- I possess many important qualities,
such as the ability to complete this application
three hours before the deadline. (laughs)
(light music)
- It is completely obvious that I am totally burnt out.
- My mom is standing over my shoulder right now,
so this has no trace of my real personality.
- I'm using words I literally learned
a minute ago on Thesaurus.com.
- I got this opinion off CNN.com.
- I'm trying to hide the fact
that I'm a privileged white person.
- I consider Abraham Lincoln to be my hero
because you've heard of him,
and this is not a controversial opinion.
- I will write anything you want to hear,
just so I can get out of this terrible town.
- Here's where I pretend like your school
is my first and only choice.
- You're my safety school, but I'm not
going to say that.
- I'm only applying to college because my parents
will kill me if I don't.
- I'm making myself sound like a serious student,
but I'm probably just going to drink
malt liquor for four years.
- I'm mentioning how excited I am
about your small class size and personalized
attention because you mentioned it
five times on your website.
- Now I will tell you about the one time
I visited another country to put
a cultured spin on myself.
- I did a lot of community service,
and by community service, I mean
I donated blood once.
For cookies!
- I live in a rich Jewish neighborhood.
Does that count as diversity?
- I'm only name-dropping my grandfather
because he's an alumni.
- If this wasn't a college essay,
this would be considered way oversharing.
- [Voiceover] I know what it means to suffer.
I went through a horrible breakup sophomore year.
He's now dating my best friend,
so I understand the world.