﻿Hey guys, I’m Dev and I don’t need a super soldier serum to get swole.
Governments, evil corporations, and supervillains everywhere
are stuck in a never-ending arms race to create the perfect, obedient killing machine.
You are the next iteration of human evolution.
And believe me, I know it’s tempting.
Why drop ten bucks a month at Planet Fitness,
when you can get strapped to a table, pumped full of mutagens and boom:
you’re the Ultimate Warrior.
Don't say it!
On your left.
Come on!
But there’s a darker side to designer soldiers that all the government propaganda won’t tell you about.
They’re a danger to the subjects,
the scientists who create them,
and the very fabric of our society.
So the next time you’re sad that all your hunky friends are heading out to fight Nazis,
don’t just volunteer for the first crazy experiment that comes your way.
Think of your future.
Think of humanity’s future!
And ask yourself:
What Could Possibly Go Wrong With Super Soldiers?
I know you’re a simple patriot who just wants to serve your country,
but you still gotta look out for number one.
Is there anything you can do?
I'm doing it. I'm saving your life.
Before you enlist, you should at least consider the
Side Effects
Now, I know what you’re thinking:
But Dev, it worked for Steve Rogers!
And you’re right, Captain America is the poster boy for successful super soldiers.
Shut it down!
Don't! I can do this!
Dr. Erskine got it right, but he definitely didn’t get it right the first time.
In the Marvel Cinematic Universe,
Johann Schmidt got a premature dose of Super Soldier Serum,
and I’ll tell you one thing, it didn’t do any favors for his complexion.
Erskine fixed the bugs in his formula and unleashed Chris Evans’ inner beefcake,
but after he was shot by HYDRA, his secrets died with him.
Marvel’s scientists have spent the better part of a century trying and failing to recreate his serum,
including Bruce Banner, at least in the MCU.
And yes, the ‘Incredible Hulk’ movie is still canon, and we're just gonna have to deal with that.
Back when he was still Edward Norton,
Banner shot himself full of serum and bathed himself in gamma rays,
turning him into the Incredible Hulk.
Sucks for him, but at least he’s still kinda handsome,
in a giant, green, sort of way.
Can’t say the same about Emil Blonsky, though.
He gets pumped with more and more serum throughout the movie,
until he’s permanently transformed into an Abomination.
You’re not gonna win any medals if you turn into a horrific monstrosity,
and that’s getting off easy compared to the Extremis test subjects in ‘Iron Man 3,’
Let's begin!
Blonsky might need some Spanx to fit into a tux,
but these guys are literally exploding into giant balls of flame.
It’s not just limited to Marvel, either,
I mean, the Umbrella Corporation’s hottest sellers are all terrifying bio-organic weapons,
The ultimate life form... Tyrant.
but sometimes the real danger is on the inside.
If everything goes right and your body gets jacked instead of jacked up,
there’s still a very real chance you’ll
Go Insanely Evil
Deliver us!
Finish it!
From evil!!!
Dr. Erskine said his serum “amplifies everything that’s inside, so good becomes great; and bad becomes worse.”
So if you drink your milk and say your prayers like Steve Rogers,
you grow up to be a paragon of truth and justice.
But if you’re David Collins, the antagonist of the 2014 film ‘The Guest,’
well, turning into a super soldier will have some serious effects on your mental health.
No, I'm going to kill you.
If you haven’t seen this movie, it’s basically a slasher flick,
only instead of Michael Myers, it’s Captain America on the rampage through a small idyllic town.
He inserts himself in the lives of a typical American family,
and tries to solve their problems the only way he knows how,
with knives, bombs, and lots of bullets.
But after his cover’s blown, David’s experimental programming kicks in,
and he’s forced by his own twisted mind to murder the family that took him in one by one.
Hey, Luke.
The Super Soldier process is brutal enough to drive anyone insane,
and not the happy-go-lucky fun kind of insane.
I’m talking Kefka Palazzo insane,
world-conquering, civilian-slaying, devoid of all morals insane.
If you’re the subject, it’s not a pleasant experience to go through,
and if you’re a big-brain scientist who wants to revolutionize America’s fighting force through mind-control,
Just… Stop to think for a second.
Noo! You have the mixture all WRONG!!!
Think about Sephiroth,
Think about Nuke in Jessica Jones,
or those Winter Soldiers in ‘Civil War’ who went completely apeshit before they were put on ice.
Think about the Green Goblin, for God’s sake!
Back to formula?
