﻿Hi Guys, did you know that you are constantly mistaken, your subconscious mind reminds you that
anything new should be treated with extreme caution. So when you find yourself being
questioned by your partner, often your spikes come out like that of a threatened porcupine.
The simple act of an innocent question from a friend or romantic partner appears as a
contradiction to what we already know. And you act and behave based on beliefs you hold that
are all formed by experiences from your life. But where we are mistaken is that we are raised
in a society that is taught to win, from football matches to courtroom battles,
everything is geared towards a zero sum game. One person wins, the other loses. However the mistake
is that this logic does not work or appear rational when it comes to relationships.
And in relationships there is a further contradiction, that when we offer advice
to our partner it comes across as a teaching exercise which appears patronising. And the
additional irony is this advice is actually intended to help your partner become the best
version of themselves. Yet on every occasion it is met with a wall of defensiveness.
Take for instance a scenario where a woman complains frequently about her back pain,
the husband offers advice on stretching exercises and small adjustments she can make. Yet she meets
him with ‘yes i know, i already do that’ . The husband becomes confused and agitated
because he knows she doesn’t . Which leads him to interrogate further with questions that ask
what specifically she does to help herself. We don’t need to explain further but you can
see how the initial rebuff can lead to a heated and defensive conversation. But why is this?
It's because We can't appear to be wrong? Whilst the advice might be good and helpful,
the paradox is that it is unwelcomed and that we will never actually reach our
initial intention of helping the other person as we will be met with a defensive response.
And this is all because we can’t appear to take criticism well, even in the form of constructive
advice. The saddest part is, that the truth no matter how painful to hear is always the
best advice, yet if we admitted that our partner's advice and guidance was correct, we would succumb
to something even more painful…admitting we actually don’t know something.
No matter how much of zen master you just might be if we admitted our failings,
we would feel defeated and worthless, which would then tip us into a stage of guilt and shame.
And despite just how alpha we might feel at times, our psyches are just too fragile
to handle any additional stress. So why don't we tell the Truth.
When your partner asks you “do you think i have put on weight”. If you fall within the category
of wanting to live to see tomorrow then you will never and i stress never say the word “yes”. Even
philosophers such as Plato felt lying on occasion was for the greater good to ensure harmony among
the masses. Because our example might have your partner using the truth as a weapon, which could
result in her buying no more chocolate for the house, so there's a lot to lose for you too !
Every well-considered criticism needs to be wrapped up in layers of reassurance.
So let’s look at a few ways to help you stop becoming defensive.
Remind yourself of your most important principles.
Remembering our firmest beliefs and passions can help us feel less defensive when someone is
criticising us. It can be helpful to do this even if we don't directly confront the person who is
criticising us. You can shore up your self-esteem and reduce the need to get defensive by focusing
on your principles. So take a few moments to jot down what is most important to you in life.
Next, Develop a growth-oriented attitude. People can be defensive for different reasons.
Sometimes people are defensive because they feel like they aren't good enough.
Other times people can be defensive because they don't want to admit that they are wrong
How can we apply our effort toward self-improvement
rather than self-defence? According to Dr. Carol Dweck, author of GRIT, cultivating a growth
mentality might assist us in taking the jump. In a study, university students were given
information about intelligence. One group of students read a passage that said intelligence is
fixed and inherited from a young age. Another group read a passage that said intelligence could
be increased substantially over the life span. All of the other participants were given just four
minutes to read an extensive and bewildering passage from Freud's renowned The Interpretation
of Dreams, which was published in 1900 with its late 1800s terminology.
After they read, they answered some questions that supposedly gauged their comprehension.
But no matter their actual score, participants were told they scored in the 37th percentile.
Not bad yet not great. However those who were primed to believe in a fixed mindset had an
improved mood by comparing their performance to those that performed worse than them.
Additionally, individuals who had been conditioned to believe that intelligence is earned,
excelled. Rather than being defensive, they adopted a learning attitude
and attempted to improve their own performance. Of course, you can't expect to always react in
this manner when receiving every kind of criticism.
If you receive awful or abusive criticism, no one expects you to learn from it; instead,
use your energy to recover from such abuse. If you get feedback that is meant to help you,
it is better to focus on improving yourself than getting angry.Take a step back,
and think about how you can improve based on the feedback you receive. Always have
a growth mindset, and remember that feedback is meant to help you get better and better.
Dont React Yes this all sounds sensible,
but how do i keep my cool in the heat of the moment. There is no way I can run through all this
as if I keep a checklist on hand? Yes i agree in the fight or flight moment,
we often say something we later regret. So do one thing… pause.
Let the emotions build and crash like a wave... Use conversation filler such as, 'what else and
oh really', but try to remove the sarcasm from your tone. Stay silent and breathe.
Then inform the other person that you understand their point of view. This can be quickly remedied
with the use of the word "I", something simple like ``I hear what you are saying,
that makes sense, I will try that" . You will be suprised by the diffusion that it could bring to
a potential defensive conversation. When people feel they are listened to they feel valued.
Getting defensive is a part of evolutionary journey and history, we have had to defend
ourselves with since the inception of time as we have needed to protect our character,
express our identity and confirm our survival. But we always have a choice,
we have a choice to ignore our mistakes, blame external factors for why we didn't do something
and critique others in a way to deflect ourselves from shame, guilt and failure. Yet the choice is
equally yours to make changes, to stop being defensive and to adopt a mindset
that is open and ready for growth. For more videos like this check out the playlist on screen now!