- Let me ask you folks a question.
You ever catch a table corner in the crotch
when you're walking too fast.
(crowd laughing)
It happens that you can't predict it
cause it's like a snake in the grass.
He just need (screeching yell)
Nabs ya.
Yeah, just walking, I always wear a plastic insert here.
So to deflect oncoming table corners,
it's a horrible pain.
You guys walk in a room, a restaurant
you guys walk into a restaurant, you see tables.
I see a minefield.
(Crowd Laughing)
cause it comes out of nowhere. You're just walking,
[High Pitched Voice] like this is so much fun
I think we should get the pudding.
(Iliza Taps Mic and Gasps)
(Crowd Laughing)
I'm okay, Its-
(Iliza Heaving)
(Crowd Laughing)
- There are two ways to recover
from getting nailed in the crotch with a table corner.
That's why I'm here tonight to share this with you.
The first is a pick and roll
(Crowd Laughing) That's where you just (taps mic)
take that table corner like a (beep) champ.
(Crowd Laughing)
Don't let it affect you.
This leg stays planted.
You can pivot around it.
(Crowd Laughing and Clapping)
But do not lift this leg or else its traveling.
You're gonna get a technical.
(Crowd Laughing) I'll show you what it would look like.
All right, pretend we're out on a,
- [In High Pitched Voice] Oh this is so much fun
I think I'm just gonna get the cheese.
I don't want any carbs.
I am going to be in a bathing suit; No carbs.
(Taps Mic) I'm okay.
(Crowd Laughing and Cheering)
(Crowd cheering loudly)
Stick the landing.
- Now bear in mind.
Your date just saw you eat crap.
So you better, like, explain that one.
- [High Pitched Voice] What? I didn't fall.
I was twirling.
I saw cheesecake. I twirled. Get me a diet soda.
- There's no graceful way to get up from that.
Its just, that's it.
Or you can just do what I did.
My date told me that I looked like
a dinosaur getting hit with a rock.
When I got nailed in the crotch with the table corner
we were out on our date, our last date
(Crowd Laughing)
I was probably making googly-eyes at the waiters.
- [High Pitched Voice] And I mean this is so fun.
You know (mumbles) water (mumbles) drink later, margaritas.
(taps Mic) (Iliza Squealing)
(Mic Bangs on Floor)
(Crowd Laughing)
(Iliza Imitating Pterodactyl Screeching)
(Crowd Laughing)
(Iliza Screams)
(Crowd Clapping)
That was me eating a low flying pterodactyl.
Once you've fallen on a date,
it's pretty much nowhere to go from here but down.
It's a sharp pain too.
So your vomit comes up to here in your throat.
Get that involuntary trail of tears,
not a native reference, that's just what happens
(Crowd Laughing and Cheering)
Going out, also, you gotta dress up.
If you're going to go out.
tedious, pointless.
Guys, next time you see a girl in a pair of heels,
ask her how tall she is.
She will give you two numbers.
She will give you her height and her heel height.
How tall are you?
[High Pitched Voice] I'm five-six, I'm five-nine in heels.
- Girls don't do that.
No one's interested in how tall you can be.
We're not picking for basketball teams.
It doesn't matter. They just trying to talk to you,
after that initial height, it's just mindless statements.
After that five-six, five-nine in heels.
Great. I can go five miles an hour, 80 in a car.
(Crowd Laughing and Cheering)
Men are hunters. Women are gatherers.
These are your societal roles, As dictated by nature.
Men are hunters. Women are gatherers,
except for when it comes to shopping
And then women are hunters
But we are the only creatures
that will rationalize a kill after we make it.
A lion runs down a turkey, eats it,
doesn't think twice about it,
although why a lion and turkey are on the same terrain,
I don't know. This is a, wouldn't matter.
no woman's ever just swiped a credit card
and been like (whoosh)
- [High Pitched Voice] super confident with Myself
and that choice. I'm just going to go.
- No.
(Crowd Laughing)
(Crowd Cheering and Clapping)
Ladies,
There is a full-on debate
between that girl and whatever poor soul
she dragged with her that day at the mall.
It's like (whoosh)
[High Pitched Voice] was that a good idea?
Those shoes are super cute, do you like them?
I really like them. Are you sure you like them?
They're really cute. Are you sure?
- Just get the (beep) shoes.
We've been here for five (beep) hours.
I want to go home to my family.
(Crowd Laughing and Clapping)
Guys don't do that. It's not like,
[Imitates Male Voice] I went bear hunting last week.
I killed a Bear.
But I don't know how I feel about it.
(Crowd Laughing)
His friend doesn't swoop in like,
you know what, it's Gucci when,
you got to spend some time out doors,
You got to hang out with your dad.
Now you have a bear.
(Crowd Laughing and Cheering)