(upbeat music)
- Let's kick it off with the Catholic church.
The place that was rocking robes long before Corona.
Now, they're known for sticking to old traditions,
but in these Corona times,
even priests are learning to innovate.
- One priest in Michigan may have found
the most unique way to connect with parishioners
and social distance at the same time.
Photos posted on social media by St Ambrose Church
shows the Reverend using a squirt gun
to shoot holy water.
As you can see, drivers pulled up to the Church steps
and are greeted by the Reverend, who's wearing
a face mask, gloves, and holding a bright green gun.
He told BuzzFeed News for an article over the weekend
that he was a bit concerned about how the Vatican
might react when the photos of him squirting holy water
began circulating widely on the internet.
But he says, quote,
"I haven't heard anything yet."
- Okay, hold up.
Water gun blessings?
That might finally be the thing that gets
the churches numbers to go back up again.
And, it's a great way for other Catholic priests
to explain why they have a bunch of kids toys
in their basements.
The only way this could be more fun, is if they did it
with a water balloon.
Because that way, you could watch it in slow motion
and see the exact moment when your sins are absolved.
(water splashing) I'm saved!
This also opens the Catholic Church
to much cooler scenes in movies.
Because normally, the Catholic priest is always timid
and all they can do is pray.
But now when they meet a demon they can be like,
"Say hello to my little friend."
Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, squirt, squirt,
squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt.
Moving on, summer is almost here.
But this year, it will bring a whole new set of challenges.
Black people have to figure out how to cook out
while social distancing.
White people, have to go into the sun starting completely
from scratch.
And for kids, every camp is now computer camp.
But there is good news for beach goers who want
to practice social distancing and they can do it in style.
- The growing use of face masks has inspired
a new summer fashion trend, the "trikini".
Adrian Fuqua, is a fashion designer in the South Bay.
She's pairing her custom bikinis with matching face masks,
how about that?
Adrian's business is donating part of their trikini proceeds
to Team Rubicon.
That is a group of military veterans that delivers meals
to seniors.
- Finally, the "trikini."
The outfit that's perfect for going to the beach
and then robbing a bank.
Seriously though, I love that even during a pandemic,
humanity is adapting so that we can still find a way
to post thirst traps.
But I would recommend, just to be safe as possible,
don't bother with the phone version.
It's sexy, but I don't think it works.
You know what though?
I bet the more trikinis we see, the more people
are gonna start getting turned on by chins.
Because think about it, it's always the hidden parts
that people think are hot.
Like if trikinis become a thing at the end of the day,
someone will be taken off the trikini and their partner
will be laying in bed like,
"Oh yeah baby, show me that anterior mandible.
"Oh my god."
And finally, a story from Germany, the country that only
has an outside voice.
Germans have now found a way for people
to enjoy live classical music that is safe for both
the performer and the audience.
One on One concerts with a single musician playing
for a single audience member in parks, museums
and airport terminals.
So if you love classical music
and prolonged awkward eye contact, then this is for you.
Although this only works for classical music
because I mean, I enjoy hip hop but a solo rap concert
feels like a guy who's just yelling at you on the beat.
Yo everybody, put your hands in the air.
Now everybody's scream!
Ah!
You know, I think this Germany thing is a great idea.
The only problem is, with classical music,
you can never tell when it's over.
If you go with a crowd, you can always know
because the old people start clapping because they know
the songs.
But when it's one-on-one, it's gonna be hella confusing.
(gentle music playing)
(claps)
Bravo (guitar playing)
Chuck E. Cheese, ground zero for the next pandemic.
While most restaurants in the age of Coronavirus
have switched over to delivery, Chuck E. Cheese
has been faced with the ultimate dilemma.
How do you get people to order your crappy food
when the only reason they ever came to your establishment
was to entertain their kids and buy weed
from your assistant manager?
Well, it turns out all it takes
is a little old fashioned American ingenuity.
- [Announcer] Chuck E. cheese is accused of tricking
some Grubhub users.
Several customers say they placed orders
at Pasquale's pizza and wings.
