- What do you guys wanna hear a rap about?
Richard the third.
(crowd laughs)
Fucking hell.
Okay.
You from Leicester?
No.
They found him in a Leicester car park,
right, that was what happened, isn't it?
Okay, cool, Richard the third.
That's a good suggestion.
Guys on this side of the room,
what you wanna hear a rap about?
- [Woman] Being 50. - Being 50, cool,
thank you very much.
Is that a birthday you're celebrating this year?
Yeah, good on you, well done.
That's a impressive age to reach.
I don't fucking know,
I mean like 100 years ago yeah, that's great, well done.
Richard the third wasn't 50 right?
You beat him, fuck him,
he was the king as well,
he had all the healthcare he could've wanted.
No, you nailed it.
Elvis died at 42, you're better than Elvis, there you go.
Jim Morrison, Joni Mitchell, Kurt Cobain,
all 27, you're better than them.
Right, being 50, Richard the third.
What was that shout from the back?
- [Lady] Countdown.
- Countdown?
That's a good suggestion.
Cool, I like that, thank you very much
someone doing the cheering over there as well.
Countdown, being 50, Richard the third.
I want two more suggestions, let's make these good.
Life, that's very general isn't it?
- [Man] Octopus.
- Octopus, that's an animal unfortunately and a food.
Whoever said life, is there an aspect of life
that you're interested in? - [Woman] Menopause!
Menopause?
Okay, the menopause as an aspect of life, Richard the third.
Okay, thank you very much for fanning a woman,
that's nice isn't it?
So Richard the third, being 50,
menopause as an aspect of life, Gabber?
As in the hard house, happy trance genre music, yeah.
Okay, wow that will hit home for about seven people in here
who are probably too fucking zoonked out.
So Gabber, the menopause, Richard the third,
- [Woman] Sex. - being 50,
no I think we've got 'em all, 'cause what was the other one?
- [Lady] Countdown. - Countdown, cool.
- Thank you very much, that was perfect.
This then lovely people of the Krater Comedy Club,
little Christmas gift for you,
little thing called a freestyle rap,
that is a rap made up on the spot based
entirely on those suggestions.
One more time Richard the third, being 50,
the menopause, countdown and Gabber.
It's gonna be entirely made up, it will never be seen again.
And do not worry, it will not be anywhere near as
atrociously, embarrassingly, toe curlingly bad,
as you are expecting a privately
educated middle-class white boy to be.
(crowd laughs)
You seem real behind this, that's okay.
Let's drop that beat good sir,
let's show 'em how we do.
Which one to start with (murmurs)
♪ I start of course ♪
♪ At the battle of Bosworth ♪
♪ My kingdom for a horse ♪
♪ Shakespeare wrote a play about me ♪
♪ Not Richard one, Richard two ♪
♪ But three ♪
♪ A horrible cripple ♪
♪ He had a hump in his back ♪
♪ Kevin Spacey ♪
♪ Had a fucking crack ♪
♪ In the role at the national ♪
♪ Down in the south ♪
♪ When he wasn't putting 16 year old boys in his mouth ♪
♪ That's a true fact ♪
♪ I wanna go and say ♪
♪ Best played by Lawrence Olivier ♪
♪ It's my favorite one of the history's ♪
♪ Where was he buried ♪
♪ It was a mystery ♪
♪ Until four years ago ♪
♪ And for a mad luck ♪
♪ They thought we should excavate a car park ♪
♪ Then down deep through the tarmac observed ♪
♪ That's a shopping trolley ♪
♪ That's Richard the third ♪
♪ They got his body out ♪
♪ Interred him in the chapel ♪
♪ Moving on yeah ♪
♪ I never had a hassle ♪
♪ When I'm sitting down in my front chore ♪
♪ I love watching all the shows on the channel four ♪
♪ Carol Volderman ♪
♪ She was the one I had the crush on ♪
♪ If I'm there she's asking me the question ♪
♪ I say Carol you thought I have forgotten yeah ♪
♪ Let me say one from the top and one the bottom today ♪
♪ Two big five small that is what I asked for ♪
♪ I wanna enter Carol right from the backdoor ♪
♪ Even now she's looking so nifty ♪
♪ What's her age? ♪
♪ Probably 50 ♪
♪ She's still got the big breasts though ♪
♪ I say let me spell it out ♪
♪ Carol for you I'd go down cunnilingus ♪
♪ On Volderman for so long ♪
♪ I'll be spelling all the letters ♪
♪ on the clit with the tongue ♪
♪ I'm ever so sorry ♪
♪ It's meant to be ♪
♪ I have intercourse with a half century ♪
♪ Being 50 what an age to be ♪
♪ Means you probably start ♪
♪ With the HRT ♪
♪ Around of applause for the menopause ♪
♪ That's a people get angry ♪
♪ And of course ♪
♪ You're like oh we rarely discuss it ♪
♪ It's really hard when I get the hot flushes ♪
♪ Hot flashes my skin goes red ♪
♪ It's so exciting when you lay in bed ♪
♪ Your husband comes home ♪
♪ Yeah he's the dap there ♪
♪ He's been out dancing to Gabber ♪
♪ Why would he do that ♪
♪ He's from the 80s ♪
♪ A genre now that teens would have these ♪
♪ They prefer pop rap ♪
♪ And all the other shit ♪
♪ But Gabber was amazing when the bass line hit ♪
♪ It would go about three times the bpm ♪
♪ About 200 to 110 ♪
♪ Had an MC toasting over the top ♪
♪ And when the DJ puts the record on ♪
♪ I hope it never stops ♪
♪ More rumble the jungle ♪
♪ I say heck yo ♪
♪ It's better than disco or fucking techno ♪
♪ Admittedly I made up all of that ♪
♪ I've got good taste ♪
♪ I don't listen to those tracks ♪
♪ There you go ♪
(Crowd cheering)
Thank you very much for watching.
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Shouting, bye.