To celebrate Christmas, we tried to book Santa,
but he's at Book Soup doing a signing
for his new coffee table book of tasteful elf nudes.
-Luckily... -(laughter)
we
He appears at homes and hovels all over Europe,
and his biopic
All the way from the Teutonic forests of Middle Europe,
Krampus is here, everybody!
-(cheering) -(Krampus growling)
(growls, chuckles)
(growling)
(growls) Hey, Chris,
your audience probably doesn't recognize me,
because Americans aren't aware of anybody's traditions
but their own. (growls)
Yeah, I... What an authentic Austrian accent you have.
-Uh, so... -(laughter)
-why are you here, Krampus? -It's 2016 now, Chris.
Better accent? Almost 2017.
Santa Claus is on the way out.
Too old, too jolly--
it makes you wonder...
what is he hiding?
He's crooked!
Crooked Santa.
All right, so you're saying that Santa Claus is corrupt.
Yes. He's too nice.
He rewards children for being "good"!
And that's not what real Americans just voted for.
-(laughter) -HARDWICK: Oh.
They voted for kids to be punished!
Punished with bundles of sticks.
(laughter)
That's where I come in.
Every year I go around to people's homes
and thrash kids with sticks.
That's my thing.
-(cheering) -MAN: Yeah.
It's what I do.
Isn't that what Christmas is all about, Chris?
The thrashing children with bundles of sticks?
Well, I don't... I don't know.
Comedians, that is a good question.
What is Christmas all about? Milana.
The thrashing of children with bundles of sticks.
Okay, all right. Uh, points for that.
Uh, con... that confirmation. Nick, what is Christmas about?
Uh, Christmas is about my Uncle Rod
taking too many close-up creepy pictures of my wife.
All right. Uh, points.
I mean, no... no offense, Krampus, I'm not being judgey,
but you seem to be particularly obsessed with this idea
of thrashing children with bundles of sticks. Why?
Uh, it's just so practical.
Think of the money you'll save on toys.
You buy a Hatchable, right?
60, 70 bucks-- whatever they cost, I don't know.
I don't go to toy stores.
I'm a grown man.
I send my assistant Michelle to the toy store for me.
HARDWICK: Okay.
Then you give the toy to the kid, and they start screaming
because of your horns and sulfur breath.
Wouldn't it just be cheaper to buy one bundle of twigs
that you can use to thrash them?
Well, I mean, I guess... I guess,
if you lay it out that way, then-then yeah.
-Thank you. -All right.
I mean, it seems like you're spending a lot of time
collecting small sticks when you could really
just grab one big stick.
That is a good point. 100 points for that.
KRAMPUS: You know, you got a point.
Hey, come on, Krampus, you cannot... First of all,
you're so obsessed with sticks.
-You cannot go around hitting children wi... -Wrong.
-...with sticks and... -Wrong.
-No, you can't. -Wrong.
No, I'm right.
You can't just go around swatting kids with sticks.
I mean...
Hi, Billy. Hi, Billy. Whack!
-What did Billy do? -Oh, hey, Darren, what's up? Whack!
Why are you hitting these fake invisible kids in front of you?
There has to be a better way.
Comedians, what's a better, modern punishment for a child?
Aparna.
Giving them gluten.
All right, points.
Milana?
You, uh, you take away their Pokémon
and then you tell them that the divorce is their fault.
Okay, good, yeah.
Listen, that's what my parents did,
and I turned out fine. Uh...
So, what is your point with all this, Krampus?
Uh, my point is Santa Claus is a cuck.
-What? -Wha... -What?
You heard me.
Google it.
America needs to upgrade this year
to a new Christmas guy:
me, Krampus,
the alt-Santa.
I... I...
I'm going to make... I'm going to make Christmas great again.
I can tell you that.
I'm going to make Christmas great again.
All right. So, comedians...
rather than, uh, beating people with wood,
there's got to be a better way to make Christmas great again.
Uh, so how do we do that? Aparna.
Putting... putting the Christ back in
"Jesus Christ, this country is (bleep)!"
All right, points. Points.
I was going to say thrash your children with bundles!
But whatever.
If you were wan... really want to... their children
thrashed with sticks on Christmas?
Uh... (scoffs)
Not
Just
My elves will start a database
to keep track of all the naughty kids
and to make sure they're all rounded up
and sent to camps...
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey! -Hey, no.
-No, you whoa, you hey. -No, you!
-Let me finish. -Okay.
Send them to summer camps.
Oh, okay, all right, that's...
There we go. Where they will be sorted
according to religion and sexual orientation.
-All right, that's it, we're done. -What?
We're done with you, please. Thank you, Krampus.
-Not thank you. -You! You!
Don't hit anyone on the way out.