[APPLAUSE]
MINDY KALING: Thank you, Connie.
Good afternoon, everybody.
Graduates, parents, faculty, this
is really such a remarkable day--
obviously for you, but also for me.
Because after spending a life obsessing over True Crime,
the impossible happened.
I was asked to speak at the Harvard Law Commencement
and accept an honorary legal degree.
Yes, isn't that the American dream?
Me, Mindy Kaling, daughter of immigrant--
ERIC JORDAN: So there's no actual-- you're not
getting a-- just not happening.
MINDY KALING: I'm not?
OK.
[LAUGHTER]
OK.
So apparently, there is a little miscommunication.
I am no longer Mindy Kaling, Esquire, Attorney
at Law, Comedian, Actress.
I'm just-- that's cool.
No, I'm just supposed to stand up here and give funny remarks.
And then I'm supposed to sit down.
That's OK.
That doesn't seem fair.
But that's OK.
I'll do that.
I know what you're probably thinking.
Mindy Kaling-- why did they ask her?
She's just a pretty Hollywood starlet.
What does that quadruple threat know about the law?
Sure, she seems really down to earth, and pretty in,
like, a totally accessible way.
And yeah, she was on People magazine's most beautiful
people list this year and also in 2008.
But what intelligent remarks could she possibly
make about the law?
She's probably too busy doing shampoo commercials.
But I'm not too busy.
In fact, I would kill to do a shampoo commercial.
So if anyone from L'Oreal is out there,
please just Snapchat me after this.
But I'll have you know, I do know a ton about the law.
Because I sue everybody.
[LAUGHTER]
And excuse me, there is a burger named after me at Bartley's.
And they have guaranteed me that is
going to be there until another tertiary member of the cast
of The Office gets their own TV show.
And they don't just name burgers after anyone there.
Noted chef Guy Fieri has one.
Noted drunk driver Justin Bieber has one.
[LAUGHTER]
OK?
So that's pretty good company.
Thank you.
Look, I get it.
On the surface, it would appear that I
am an unconventional choice to speak here today.
To be honest, I don't know much about the law.
I graduated in 2001 from Dartmouth College--
AUDIENCE: Woo!
MINDY KALING: Thank you.
That man is drunk.
[LAUGHTER]
--an academic institution located in lawless, rural New
Hampshire, where, when you arrive,
you are given a flask of moonshine
and a box of fireworks.
And you are told simply to, quote, "go to town."
[LAUGHTER]
Except there is no town.
There is only a forest and a row a fraternity houses
that smell like urine.
[LAUGHTER]
Actually, little know fact-- Dartmouth has a law school.
It's just one semester.
And its coursework is entirely centered on how to beat a DUI.
[LAUGHTER]
But I am not here to extol the virtues of the Dartmouth Red
Bull School of Law.
I'm here to talk to you.
So even though I have no idea why
I was asked to speak here today, I prepared this speech
very carefully, the way that any good
Dartmouth-educated graduate would.
I drank a 40 of Jagermeister.
Then I called my dad to see if he would get me out of it.
He's here today.
He could not get me out of it.
So I tried to hire a college freshman
to write it for me in exchange for a $200 gift
card to Newbury Comics.
That didn't work out.
Finally, seeing that I absolutely had to do this
and couldn't get out of it, rolled up my sleeves,
sat down at my computer, and tried
to buy a commencement address off
of movingcommencementspeeches.com.
My credit card was declined.
So I had to write the thing myself.
And here we are today.
There are many, many distinguished speakers
who have spoken here today.
I am sharing the stage with Preet Bharara, US Attorney
for the Southern District of New York.
We've heard what a great guy he is.
In 2012, he was named by Time magazine
as one of the 100 most influential people
in the world, which apparently, they're just giving out.
[LAUGHTER]
According to Time, he has battled terrorism,
as evidenced by his conviction of the Times Square Bomber.
He's crippled international arms dealers, drug traffickers,
and Dublin financial fraud.
