WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
I FOR ONE -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I, FOR ONE, I'M IN A VERY GOOD MOOD.
YOU KNOW, THE KIND YOU GET WHEN YOU FIND A DOLLAR ON THE
SIDEWALK OR REALIZE THAT OUR CHILDREN MAY NOT BE DOOMED TO A
FIERY HELLSCAPE?
BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND, THE US SENATE FINALLY APPROVED A BILL
TO FIGHT CLIMATE CHANGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK GOD.
FINALLY.
THANK GOD, WE'RE GOING TO TRY TO SAVE THE PLANET.
'CUZ THAT IS WHERE I KEEP MOST OF MY STUFF.
THIS BILL IS CHOCK FULL OF GREAT THINGS FOR THE ENVIRONMENT LIKE
TAX CREDITS FOR RENEWABLE ENERGY APPLIANCES AND CLEAN TECHNOLOGY
MANUFACTURING, ALONG WITH NEARLY $400 BILLION OVER 10 YEARS IN
TAX CREDITS AIMED AT STEERING CONSUMERS TO ELECTRIC VEHICLES,
ALL IN ALL, IT WILL CUT GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS BY
ABOUT 40%.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S HUGE.
FROM NOW ON, WE'LL BE PUTTING ONLY GOOD THINGS INTO THE AIR,
LIKE DONUT-FLAVORED VAPE SMOKE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST CLIMATE CHANGE.
THE BILL, CALLED THE INFLATION REDUCTION ACT, WILL ALSO MAKE
GOOD ON DEMOCRATS' YEARS-OLD PLEDGE TO REDUCE PRESCRIPTION
DRUG COSTS FOR THE ELDERLY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES.
VERY EXCITING.
GOOD NEWS FOR THE ELDERLY, OR AS GRASSLEY AND DIANE FEINSTEIN
CALL THEM, "THOSE DAMN KIDS."
CHUCK ( LAUGHTER )
THEY'RE EVEN OLDER.
TO RAISE REVENUES, THE BILL INCLUDES A NEW 15% MINIMUM TAX
ON CORPORATIONS THAT EARN MORE THAN $1 BILLION IN ANNUAL
PROFITS -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- BACKED UP BY $80 BILLION TO THE I.R.S. TO INCREASE
ENFORCEMENT.
THE I.R.S. EXPLAINED THEIR NEW ENFORCEMENT POWERS TO
CORPORATIONS WITH THIS INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO:
♪ BETTER HAVE MY MONEY ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: NO ONE WAS HAPPIER TO GET THE BILL PASSED THAN
SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND MAN USING HIS SUPER POWERS TO WARM
HIS COFFEE, CHUCK SCHUMER.
SCHUMER GAVE A PRESS CONFERENCE FOLLOWING THE VOTE, AND HE SAID
THIS OF THE VICTORY: >> AS YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A
LONG, TOUGH, AND WINDING ROAD.
>> STEPHEN: AH YES, THE LONG, TOUGH, AND WINDING ROAD.
IT'S EVERYONE'S FAVORITE BEATLES SONG, NEXT TO A "HARD DAY'S VERY
DIFFICULT NIGHTTIME."
SCHUMER PRAISED THE HARD WORK OF SENATE DEMOCRATS:
>> I JUST WANT TO AGAIN THANK THE LEADERSHIP, HARD WORK, AND
PERSISTENCE OF ALL OF MY COLLEAGUES, THEIR TEAMWORK,
THEIR SPIRITED TEAMWORK.
THEIR KNOWLEDGE THAT WE HAD TO PULL TOGETHER TO GET SOMETHING
DONE IS AWESOME TO ME.
NOT AWESOME IN THE WAY THE KIDS USE THE WORD BUT IN THE SORT OF
BIBLICAL SENSE.
>> STEPHEN: (AS SCHUMER) "YES, THIS BILL IS AWESOME.
NOT IN THE WAY KIDS USE THE WORD.
THEY WOULD SAY IT IS STRAIGHT FIRE, FAM.
TO BE QUITE FRANK, IT SLAPS, AND I, FOR ONE, STAN.
BY WHICH I MEAN, STAN EISENBERG, MY PODIATRIST.
