Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
Popular, though it is, Marvel’s is not the only cinematic take on Norse god Thor.
‘But Thor is descended from the god of thunder.’
There’s also Thor the Conqueror, an Italian sword and sandal film that draws more on Conan the Barbarian,
opening with the birth of the hero.
That moment you realise you picked the wrong doula.
Thor’s life gets off to a rocky start.
Born behind a bush, and then...
Amazingly that doesn’t kill him but his parents are attacked.
Oh no, mimes.
And killed.
Thor himself is cared for by Etna the owl man.
‘Thus did I save the infant Thor for Newt the archer and this was a source of great annoyance to him.’
Occasional magician and serial narrator,
'And here is is Thor, the man who is destined to become the great chief of all.'
even when he’s on screen.
‘I taught Thor combat and to follow the path of right’
Yep, taught him everything I know.
‘The only thing I have not taught him is my magic’
but that’s it. No other gaps in his education.
‘What’s that?’
‘A female’
‘A female, what’s a female?’
Thor rescues the female and Etna’s lessons continue.
‘No Thor, she’s not something to eat.’
That’s much too advanced.
‘Make her lie down and play with her. What else is she good for?’
Etna may not be the best person to give these lessons.
‘The female is stupid, have your way with her. Take her, she's yours.’
Possibly the worst.
‘The female has to obey her master, it is proven, she must fulfil you and bear the fruit that is called children’
This explains a lot of Thor’s later behaviour,
but the girl seems more or less on board as they get down to business.
Uh… are you planning to stay and watch?
Winning the Dark Corners American Pie Award for perving on your friends.
#aroused voyeuristic giggle.#
Now he’s officially a man, it’s time for Thor to fulfil his destiny without the help of Etna.
‘I shall watch over you’
Yeah, I noticed.
Now on his own, Thor is plagued by weird noises.
#wierd noise#
Which play no further role.
He fights with a monster,
which plays no further role.
He is haunted by muppets.
And a biology lab skeleton.
I mean he’s cracking through the mystical encounters but at some point will any of them have some bearing on the plot?
‘The warrior virgins?’
'They are here.'
Ah yes, the wicker virgins.
After a classic ‘everyone take turns to attack’ fight,
Thor runs off.
He kills two of the girls, but the third...
Hey, without that wastepaper basket on your head, you’re alright.
Okay, the first girl seemed to come around but this is definitely not cool and Etna is still watching.
Thor takes the girl Eena along as something to do on the journey.
‘In the world of the man you will live. Thor! Remember that’
Hard to get past the impression that Thor is a dick.
‘All this land belongs to its conqueror. To Thor, your king.’
In what possible sense are you its conqueror?
Thor surveys his kingdom.
Thor the useless.
Now, by rights, that would be the end of Thor,
‘What are you waiting for? Aren’t you going to kill me?’
but for reasons passing understanding Eena has decided to support him.
Which is ironic given that, in that costume department. She’s the one lacking support.
By lucky happenstance they also find...
‘The golden seed of life’
Oh, don’t put it there, people have to eat that.
Now that Eena’s Stockholm syndrome has made her accept Thor, I think we all know what happens next.
Get your popcorn Etna.
‘Thus invicible Thor succumbs to Eena, to the pleasures of connubial bliss’
Dude, can stop narrating while I’m on the job!
Next, Thor and Eena stop to buy food.
My girlfriend’s paying,
and when the farmer stiffs them.
'Arrrrgh!'
'Arghh!'
There’s a lot of shouting in this film.
#Series of War Cries, each more the same than the last#
After a busy week in which he has successfully conquered three virgins and a small farm,
Thor hangs up his conquering boots and settles down with Eena.
Can we not get five minutes of privacy!
But then a local village invites him around.
‘And I Onid proclaim from this day onwards, you are chief of chiefs.’
Why?
‘Hungry tribes will come to raid our village and take what we have,
'a little I am willing to share, only a little, not all.’
‘No! We will give them nothing!’
Thor’s next quest will be against the starving!
But first…
‘Kurvassa is the first virgin since the rising of the new moon to reach the dawn of womanhood.
'She must warm the bed of the chief’
The now pregnant Eena continuing to be the most understanding woman in prehistory.
'So it is and shall be, till time ends.'
Oh for the love of… Etna, seek help.
But now there are actual bad guys approaching.
‘Many warriors coming’
Not that many.
It’s the return of the mimes and the village fights back.
Try to avoid swordfights during your 3rd trimester.
but with Thor to defend the village…
Wow, actual adversity as Thor is blinded.
fortunatly Etna is there to guide him... off a cliff.
'Haha dumb ass.'
Which he swiftly cures with snake venom and moss.
Before getting some help from Etna.
‘Centuries from now he will be called a horse.’
This is before the invention of the horse.
‘He was riding on a strange beast. It was as big as a hut’ Depending on the size of the hut.
Depending on the size of the hut.
But why this gift?
‘A horse adds to your force’
But no one can talk to a horse of course.
And you’ll be surprised to see the difference it makes as the entire mime army flees without a single blow struck,
all except Gnut, who killed Thor’s father.
Missed.
Back in a minute.
Sorry. Still getting the hang of this thing.
Okay, I’m coming back.
There, that’ll do.
I was hoping this would end with Eena killing Thor, saying...
‘That’s for killing my friends, enslaving me, stealing my money then cheating on me after I saved your life’.
Then killing Etna while saying ‘And that’s for watching him do it.’
‘Now the long journey is almost over.’
Doesn’t end like that, but I can dream.
Thanks for watching. To see more Sword and Sandal reviews click here.
Superhero or warrior Thor has had a film career most gods don’t get,
what other mythological figures deserve a broader cinema career?
Let is know in the comments below.
'You wait here.'