They thought they were supporting a local business.
Every address for Pasquale routes back
to a Chuck E. Cheese.
Well, turns out Pasquale is the name
of one of those animatronic band members you see
in Chuck E. Cheese, the fake band, the parent company
for Chuck E. Cheese says it wasn't trying to fool anyone.
It said Pasquale's is meant to be a premium pizza
that's a little more upscale than you find at
a kid's birthday party.
- Yes, Chuck E. Cheese has been pretending
to be a different place online, to try and sell their pizza.
This is officially the weirdest episode of "Catfish" ever.
By the way, can I also just say that I don't trust
the person who uncovered this scheme?
Because what adult knows the flavor of Chuck E. Cheese pizza
so well?
"Wait a minute, this is Chuck E. Cheese.
"I eat this every day."
- "All right, we're gonna investigate them, but after that,
"we're gonna investigate you too you weirdo."
Speaking of ingenuity, in South Korea, one soccer team
got a little too creative about how to fill
empty stadium seats.
- [Announcer] A soccer team in South Korea is in hot water
after being accused of using adult companion dolls
to fill empty seats at their stadium.
FC Seoul wanted to fill empty seats
with masks wearing mannequins at its home opener on Sunday
but some observers of the game on TV noticed that
these fake fans looked a lot like sex dolls.
The club has issued an apology on social media and claims
they were assured by the manufacturer
that they were simply meant to be realistic mannequins.
- Yes, this soccer team thought they were getting mannequins
to fill the stands, but instead, they received sex dolls.
Which means, somewhere out there, there's some guys
who ordered sex dolls, but ended up with regular mannequins.
Oh, yeah, you are, baby, are you okay?
You seem like you're somewhere else tonight, talk to me.
Now I'm gonna be honest man, I don't get what the problem
is here.
Because yes, they might have used sex dolls in the stands
but they're not being used for sex.
In fact, when you think about it, any doll
can be a sex doll.
Just ask nine year old me and He-Man.
Our love was the power of grayskull.
And finally, one ray of sunshine Coronavirus has brought
us during these troubled times, is that people
are finding cleaner and healthier ways to get
from point A to point B.
- [Announcer] If you're thinking about buying a bike,
you may be prepared for a long wait.
The US is reportedly facing a bicycle shortage.
Bike sales are through the roof right now
since the pandemic began.
More people turning to bikes
to either avoid public transportation or just try to stay
in shape and get some fresh air.
Sales of bikes jumped 121% in March.
- Yes, it turns out, more people are buying bicycles
than ever before.
And I get it, I mean, there's nothing better
than biking on a nice day, cruising down the streets,
breathing fresh air, having a bug flying into your mouth
coughing uncontrollably, almost throwing up.
Oh man, bikes are the best.
Bikes are like a peloton that lets you ride away
from your husband who's telling you to lose weight.
But just remember folks, with more people biking than ever,
it is a specially important to bike responsibly.
And I'm looking at you Cirque du Soleil,
that is not socially distant.
All across America, millions of people
have been receiving stimulus checks from the government
to help them through this tough time.
Some people use the money for rent, some people use it
for groceries, some people use it to rent groceries.
I don't know how that works but they say it saves money.
But one woman decided to use her check
to lift other people's spirits.
- And a New York woman collaborated
with the New Orleans Jazz Orchestra to put on
a stimulus serenade for frontline hospital workers
and COVID patients in New Orleans.
Emily Bowman used her stimulus money
to pay for the out-of- work musicians, while offering
a morale boost to health care workers.
She's hoping to inspire others to conduct similar concerts.
- Amazing, she used her stimulus check
to hire out-of-work musicians
and honor New Orleans health care workers in one fell swoop.
That is such a beautiful gesture, although
it was a little inappropriate when they threw beads
at the nurses.
Also, I hope the surgeons couldn't hear the music outside.
because I don't know if you've been to New Orleans,
but those bands are really good.
Like you can't resist dancing.
Alright nurse, I will make the incision,
if everybody can just, oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!