HE'LL TAKE THOSE CORNS RIGHT OFF, NO CAP."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ACCORDING TO SCHUMER, IT WASN'T
JUST THE 'AWESOMENESS' OF SENATE DEMOCRATS THAT GOT THEM ACROSS
THE FINISH LINE.
HE HAD A SECRET WEAPON: >> OKAY, DOES ANYONE NOTICE
ANYTHING?
>> NEW SUIT.
THIS IS MY LUCKY BLUE SUIT.
I BROUGHT IT IN YESTERDAY MORNING, BUT I DIDN'T WANNA JINX
IT, AND WEAR IT, AND SO-- BUT I WEAR IT ON GOOD LUCK DAYS, AND I
HAD A FEELING I'D BE WEARING IT.
>> STEPHEN: SENATOR?
PRETTY SURE THE LUCKY DOESN'T COUNT IF YOU PUT IT ON AFTER YOU
WIN.
I GOT THE JOB, AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO MY LUCKY SOCKS, WHICH
I'M GOING TO GO BUY RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE SENATOR WAS LESS THAN
THRILLED: BERNIE SANDERS.
HE TRIED REINTRODUCING A LOT OF PROGRESSIVE IDEAS THAT JOE
MANCHIN REMOVED FROM THE BILL, BUT ALL OF HIS EFFORTS FAILED,
WHICH MIGHT BE WHY HE WAS LATER PHOTOGRAPHED SITTING ON THE
CAPITOL STEPS LIKE THIS: OH, NO, WE'VE BROKEN BERNIE!
HE LOOKS LIKE THE DEPRESSED LEGISLATION FROM SCHOOL HOUSE
ROCK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
(AS BERNIE) "I'M JUST A BILL.
I'M ONLY A BILL AND I'M SITTING HERE WAITING FOR SOUP."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE MISS YOU, BERNIE.
WE MISS YOU.
OVERALL, IT WAS A GOOD DAY FOR DEMOCRATS, BUT THE G.O.P. DID
GET ONE WIN, BECAUSE, ON FRIDAY, REPUBLICANS FORCED THE REMOVAL
OF A MEASURE THAT WOULD CAP INSULIN PRICES AT $35 FOR
PRIVATE INSURERS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) EXACTLY!
37 MILLION AMERICANS HAVE DIABETES, AND REPUBLICANS WANT
INSULIN TO BE EXPENSIVE?
IT'S THE MOST UNPOPULAR POLITICAL MOVE SINCE J.F.K.'S
CAMPAIGN PROMISE: "I'M GONNA BANG YOUR WIFE!"
( LAUGHTER ) >> WOW.
WOW.
REALLY?
>> Stephen: AND WE DO THESE THINGS NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE EASY,
BUT BECAUSE I AM HARD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO.
YOU SEE, IT'S A REFERENCE -- ( LAUGHTER )
PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A DISTURBING UPDATE
TO A DISTURBING STORY ABOUT DISTURBING FORMER
PRESIDENT: NAPOLEAN BONASPURS.
EARLIER THIS YEAR, THE NEW YORK TIMES'S MAGGIE HABERMAN REPORTED
THAT DURING THE EX-PRESIDENT'S TIME IN OFFICE, WHITE HOUSE
STAFF FOUND PAPERS CLOGGING A TOILET, BELIEVING THE
EX-PRESIDENT HAD FLUSHED MATERIAL HE'D RIPPED INTO
PIECES.
IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME THE FORMER PRESIDENT TRIED TO FLUSH
SOMETHING EMBARRASSING.
ONE TIME STAFFERS WENT IN THERE AND FOUND ERIC.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, WHEN THE STORY BROKE,
THE EX-PRESIDENT DENIED IT.
SO THAT'S IT.
THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW THE TRUTH.
...UNTIL THIS WEEKEND, WHEN THE PLOT WENT FROM ONE-PLY TO TWO,
BECAUSE HABERMAN REVEALED THESE PHOTOS FROM A WHITE HOUSE
SOURCE, SHOWING SOME TORN-UP TOILET MEMOS.
TO BE FAIR, IT'S UNCLEAR IF THOSE ARE OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE
DOCUMENTS OR HIS TOILET'S SUICIDE NOTE.
( LAUGHTER ) JIM, CAN WE TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT
FLUSH FORCE ONE?
OK, THAT'S CLEARLY HIS SHARPIE HANDWRITING.