Clearly, Harvard wanted you to see
the full range of what India can produce here.
[LAUGHTER]
Mr. Bharara fights finance criminals and terrorism.
I meet handsome men in cute and unusual ways on television.
And next season, my character might get a pet puppy.
So is one more important than the other?
Who can say.
[LAUGHTER]
Dean Martha Minow is here.
She has fought for women, families, refugees
and is a champion for education.
She has published over 15 books, such as Not Only for Myself--
Identity, Politics, and Law.
Dean Minow and I have a lot in common.
I, too, wrote a book, as you know.
It was called Is Everyone Hanging Out Here Without Me?
You can buy it right around the corner at Urban Outfitters,
next to a book called The Marijuana Chef's Cookbook.
[LAUGHTER]
So I digress right now.
What I really wanted to say is that I am extremely honored
to be with such a spectacular gathering of very
smart and dedicated people.
This graduating class has three Rhodes Scholars, 11 Fulbright
Scholars, and four members of the Peace Corps.
This group before me is bristling
with ambitious young people, many of whom
have already started charities and
philanthropic organizations.
And now, with this diploma in hand, most of you
will go on to the noblest of pursuits--
like helping a cable company acquire a telecom company.
[LAUGHTER]
You will defend BP from birds.
[LAUGHTER]
You will spend hours arguing that the well water was
contaminated well before the fracking occurred.
[LAUGHTER]
One of you will sort out the details of my prenup.
A dozen of you will help me with my acrimonious divorce.
And one of you will fall in love in the process.
I'm talking to you, Noah Feldman.
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS]
And let's be honest, Harvard Law is the best
of the Harvard graduate programs.
OK, I can say this.
We're amongst friends, OK.
The Business School is full of crooks.
The Divinity School is just a bunch of weird virgins.
[LAUGHTER]
The School of Design is like European burnouts.
And don't get me started on the Kennedy School.
What kind of degree do you get from there-- public policy?
OK, right.
You mean a master's in boring me to death at a dinner party.
I'm sorry.
Let's just be honest.
The Med School is just a bunch of nerdy Indians.
I can say that, by the way.
Hey, hey, I can-- Preet can say that.
The rest of you-- you are out of line.
That is racial.
How dare you?
[LAUGHTER]
But I digress, again.
I think I'm just really excited to be here.
The real reason I am here is, as Connie said,
I am obsessed with justice-- not so much with the law,
but with justice.
Actually, in my mind, law is that pesky thing
that often gets in the way of justice.
I believe in the Clint Eastwood school of the law.
An eye for an eye?
I don't think so.
That solves nothing.
You take my eye, I take your life, my friend--
[LAUGHTER]
--OK, in a dual, Aaron Burr style.
I don't want your stupid eye.
For what, my eye collection?
You're dead.
[LAUGHTER]
Yes, duels are the first thing that you
learn when you enter my graduate program, the Harvard
School of Vengeance.
But again, that is not what I came here to talk to you about.
That's for the reception after.
We can talk about that more.
The Harvard Law School crest, which
you can see in front of you, has the word
"veritas," which means "truth" in Latin.
I know this because though I have
been known as Mindy my whole life,
my first name is actually Vera, which also means "truth."
It's true.
It's actually too boring to make that fact up.
And if you look at the crest, you'll
notice that under this hallowed word,
there are three bunches of asparagus.
[LAUGHTER]
Because asparagus is the tallest and the proudest
of the vegetables-- the pillar of the vegetable kingdom.
And it's-- it's like the Lat--
OK that is not asparagus.
That is-- that is wheat, which makes also
not a ton of sense, either.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, well that was like three pages of my speech.
[LAUGHTER]
Nope-- OK, that was-- that's a call back to asparagus.
I have this really funny run about Hollandaise.
You'll never get to hear that.
You know, this isn't going anywhere.
I'm going to move past trying to make sense
of your crest, which makes no sense.