I actually tried this in South Africa
and it didn't really work.
I hired a vuvuzela group to honor the healthcare workers
but all that happened was the patients left
the hospital saying they'd take their chances with Corona.
And also love that they honor their healthcare workers
with live jazz, because what's more New Orleans
than live jazz?
This would be like if Philadelphians entertain their nurses
with a fist fight outside of Wawa, it's so authentic.
Of course, that free concert is only one of many stories
we've heard about ordinary people trying
to honor healthcare workers.
In fact, one big story that went viral last month
was from the UK, where 100 year old man
raised 40 million dollars doing a charity walk
in his garden.
And now, the UK is saying to him, good on you chap.
- [Announcer] A 100 year old veteran in Great Britain
will receive a knighthood.
He'll be knighted for helping frontline workers
during the Coronavirus pandemic.
Captain Tom Moore raised more than $40 million
for Britain's National Health Service
by just walking around, walking laps around his garden
using a walker like you see right here.
And that effort captivated the nation.
- Oh, this is fantastic.
This 100 year old man is gonna become a knight,
which is the highest British honor you can receive
outside of Star Baker.
And I'm not surprised this man is concerned with how
the queen's gonna handle that sword.
I mean, we all saw how she stabbed Meghan Markle
in the back, you don't know what she's capable of.
I just can't wait for him to meet all the other Knights
once this pandemic is over.
I'm Sir Tom Moore, knighted for raising $40 million
for the NHS.
And I'm Sir Mixed-a-Lot, I was knighted
for telling the truth about how much I like big butts.
But this goes to show you two things.
One, when it comes to helping, your age doesn't matter,
anybody can help.
And two, people in every country around the world
are really desperate for sports right now.
Because clearly people in England were like,
look, it's no Olympics, but I've heard there's an old man
who's walking around his house every day,
which might be quite entertaining.
Are you shitting me?
I would pay 10 pounds to 100 pounds to watch that.
That sounds bloody exciting.
And finally, has this pandemic made you wish
you could be living in another universe?
Well, first of all, congratulations on being basic
and secondly, here you go.
- [Announcer] It may sound like an episode
of "The Twilight Zone", but NASA scientists say
they have detected a parallel universe that exists
next to our own.
Using a cosmic ray detection experiment, scientists
in Antarctica say they have found evidence
of a universe born in the very same Big Bang as ours
but with rules of physics that are completely opposite
in our universe.
Higher energy particles can only be detected coming down
from outer space but using a giant balloon like object.
The scientists detected similar particles coming up
out of the earth, implying the particles
are actually traveling backward in time.
- Okay, this is just insane.
Scientists say that they detected a universe,
a parallel universe that unlike ours, moves backwards
in time.
And before you get all excited, yes, Trump
is still president in this parallel universe.
The only difference is that in this universe, he can read,
which makes him even more dangerous.
But wouldn't it be funny, if in the other universe,
everything is like a weird kind of backwards?
So Trump hates Ivanka, but he wants to bang Eric.
Yeah, we haven't forgot.
Actually, the more I think about it, imagine how great
it would be, to live in a parallel universe,
where time is going backwards.
I mean who wouldn't love that?
Coronavirus, goes away, Trump, goes away.
President Obama comes back, it's amazing.
Oh shit, wait, now slavery is back.
I dint think this through, I didn't think this through.
The weed, aka marijuana, jazz spinach, Nelson mande edibles,
for many people, it has been an important way
to get through the Coronavirus lockdowns.
But now, it turns out it might also be
a cure for Coronavirus itself.
- [Announcer] A study in Canada has prompted the idea
that marijuana can help cure COVID-19.
Researchers at the University of Lethbridge in Canada
applied multiple strains of CBD to cells
to see if it changed their ability to be infected
by the COVID-19 virus.
They found that high concentrations of CBD
lowered the number of cells that the virus
could attach itself to.
This study is a pre print publication.
That means it hasn't been peer reviewed and the tests
haven't been repeated yet.
Can you believe it?