HE EVEN WROTE THE NAME STEFANIK.
AS IN ELISE STEFANIK, ONE OF THE EXPRESIDENT'S BIGGEST G.O.P.
DEFENDERS IN CONGRESS.
IF YOU'RE IN THE MAGA WORLD, THAT'S HUGE.
CONGRATS ELISE I HEARD THE PRESIDENT DROPPED YOUR NAME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, IT'S BEEN A WHILE -- ( APPLAUSE )
WOW!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE TALKED ABOUT CONSPIRACY THEORIST
AND SOFTBALL DIPPED IN PUBES, ALEX JONES.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) JONES IS, AND I WANT TO BE FAIR
HERE, THE WORST HUMAN ON THE PLANET.
HE HAS RECENTLY BEEN THE TARGET OF A DEFAMATION LAWSUIT OVER THE
OUTRAGEOUS LIES HE TOLD ABOUT THE SANDY HOOK TRAGEDY BEING
FAKED.
WELL, LATE LAST WEEK, THE JURY BROUGHT DOWN THE SLEDGE HAMMER,
AND ORDERED JONES TO PAY SANDY HOOK PARENTS OVER $49 MILLION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH!
HELL, YES!
THAT IS -- THAT IS -- THAT IS FITTING NEWS.
REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED ON A CHECK FOR $49 MILLION.
OF COURSE, ALL THE EVIDENCE MADE THE JURY'S DECISION PRETTY EASY.
INITIALLY, WHEN JONES TOOK THE STAND, HE SWORE UNDER OATH THAT
HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY EMAILS OR TEXTS ABOUT SANDY HOOK.
THEN, LAST WEEK, THE PLAINTIFF'S LAWYER SPRANG A SURPRISE:
>> MISTER JONES, DID YOU KNOW THAT, 12 DAYS AGO...
12 DAYS AGO, YOUR ATTORNEYS MESSED UP AND SENT ME AN ENTIRE
DIGITAL COPY OF YOUR ENTIRE CELLPHONE WITH EVERY TEXT YOU'VE
SENT FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS.
AND WHEN INFORMED, DID NOT TAKE ANY STEPS TO IDENTIFY IT AS
PRIVILEGE OR PROTECTED IN ANY WAY.
AND AS OF TWO DAYS AGO, IT FELL FREE AND CLEAR INTO MY
POSSESSION AND THAT IS HOW I KNOW YOU LIED TO ME WHEN YOU
SAID YOU DIDN'T HAVE TEXT S ABOUT SANDY HOOK.
>> STEPHEN: ALEX JONES WAS BETRAYED BY HIS OWN LAWYERS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I LOOK FORWARD --
( APPLAUSE ) I LOOK FORWARD TO WHAT HE'LL SAY
ABOUT THEM ON HIS CONSPIRACY SHOW:
(AS TUCK BUCKFORD) "THESE GUYS ARE PART OF A VAST
CONSPIRACY INVOLVING GEORGE SOROS, SEX HORMONES HIDDEN IN
CAPRI SUN COASTAL COOLERS, AND THE ILLUMINATI INJECTING
MICROCHIPS INTO YOUR GENITALS TO TEACH YOUR PENIS CRITICAL RACE
THEORY OR, AND FOLLOW ME DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE HERE, MY LAWYERS
ARE EVEN STUPIDER THAN I AM."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOOK, YOU RUB, THE MAYONNAISE -- ( LAUGHTER )
ALSO, LOOK AT JONES' LAWYER AS THE PROSECUTION REVEALS HIS
SCREW-UP.
(AS LAWYER) "WELL THEY DIDN'T COVER 'THIS'
IN 'LEGALLY BLONDE.' MM-MM-MM...
"JONES WENT ON HIS SHOW TO TALK ABOUT THE 'WHOOPSIE-GUILTY,' AND
SWORE THERE WAS NOTHING INCRIMINATING IN HIS PHONE
RECORDS.
>> THAT'S WHAT THEY'VE GOT.
AND IT'S JUST-- NO DICK PICS
NO NOTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OH --
OH, ALEX.
I BEG TO DIFFER.
EVERY PICTURE OF YOU IS A DICK PIC.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE MINDY KALING AND SENATOR CHRIS
MURPHY--AND JOE WALSH IS HERE.
WITH THE BAND!