442oons
Director: Name into the camera please.
Obama: I'm Michael Ballack Obama.
Director: Mask and cape please.
Obama: Sure. (Rustling)
Director: Okay, action.
Obama: I'm Batman. The first black Batman.
Director: The line is just I'm Batman.
Director: Never mind. Next line, please.
Obama: Oh, okay. Where's Hussain?
Director: The line is where's Bane, not where's Hussain. Go again.
Obama: Sorry. Where's Bane...Laden?
Director: Next!
Mr. Tee: I'm BA - or Mr. Tee - or if you mix them together, I'm B-A-T, man, which makes B-A-T-MAN. Urgh! B-A-T-MAN. Urgh!
Director: Jesus Christ. Mask and cape please.
Mr. Tee: Urgh! (Rustling)
Director: Okay...action.
Mr. Tee: I'm B-A-T-MAN. Urgh! I'm B-A-T-MAN. Urgh!
Director: STOP! It's Batman. All one word. Batman.
Mr. Tee: Yeah, but then that doesn't sound like BA and Mr. Tee mixed together, sucker.
Director: Next line, please.
Mr. Tee: Where's Face?
Director: No, no, no. The line is where's Two-Face.
Mr. Tee: Ha! Two-Face? It's just Face fool!
Director: Just skip to the part where Batman jumps on Bane's back.
Mr. Tee: What?! I ain't getting on no Bane, fool.
Director: Next!
Director: Name into the camera please.
Bale: Bale. Like Christian, but better.
Director: Hey, I know you. You were in Planet of the Apes!
Bale: No.
Director: Er...Rise of the Planet of the Apes?
Bale: No.
Director: Any of the Planet of the Apes?
Bale: No.
Director: Ah, you were in Every Which Way But Loose with Clint Eastwood!
Bale: No.
Director: Er, did you ever hang out with Michael Jackson?
Bale: No.
Director: Ah, that's it. You used to hang out with Justin Bieber!
Bale: No.
Director: Forget it. Mask and cape please.
Bale: If you don't mind, I brought my own costume.
Director: Sure. Whenever you're ready. (Rustling)
Director: Okay, ac- (Rustling)
Director: Okay, act- (Rustling)
Director: Okay. Action!
Bale: I'm Monkeyman! Oo-aa-aa. I'm Monkeyman! Oo-aa-aa. I'm Monkeyman! Oo-aa-aa.
Director: Stop! What the @!
Bale: It's Monkeyman is what it is.
Director: This film is Batman.
Bale: And I'm Monkeyman. I thought everyone might want a change from the Bat-thing. It's wearing pretty thin.
Director: The film is BATman. The character is BATman. He's a BAT. Man.
Bale: Oh, but I've made the costume and everything. Look. I've even got my own symbol.
Director: What are you doing with your hands?
Bale: It's my trademark and it's copyrighted. Cher-ching!
Director: What does that symbol even mean?
Bale: Well, everyone thinks it's a heart for my girlfriend, see, but it's not really.
Bale: It's really two bananas. You see, bananas are where Monkeyman gets his strength.
Director: Oh, Dear God.
Bale: I've got a special weapon too.
Director: A banana?
Bale: Pfff, no. It's not a banana. It's a bananarang. It's a bit like the Batarang, but it's a banana.
Bale: You throw it at enemies and it comes back to you.
Bale: You'll have to CGI the bit where it comes back to you, bud.
Director: I think you'd better leave.
Bale: Oh, no. Wait. Look, I've also brought somebody that could play Alfred.
'Arry: I'm 'Arry.
Director: And what's the deal with the car?
Bale: 'Arry's best screen work has always been filmed through his car window.
Director: I'm intrigued. Action.
'Arry: Endure, Master Bruce. (Laughs) That line reminds me of Steve Bruce, centre half at United.
'Arry: T'riffic player, fantastic. Tired to sign him at West Ham.
Bale: Stick to the script, 'Arry.
'Arry: Oh, yeah, right. Endure, Master Wayne. (Laughs) That line reminds me of Wayne Rooney, centre forward at United.
'Arry: T'riffic player, fantastic. Tried to sign him at Tottnum.
Bale: The script, 'Arry!
'Arry: Yeah, yeah, right. Endure, Master Bruce...Master Wayne...whatever. You've always been like a son to...
'Arry: That line reminds me of my son, Jamie, centre midfielder for England and Liverpool.
Director: Let me guess,
'Arry: No, terrible. Always injured. Played like a crab. But his wife, t'riffic woman, fantastic.
'Arry: Tried to sign her on her wedding day, but I couldn't quite get the deal over the line. She signed for someone else.
Director: Okay guys, audition over. Next!
Bale: What? But Monkeyman is the hero Gotham deserves!
Director: Yeah, but not the one it needs right now.
Bale: Oh.
Director: Look - oh God, I can't believe I'm about to say this - I'm gonna give you one more chance - IF...
Director: ...you get rid of Droopy in the bow-tie and stick to the script,
'Arry: Oh, t'riffic, fantastic.
Bale: Don't worry. I know how to get rid of him. 'Arry, the tax inspector is here!
'Arry: And the window slams shut.
Director: Okay, action.
Bale: I'm Monkeyman.
Director: Hallelujah. Angrier.
Bale: I'm Batman.
Director: Angrier.
Bale: I'm Batman.
Director:Angrier.
Bale: I'm Batman.
Director: Angrier!
Lighting Guy: (sighs) I'll just check the lights.
Director: Sure. Look, you need to find your inner anger. Your inner Bale. Your inner Christian Bale.
Bale: I'm Batman.
Director: Angrier.
Bale: I'm Batman.
Director: Angrier.
Bale: I'm Batman.
Director: Angrier.
Bale: Why the %^%& are you walking right through?!
Director: Yes.
Bale: Ur-der-der-der-der - like this in the background! What the ^£&! is it with you?!
Director: Yes. Yes.
Bale: Give me a &!*
Lighting Guy: Urgh, I was just checking the lights.
Bale: Oh, GOOD FOR YOU! And how was it?
Lighting Guy: Okay.
Bale: *&%$ sake man, you're amateur. Zak, you got *£&%$$ something to say to this prick?
Director: Yes, yes, yes!!!
Bale: You want me to go *&&%^
Lighting Guy: No.
Bale: Then why're you trashing my scene?
Lighting: I'm not trying to trash your scene, man.
Bale: YOU ARE TRASHING MY SCENE!
Director: Now say the line!
Bale: What?
Director: The script.
Bale: I'M BATMAN!
Director: Yes!
Bale: I'M BATMAN!
Director: Yes!
Bale: I'M BATMAN!
Director: Yes! You're Batman!
Bale: I'M BATMAN!
Director: You're Batman!
Bale: I'M BATMAN!
Director: You're Batman!
Bale: I'M BATMAN!
Lighting Guy: No!
Director: You're Batman!
Bale: I'M BATMAN!
Director: You've found your inner Bale. Your inner Christian Bale.
Bale: See you on set, Zak.
Bale: I'M BATMAN!
Director: Holy shit, that was awful. We're screwed.
Director: Get Affleck on the phone!
Camera guy: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
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