMBER IS STEPS AND BRIE.
ISN'T THAT NUTS?
IF I SPENT $187,000 ON THE WEDDING, YOU WILL REMEMBER IT
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU WILL BE ON YOUR DEATH BED AND I WILL BE LIKE, DO YOU
REMEMBER THE BRIDE COMING DOWN LIKE IT WAS WWE, AND SHE
LAUNCHED HER BOUQUET LIKE A T-SHIRT CANON.
HIT BECKY IN THE FACE.
SHE'S NOT GETTING MARRIED NOW.
$187,000 AND ALL THEY HAD TO SHOW FOR IT WAS A PHOTO ALBUM OF
THEM SPENDING $187,000.
THAT'S WHY I FEEL LIKE YOUNG PEOPLE SHOULDN'T GET MARRIED.
IF YOU GAVE AN OLDER COUPLE THE OPTION OF YOU CAN HAVE A PHOTO
ALBUM TO REMEMBER THIS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, OR YOU COULD
AFFORD A STACKABLE WASHER/DRYER, IT WOULD BE, LIKE, GIVE ME THE
WHIRLPOOL, BABY!
THE YOUNG PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, NO, WE NEED THE PHOTO ALBUM.
WE NEED TO REMEMBER THIS THE REST OF OUR DAYS.
I'M DIVORCED.
I DON'T DO ANYTHING WIT.
I'M GOING TO PHOTOSHOP MY NEW GIRLFRIEND'S FACE ON TOP OF MY
EXWIFE'S FACE.
( APPLAUSE ) WHEN I PROPOSE TO HER, I WILL
GIVE HER THE PHOTO ALBUM AND BE, LIKE, I JUST SAVED US $10,000.
THAT'S IT FOR ME.
THANKS A LOT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> JAMES: J.F. HARRIS EVERYONE!
SEE HIM AT THE COMEDY & MAGIC CLUB DECEMBER 6 AND 7!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.