(dramatic music) (Piper gasping)
- Maybe this is a bad time to say "hi."
(Piper screams)
- Who are you?
- My name is Alex.
- What do you do, Alex?
Besides make fun of strangers in bars?
- I work for an international drug cartel.
(Alex laughing)
(Piper moaning)
Horrible, wasn't it?
Come with me.
Quit your job and come with me.
You don't have to do anything,
you're just there to keep me company.
All right?
(slow jazzy music)
(women panting)
Come on, maybe I want you to come.
And I want you to cum.
Yes?
Is that a yes?
- Yes.
Yes.
- It's all good,
and I will meet you in Brussels,
and everything will work out perfectly, babe.
I promise.
(airplane motor roars)
- Bonjour. - Oh!
Bonjour.
Welcome to Belgium.
- I wanna taste what you taste like.
I love you too.
I'm just another drug mule to you.
- You are such a naive asshole sometime!
- I'm an asshole?!
- I am drowning right now,
and you won't even consider helping me!
- I am done.
I can't be your girlfriend anymore.
- Yeah, and apparently not even my friend.
(inmate whistling)
(dramatic music) (Piper gasping)
Maybe this is a bad time to say "hi."
(Piper screaming)
(upbeat music)
- You named me.
- What?
- You didn't have to take me down with you.
- Is that what all this is about?
You think I turned you in?
- You haven't seen me in five years.
You had no idea what was going on with me.
- It wasn't be, Piper.
- Bullshit!
- You were just this boring little girl from Connecticut
who wanted to feel special and bad.
- Don't turn this around on me.
- I didn't name you.
And yeah, maybe I never forgave you for leaving,
because you broke my fucking heart.
I'm gonna help you.
No strings attached.
- I told you that this was a bad idea.
(fist thumps) I did!
- Don't you do that.
- [Piper] Do what?
- That thing, like this is my fault.
- You know what I mean.
- Like you aren't accountable for anything
that ever happens in your life, ever.
- Am I supposed to tell them
that I made you get into the dryer.
- No, I want you to get me out.
Read that manual, unjam the door,
step the fuck up!
Wait, Piper, where are you going?
- I'm just gonna-- - No!
Don't you go.
Don't you fucking leave me.
- I'm here.
(gentle music)
(inmates chattering)
(upbeat dance music)
- Shit, these white girls trying to throw down! (lauhing)
- [Women] Oh!
(women laughing)
- What are we doing here?
(upbeat music)
♪ I've been taken with a new emotion ♪
You find out that I personally got you thrown in here
at the exact moment when your manicured fingers
were closing on the yuppy brass ring,
and somehow you don't have a problem with it?
You are so full of shit.
- Fuck you!
Fuck you, Alex!
You want me to be angry.
Well, guess what?
I'm really fucking angry,
because I love you, Alex.
I love you and I fucking hate you.
I pick him.
I pick Larry.
- You may never come to me again.
Ever.
- Why do you always feel so inevitable to me?
(gentle music)
- I heart you.
- You heart me? (Alex laughing)
- Yeah. - What is that?
Is that like I love you for pussies?
(Alex laughing)
- Say pussy again.
- I heart you too.
- We have got to go in united on this.
It'll be a red flag if you say you know him
and I say I don't.
They'll know that I'm lying.
- Maybe we should both just be honest.
(door rattles)
- This is not the time to take some moral high ground.
- Are you saying you never met Mr. Balik?
- Not that I can recall.
What's going on?
- I had to tell the truth.
My lawyer said-- - Are you kidding?
- Piper, you don't understand.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
Where are you going?
Are you getting out? - I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, Piper. - You're getting out?!
- I need to explain.
- Wait, what?!
What the fuck did you do, Alex?!
What the fuck did you do?!
- I sleep with a gun.
- You what?
Alex, what the hell?
You're on probation.
- There is a car parked outside of my apartment every day.
- Tell him that Alex Vause
is violating her probation
and that she is on her way out of town.
- You're a fucking psycho!
- And you can stop blaming yourself for being in here.
- And start blaming you?
Because that's what I'm supposed to do now, right?
So you can keep control over whatever this is.
- Control, Alex?
You were having a nervous breakdown!
- Which wasn't hot for you, was it?
Depressives are bummer fuck buddies.
Can't have that.
(gentle music)
God, you are such a manipulative cunt!
You bitch! (Piper cries out)
- Fuck you, Alex!
