We unexpectedly catch sight of ourselves in a mirror and, in an instant, are thrown into
despair: the odd nose, the unsatisfactory hair, the sickening skin tone, but most of
all, the only too familiar, deeply gormless needy expression. It feels at such moments
as if every worst fear about us must be true. All our efforts to run away from our monster-self
have failed. A hideous spectre is, for our brief time on the planet, truly whom we are
fated to be. Crucially, feeling ugly is entirely independent of what anyone actually looks
like. There are beauties who are sickened by their looks and grizzled munchkins breezily
at ease with themselves. There are always an infinite number of reasons to find oneself
pleasant or hideous, clever or idiotic: so what decides the matter is never in the end
the judgement of our eyes, but the condition of our souls. It is the inner mood that guides
our gaze in its assessment of the face in the mirror and that projects the atmosphere
of selfishness, sleaziness and furtiveness we locate in our features. Therefore, we don’t,
when we are sad, ever really need a new set of clothes or a haircut. We require – to
put it naively and grandly – to be looked at through the eyes of love, by someone whose
generous assessment can rescue us from the depredations of self-hatred. It is all the
more unfortunate that – precisely when we feel disgusting – it can be so hard to ask
another for their help. We hate ourselves too much to dare to hope that anyone else
might like us – and may, in response to kind enquiries, simply attempt to prove our
dislikable nature through monosyllabic avoidant grunts. We need – in our curdled state – for
someone else to explain our condition to the world, to make the case that we are lost and
ashamed, not monstrous or mean. We may need (for a time at least) to let someone else’s
words do the work for us.
At The School of Life, we believe that confidence is a skill we can learn. Our Confidence Prompt Cards are designed to help us to master this mysterious art. Click now to learn more.