*Nazi Vampire chewing on a corpse*
Nazi Grunt: Greubar?
Greubar: Hmm?
Nazi Grunt: Are ve bad people?
*Swallows*
It's a matter of perspective, really...
Nazi Grunt: From zis man's perspective?
*Laughs* Absolutely.
But to be fair, I zink ve kinda tipped that Jenga tower by being Nazis in the first place.
Nazi Grunt: Ja, ja.
I guess the whole 'eating zem' is just salt on ze wound.
Greubar: Ach!
Don't say salt to me.
Greubar: Zese mercs are so bland!
Zey could use a-
*Gunshot*
*Seras screaming*
*Nazis screaming*
*Shells clinking on the ground*
Seras: 'Ow's that for some salt!
UGH! God DAMMIT!
What's the point of coming up with all these one liners iff'n they're all dead when I see 'em?!
Nazi Grunt: *Under the floor* To be fair, it vasn't really zat funny to begin with!
*BOOM*
*Blood spattering*
It's a matter o' perspective, really...
*Blood dripping*
Bernadotte: B Wing, what's your location?
Miller: HR department.
And your status?
You ever been fisted up to the elbow before?
Jaffe, I could use your expertise.
Jaffe: Hey, fuck you man!
Read ze room!
Bernadotte: So, I'm guessing you're in some shit.
I just saw a man's face get eaten!
One bite, like that asshole owl with the fuckin' Tootsie Pop, man!
Dying Grunt: How many licks did it take?
*choking laughter*
Just hold out.
Bernadotte: Ze police girl is on her way.
Miller: Sir...I'm not gonna lie to you.
*Sombre music* Miller: Sir...I'm not gonna lie to you.
We're pinned here,
all my men are dead or dying,
and I'm running out of bullets.
Miller...
It was an honor serving with you.
Miller: What the fuck?!
*Music stops* Bernadotte: What?
Miller: What's that cheap shit?
You're not going to tell me to fall back or fight through?
Bernadotte: Well, I-I mean, can you?
Of fucking COURSE not!
Well zen why zee fuck would I say it!?
It's a cliché, dammit!
And a good goddamn one at that!
Fine, fine, whatever, ok, sure.
*Clears throat*
Don't you fucking give me that, Miller!
Fall back and make it-
Miller: No, no, It's-it's ruined, it's disingenuous.
Bernadotte: It was always going to be disingenuous!
Well, so is what's coming next!!!
*Sarcastic transition of tone* Bernadotte: Wait, no, Miller, choose life...
Miller: COME AND GET ME, you blood-chuggin' cockholes!
Miller: *Thinking* What the fuck?
Little Girl: Daddy!
It's me, daddy! Welcome home!
Miller: You're not my daughter...
Of course I am, daddy! I-
No, seriously.
I got a vasectomy right out of high school.
I meant...I'm your niece!
Nope.
I'm an only child.
*Miller Gasps*
*Shudders*
I've been waiting for you, Miller.
*Bloody splatters*
Real quick...
Does anyone vant to explain vat we just vitnessed...?
Nazi Grunt: Uh, I think that was Sonic the Hedgehog from the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise by Sega.
Zorin: Ok, but, vy did it have a foot long erection?
Nazi Grunt: The fanbase is... diverse.
You mean fucking veird.
Nazi Grunt: It's a matter of perspective, really.
Jaffe: *Through the door* No one else is going to say it. Fine! I fucking will!
I wish Alucard was here!
Yeah!
Grunt: Really, Jaffe?
Yes, REALLY, because when he was around, shit wasn't so scary!
If anything, it was fuckin' hilarious!
But ever since he left everything's so god damned serious!
Jaffe: Like there's something MISSING!
Grunt: Hey, we're doing pretty OK without him.
It's... our time to shine, you kno-
DUDE! Let's face it, we fucking suck and no one likes us!
So... ok.
Let's grab some kneepads, a stiff drink, and gobble his cock.
You want to sit back and whimper like ze little pre-school bitch you are?
Go ahead!
But Alucard isn't here.
He's on a FUCKING boat and zere's not a GOD DAMN zing we can do about it!
So do some fucking soul searching or locate ze shattered remains of your testicles,
and hope, like always, zat the girl comes first
before zat barricade gives way and you're made into the world's whiniest Lunchable!
Jaffe: Oh, oh, right, the police girl.
Well, where the metaphorical FUCK IS SHE!?!
Seras: *Thinking* Welp....
Looks like 'Uman Resources 'as been... processed.
I'd feel worse about that if they ever did anything about all the sexual harrassment.
Y-you'd think Alucard was the worst offender.