It turns out your high school stoner friend was right,
weed really can do it all.
And then if this really works, it kind of makes sense.
I mean, the Coronavirus is on the way
to infecting your lungs and then hits all the weed
and all of a sudden the viruses like wait,
where was I going?
What am I doing here?
Wow, if you're notice how like I'm a virus,
but I'm like, also like a, like a, like a thing.
Now before you order a Costco size nug, keep in mind
that this study was released before being peer reviewed.
Which means it hasn't been confirmed.
You see all the articles that are like,
oh, CBD cures this thing CBD but it hasn't been confirmed.
And you know, it's always weird to me
when researchers put studies out themselves.
You think somebody else would have to put up their studies
but they just do it themselves.
It's almost like mixtape rappers, you know,
like those guys in the streets.
"Hey, what's up fam, you like science, man,
you like science?
Yo, you want science, check this out man,
this got some dope reviews in the control group
and in the variable group.
Man, you wanna check this out, man yeah, check it out,
come on, look, in my opinion, people shouldn't be able
to put studies out before they've been verified.
I mean, before I realized that this study
wasn't peer reviewed, I ran out and I bought
a bunch of weed.
What am I supposed to do with all of it now?
And another big caveat is that this study was backed
by a CBD company.
And I'll be honest with you, I don't know why weed people
are always working so hard to find additional benefits
to weed.
Isn't it enough that it just gets you high?
I mean, there's no meth heads out there who are like
" I tried scrubbing some meth on your car,
it makes it really shiny.
Now you see why I like it right?
Now, maybe getting high isn't your vice?
Maybe you were into something else, like gambling.
Well, if that's the case, there's good news for you too,
because Vegas is coming back baby.
- [Announcer] Well, the Las Vegas Strip
could welcome visitors back as early as June 1st.
- You'll see a lot of social distancing,
tables will be six feet apart.
Menus will be paper menus and will be sanitized between each
and every use so, there's almost without exaggeration
not one part of the business that is not going to change.
- [Announcer] On top of that every other slot machine
is out of service
with the chairs removed as well.
The same goes for the poker table too.
Caesar employees are gonna be using these electronics
sprayers to disinfect the dice and the elevator buttons.
As for mass, they are mandatory for the employees.
They will be given out to guests even on the gaming floor
something that has never been seen before
in Sin City casinos.
That's right, Vegas casinos are about to reopen.
Although I'll be honest, I don't know why anyone who needs
a casino right now.
I mean, I feel like every time you step into Whole Foods,
you're placing the ultimate bet.
All right baby, let's put it all along the line
for another tub of yogurt.
Now, thankfully, casinos in Vegas say that they're
gonna be instituting some new safety measures
like handing out masks.
And wearing masks while gambling would be great,
especially for me, because whenever I play poker,
I've got this thing that I do with my tongue that's a towel
and it's like a really tiny little thing.
I'm all in
One thing's for sure though, this is definitely
gonna change some of the classic gambling traditions.
Like, blowing on the dice for good luck or wiping your nose
with your cards or storing poker chips in your mouth.
We can't do that anymore.
And finally, let's check in
with Mike Pence, Vice President of the United States
and guy who covers his eyes when Simba and Nala kiss.
Yesterday, unfunny Steve Martin was in Florida
to see how their reopening is going.
And when he stopped for lunch at a local restaurant,
he gave us the most Mike Pence moments imaginable.
- Vice President Mike Pence did something this week
many of us are patiently waiting to do order food
inside a restaurant.
He stopped at a burger joint
with Florida Governor Ron de Santos yesterday.
- Of course Mike Pence wants not spicy.
This dude's favorite Spice Girl was Celine Dion.
Seriously, it's crazy that Mike Pence, can even eat
at restaurants considering all his diet restrictions.
I also can't have any meat that's touched other meats,
it's a sin.
Also, what you didn't see in that clip,
because they cut it out, was the part when the employee
asked pence if he wants breasts or thighs
and then mother came in and tackled the shit out of him.
(upbeat music)