The human brain is a delicate thing,
it’s not meant to be pumped full of neurotropic drugs,
hypnotic suggestions,
and the instruction manual for an Apache helicopter.
I know Kung Fu.
Show me.
The stress is just too much for a living person,
which is why some Super Soldier programs like to reanimate dead bodies.
It's alive!
That too, is a bad idea.
Who’da thunk it?
In ‘Universal Soldier,’ Jean Claude Van-Damme and Dolph Lundgren are two casualties of the Vietnam war resurrected decades later.
They can still remember the last moment before their death,
and when the memory is amplified by the UniSol process,
it turns their trauma into deadly insanity.
The effect is even worse in ‘Robocop 2,’
when OCP’s new prototypes immediately blow their brains out after they’re switched on.
You are under arrest.
They actually end up making their new cyborg soldier out of a dead drug addict,
since they can control him by promising that next fix.
It doesn’t work out, but I see what they were going for.
If you’re the head of a sinister mega-corporation or evil empire champing at the bit for an army of unkillable warriors,
you need to control your troops,
because Super Soldiers are notorious for their
Disloyalty
The whole appeal of a scientifically enhanced fighting machine kinda goes out the window if he defects to the other team,
or decides to stop fighting and open up a quaint artisanal coffee shop.
Is something burning?
My spinach puffs!
But no matter how much brainwashing,
memory wiping,
and torture you put your Super Soldier through,
nine times out of then, they’re gonna turn on you faster than Shawn Michaels.
See, one without the other isn't any good...
Oh, I knew he was gonna do that!
If I could do that kick... I would. I can't do it.
No matter what incarnation of Wolverine we’re talking about,
there aren’t too many people in the Weapon X project who lived to a happy and healthy retirement.
In the movies, Colonel Stryker is responsible for a ton of superpowered soldiers,
and he winds up getting killed by a freakin' dam to the face for all his patriotic efforts.
Deadpool and X-23’s friends end up killing their creators too,
but at least all these soldiers wind up being a force for good in the world.
Or, at least not a force for evil.
It’s not like they straight-up conquered the planet,
Unlike a certain ‘Star Trek’ super soldier with a smooth voice and even smoother pecs:
Khan is my name.
Khaaan!
Khan! Khan? Khan.
KHAAAN!!!
It's not a teeth-clenching Khan...
Khan.
Khan Noonien Singh,
the original, not the Cumberbatch botch, Cumberbotch we'll call it.
He was part of a 20th-century scientific program trying to improve the capabilities of the human race.
So how’d that work out?
Well, like Spock says:
“Superior ability breeds superior ambition.”
The Augments overthrew their lesser creators,
and by the ‘90s, they controlled a pretty huge chunk of humanity.
We offered the world order!
Khan was one of the most powerful super tyrants.
He ruled over a quarter of the planet until mankind rose up and overthrew their genetic superiors,
in what became known as the Eugenics Wars.
It was a brutal, bloody conflict that left over 30 million people dead by the end,
and Khan escaped to terrorize the peaceful world of the future.
The battle begins again, only this time it's not a world we'll win... It's a universe.
Global genocide is pretty much the worst outcome you can imagine,
so, as always, this begs the question:
when it comes to Super Soldiers, what’s the
Best Case Scenario?
Candidates that will easily fall under my command. Large in size, low in intellect.
Captain America is an obvious answer,
But, just like his little buddy Bucky, he’s got too much of an independent streak.
If I’m making a pityless war machine,
I want a little less free will.
You could make a strong case for Master Chief.
The hero of the Halo series always had humanity’s back,
Our duty as soldiers is to protect humanity. Whatever the cost.
but if I’m gonna stomp my enemies with some super soldiers by my side,
I want them to be a little more fun to hang around.
That’s why my ideal candidates are... Bebop and Rocksteady.
My man!
Yup! You gotta deal with that now.
They might not be the most effective henchmen,
but Shredder had the right idea when he pumped these two idiots full of ooze.
They don’t mind getting turned into horrific animal monsters,
Ha ha! What is happening to us?
I don't know, but this feels great!
They’re too stupid to be disloyal,
and they’re so incompetent that even if they did try to revolt and slaughter humankind,
they’d probably wind up curing cancer instead.
Dude! Seriously?
Yeah, that's my bad, I got a little carried away.
They might not your best bet for defending America or conquering Earth,
but then again, neither are Super Soldiers in general.
From disgusting mutations to lunacy and violent rebellion,
when it comes to Super Soldiers,
there’s just way too much that could go wrong.