*Seductivly* Hellooo...
Police Girl.
Sir?
Willingham: Not like you to have a girl clean up your mess, sir.
Heh! You're not wrong, Willingham.
But even with all zese men,
zis isn't zee kind of load we can handle on our own.
Hopefully, zose assholes are out of rockets.
Panzer Grunt: Ma'am, we have an abundance of rockets.
Shall ve bombard zem?
Zorin: Oh, nein.
I want to see how zis-
Panzers out?
Panzer Grunt: Oh?
OOOHHHHH!
Zorin: Oh?
Panzer Grunt: OOohhhhh! *laughter*
*sigh* And zey say ve Germans can't be funny.
*sighs with delight*
*BOOM*
*Wilhelm scream*
???: C'mon, move it! Move it!
*Pained grunting*
Bernadotte: Ze least zose fuckers could do is give us some warning
before they pull it out and blow it all over our backsides.
*grunting in pain, blood dripping*
And now, zis wood is going to gimme a limp.
Like usual...
Willingham!
Can you take care of zis for me-
*gasps*
Upper Half of Willingham: C-Can you bring it over here?
Bernadotte: Willingham..
No! Shit!
*Pained wretching* Willingham: How's it look?
P-probably how it feels...
I'm imagining crushed raspberries.
Yeah, zat about right.
Captain... listen...
There's one thing I need to say before I die.
What is it, Willingham?
My friend!
My brozer!
You fuckin' suck at picking our contracts!
*Death grunt*
*Speakin in French*
*On the verge of tears* Hey God...? It's me... Tony...
If only one of us makes it out of here alive...
Please let it be me!
Andy: Hey God?
It's Tony's friend, Andy.
Fuck Tony.
Panzer Grunt: I zink I am going to fire zis vun at...
Tony.
Yes....
Fuck. Zem. All.
*Click Click*
Panzer Grunt: You're kidding me, it's jammed!
Oh, zis is embarazzing-
*Intense music kicks in*
*Nazis screaming*
Throw your hands up, gentlemen!
Ze cavalry has arrived!
Grunts: Yaaay...
Dying Nazi: Oh, GOD, they shot me in the AAAAASS!
Zorin: Vell, vell, vell.
If it isn't the loyal police girl.
All right, you know GOD DAMN well what my name is!
You're right, I do...
But there's so much more I want TO LEARN..!
Police Chief: I see...
So you're looking to become a police officer?
Not surprising, given what happened to your family.
Zorin: Ah, I see. Did something happen to Mommy and Daddy?
*Evil laughter*
Let's take a look.
Headmaster: The sister here says you stabbed the boy in the eye with a pencil.
Young Seras: I'll stab your mother in the CUNT!
Headmaster: Young lady, how do you expect to be adopted if you continue this behavior?
Young Seras: I don't want to be adopted,
I WANT YOUR MOTHER'S CUNT!
Zorin: An orphanage..?
Oh, zis is getting even better!
Let's just dig into those repressed memories and perhaps ve'll-
*Sexy music*
Zorin: Uhm.
Zis... needs... context.
Let's keep moving.
Seras' Mother: Seras, hide in here,
and absolutely do NOT come out.
*whimpering*
*breaking pottery and Seras' mother screams*
*two gunshots*
Sigmund: Now look what ya' gone and done, ya' skipped the process!
Freud: What process?
Sigmund: The standard process o' breakin' and enterin'.
You're supposed to shoot the husband, rape the wife,
then shoot the wife!
You gone and shot the husband, then shot the wife!
Freud: Don't mean nothin'.
Sigmund: Course it does, now we can't rape her!
Freud: I beg to differ.
Body's still warm!
Sigmund: Come on now mate, gotta have standards.
I know we're shootin' an' rapin', but necrophilia is a step too far.
Freud: If you're such a bugger about procedure, why didn't ya' perform a 5-point room scan?
*Young Seras yelling*
*Freud being stabbed*
Freud: Bugger all!
Sigmund: Right!
*Gunshot*
My fault. I'll take responsibility for that one.
That is what happens when you do not perform a 5-point room scan.
Freud: You're right...
So you get to the 5-point room scan, and I'll get to the rapin'.
Sigmund: Steady on.
Zorin: Aaaww, ze poor little police girl has such a burden on her shoulders.
Let me help you take some of the veight out!
*Seras screams in agony*
Zorin: You're not even a decent guard dog!
*Seras screams in agony again*
Zorin: You're just a pet of a pet.
A stupid, big-tittied police girl!
*JESUS, more agonized screaming!*
Zen again...
it's a matter of perspective, really...