- Fuck you!
(women grunting)
(upbeat rock music)
(Piper grunting)
At least when I'm angry
I have enough gas in the tank to fuck you
like you deserve to be fucked.
I can't stand to look at you.
- But you can fuck me?
- Yeah, maybe if you'd learn to shut the fuck up.
- I sold you bad fruit so you would come back into my store,
and I know it was wrong, and I'm sorry,
but I'm also not sorry,
because it is
so good to see you.
What are we gonna do now if we can't have hate sex?
- Hate snuggle?
- Will you be my girlfriend?
(Alex chuckling)
- Yeah. - Yes?
- Yes, you idiot.
(lips smacking)
(gentle music)
(lips smacking)
I'm out, Pipes.
I'm out of that, and I'm out of this.
I begged you to listen to me,
and you were too busy fucking that tattooed kangaroo
and calling me paranoid.
I spent months thinking that I was crazy because of you.
And you know what?
I was right. - Right?
What do you mean you were right?
- Nothing.
(women breathing deeply)
(Piper moans)
I guess this is how we hold hands?
- I missed you.
- I missed you too, babes.
But this you, not the other galvanized, lunatic you.
- I love it when you talk dirty.
- It didn't matter what choices we made.
We would've ended up right here on this fucking bed,
sitting next to each other in prison.
- Doomed to be together.
- (chuckles) Exactly.
You know what I'm ready for?
- What?
- Things to be easy.
- We can do easy.
- (laughs) I'm not buying it.
- We could try.
We could be like old people who talk about articles,
and eat soup, and hold hands on the slow stroll
to the ass doctor for colonoscopies.
(gentle music)
- Deal.
- Alex Pearl Vause?
- Yes, Piper Elizabeth Chapman?
- Will you be my partner through love,
and through pain,
and through beauty fish forever?
- Is that your question?
- Alex, will you marry me?
- I figured that's what you were doing.
And
Yes.
- [Anita] Bravo!
(women laughing)
- Mazel.
(women laughing) - All right.
- [Anita] Bravo!
- [Nicky] Do you, Piper,
accept this keyring from Luschek's keychain
he was using to hold a Duane Reade savings card
as a token of Alex's eternal appreciation and love?
- I do.
- [Nicky] And Alex, please slide that fucker on there.
Aha.
- [Lorna] Oh! (chuckles)
- [Nicky] Thank you.
And now, by the power vested in me
by some website I forget the name of,
and the Federal Department of Corrections,
I now pronounce you prison-married!
And you may kiss the bride!
And you may kiss the bride! (women clapping)
(Lorna blubbering)
(inmates chattering)
(gentle music)
- Or I can rip it up.
You start selling for me, and you get 5% more
than he was giving you.
- You clearly need something more in your life.
You know, someone outside of this glass,
someone who can touch you,
and it's legal, and it feels good.
- You really like that? (Piper moans)
You like that?
You like riding my--
- Maybe if you don't talk. - Okay.
- At all.
(man grunting)
(man moaning)
The open thing.
I do, I do need some kind of a release, and I tried,
but I don't think that this is the answer.
Please call me.
I need you.
(gentle music)
(phone buzzing)
- Oh, shit.
Oh, shit! - Oh, oh, oh.
- Look, I am sorry that CO showed up at your place.
If I had known she was gonna do something like that,
I never would have-- - You never would have what?
You never would have fucked her?
- What about you?
Lie to me much?
- What?
- She told me that you're seeing someone.
- Do you...
- [Alex] Are you with her now?
- Is this something that we can survive?
- I don't know.
- I could never stop loving you.
- I just want you to know how sorry I am
for the fucked up detour you took with me.
- No.
- I want you to go and be happy.
And free.
- Alex.
You're not a detour for my life.
You are my life.
- That doesn't mean that we should be together.
(Piper sobbing)
I'll think about you every day for the rest of my life.
I hope you think about me too,
but I also hope that you find someone else to think about.
Pipes, there's just been too much bad shit.
- Yes, there's been a lot of bad shit,
but I've also hurt you.
- Can't we just call it even? - Please stop.
- You can't just--
- Please stop fighting this.
You need to let me go too.
- I love you.
I love you.
- I will always love you.
(gentle music)
- [Piper] But now, when I say clean,
I'm not talking about baths and showers anymore.
I'm talking about a clean sweep,
clean living,
a clean conscience,
and a clean slate.
(upbeat music)