*Evil laughter*
VA TE FAIRE FOUTRE!!
Bernadotte: It's French for 'Fuck off!'
*Zorin getting her witchy ass handed to her*
Grunt 1: Captain! Let's move!
Grunt 2: Grab the girl and go!
Bernadotte: Sure, leave the 130 pound body to the guy with the gut wound.
*Speaking French*
Seras: After the arm, I-I think it's about 105...
Bernadotte: And ze blood loss,
ugh, something I could do with a lot less of right now.
Bernadotte: *Thinking* All right, Pip.
Keep it togezer.
One foot in front of ze ozer.
You got ze girl.
You've got your men.
You've got a way out of zis living hell-
*Fleshy stabbing noise*
Zorin: Vait your turn.
I vasn't done playing with that yet.
Jaffe: Holy shit,
CAPTAIN, THAT GERMAN BITCH IS STILL ALIVE!
Grunt 2: Jaffe, why the fuck do I have to die with you?
Seras: Cap'n Bernadotte, what was that stabbing noise?
An' that blood drippin' noise?
An' that body hittin' the wall noise?
*shaky voice* I'm blind, so I could really use a play-by-play...
I'm sorry, mon cher...
ez not like me to leave a girl unsatisfied...
but it seems I just didn't have it in me zis time...
Seras: Don't worry...
i-it happens to guys all the time.
*Awkwardly laughs*
But they can at least tell you, mon cher...
It was... good for me...
Seras: Mr. Bernadotte..?
Pip?
PIP?!
*piano starts playing*
Jaffe: Awww...
Grunt 2: That's sweet.
Next time, maybe I'll get past first base!
*laughs then coughs up blood*
*sigh* fat chance...
You're far too fine a wine, for a lout... like... me...
*Silence*
Seras: Pip..?
Pip?
Please get up...
No.
C-come on.
No, come on, I-I-I can't do this alone!
*Thinking* Master.
Master, I need you here!
I'm too weak for this!
I'm too stupid for this!
I can't handle this!
I-I'm not a real vampire!
I'm barely even a human!
Master!
What do I do?!
WHAT DO I DO?!
*Rock music in background*
Seras: Uhh...
Alucard: You rang?
Seras: Master?
Everything's falling apart.
Alucard: Shit, you're right! You should really get on that!
Seras: *voice breaking* Pip... Pip's dead, because of me.
Everyone's dead because I wasn't strong enough!
Alucard: Oh, so this is MY fault then.
Seras: W-wha? N-n-no!
Alucard: Everything is my fault, apparently.
Ate the last Spotted Dick pudding in the fridge?
My fault.
Crashed a car into the world's first British Dairy Queen?
My fault.
Unknowingly shot Archduke Ferdinand and blamed it on some other guy?
Oohhh, MY fault!
Seras: It's not your fault!
Zorin, Pip, the Flying Geese?
They were MY responsibility!
Alucard: But I chose you.
Are you saying I made the wrong choice?
Because I don't make wrong choices...
I make investments.
I'm sayin' I failed you!
I failed everyone!
The only way you fail is by giving up.
I give up because I'm not strong enoug-
Alucard: *Forcefully* Listen to me, Draculina!
You are SO MUCH stronger than you let yourself be.
'Ow do you know?!
Alucard: Because behind those eyes,
I saw something I lost long ago:
The will to live.
Now, stop running from who you are.
Confront it,
EMBRACE it,
and go for its FUCKING throat.
Like a REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!
*Crunch*
Zorin: Zat look,
how!?
I cut out your eyes!
How can you look at me like that?!
*Laughing* "Fuck you", that's 'ow!
Zorin, was it?
L-listen Zorin, this whole fuckin' place...is MY HOUSE.
You ain't the queen vampire bitch 'ere!
I am!
*Deranged laughing* And you know what we Brits always say:
*Living Dead Girl plays in the background* God.
*Living Dead Girl plays in the background* Save.
*Living Dead Girl plays in the background* The Queen.
*Living Dead Girl plays in the background*
Zorin: *Thinking* She's like a fuckin' blender,
turning my men into paste!
A German Bloody Mary!
Vy didn't we know about zis?
Vy didn't anyone do proper reconnaissance?
Aw, fick mich ...
Say my name, you Nazi bitch!
Zorin: GYAH!
P'too
I SAID SAY MY FUCKIN' NAME!!!
SAY IT!
SAAAY IIIIIT!!!
Zorin: SERAAAAS
VICTORIAAAAOOOU-
AHOOUUUGH-
*Seras panting*
Seras: And don't you fuckin' forget it...