Harvard Law has an incredible number of illustrious alumni.
President Barack Obama attended Harvard Law-- or so he says.
Elle Woods went here, from the trenchant documentary,
Legally Blonde.
[LAUGHTER]
It's a very moving film.
Dean Minow, you should check it out
after you read my book, actually.
Six of the nine Supreme Court Justices
are graduates of Harvard Law.
The other three, I don't know where they went.
I think it was, like, University of Phoenix.
I'm not sure.
[LAUGHTER]
No, no, no.
As we all know, they attended your friendly rival,
Yale Law School.
OK, let's just-- can we take a moment
to talk about this rivalry, everybody?
I know that you have a chip on your shoulder.
OK?
Yale Law is always number one.
And you are always number two.
Sometimes Stanford comes in there,
bumps you down to number three.
But listen.
Let me tell you something.
From where I stand from an outsider's perspective,
here's the truth: you are all nerds.
[LAUGHTER]
OK?
All of you.
Except here's the difference.
The only difference is that you are
the nerds that are going to make some serious bank, all right?
Which is why I'm here today--
[LAUGHTER]
--to marry the best-looking amongst you.
[LAUGHTER]
And back to this beautiful diploma-- this Harvard Law
degree.
It's not just a piece of paper.
You can do whatever you want now,
and this institution will follow you everywhere.
OK?
If you kill someone, you are the "Harvard Law Murderer."
[LAUGHTER]
If you are caught in a lewd act in a public restroom,
you're the "Harvard Law Pervert," my friend.
[LAUGHTER]
And then you can represent yourself.
And you'll probably get acquitted.
Because you went to Harvard.
In fact, the only downside of this degree
is when you run for Senate, you will
have to distance yourself from it
to seem more like a regular person.
You'll tuck in your flannel shirts
into your freshly pressed jeans that you just bought.
And still, this institution is going to haunt you.
No matter how many diners you eat at,
no matter how many guitar solos you do with Rascal Flatts,
you are Harvard to the grave.
You won't be able to buy a pickup truck rusty enough
to distance yourself from this place, all right?
Mitt Romney-- he preferred to be known as the Mormon Guy
to distract himself from his Harvard past.
Now I'd like to get a little serious for just a moment.
I am an American of Indian origin
whose parents were raised in India.
My dad is actually here.
They met in Africa, emigrated to America.
And now I am the star and the creator
of my own network television program.
The continents traveled, the languages mastered,
and the standardized tests prepared and taken
for over and over again, and the cultures navigated
are amazing, even to me.
My family's dream about a future unfettered by limitations
imposed by who you know and dependent only on what you know
was only possible in America.
Their romance with this country is
more romantic than any romantic comedy that I could ever write.
And it's all because they believed, as I do,
in the concept of the inherent fairness that
is alive in America and that here, you
could aspire and succeed.
And my parents believed that their children
could aspire and succeed to levels that could not
have happened anywhere else in the world.
And that fairness that my family and I
have come to take for granted-- and all Americans
take for granted-- is, in many ways,
resting on your shoulders to uphold.
You represent those who will make laws and effect change.
And that is truly an amazing thing.
And more than any of the others graduating this week
from Harvard, what you decide to do in the next 5 to 10 years
will affect the rights of people in this country
in a fundamental way.
I'm now at the part of my speech where
I am supposed to give you advice.
And I thought, what advice could I give you guys?
Celebrities give too much device.
And people listen to it too much.
In Hollywood, we all think that we
are these wise advice-givers.
And most of us have no education whatsoever.
Actresses can become nutritionists,
experts in baby care and environmental policy.
Actors can become governors, pundits, or even high-ranking
officials in religions made up a mere 60 years ago. [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
For two years, I have played an obstetrician and gynecologist
on TV, and damned if I don't think I can deliver a baby.
So then I was thinking, well then,
who should be giving advice?
And the answer is people like you.
You're better educated.
And you're going to go out there in the world,
and people are going to listen to what you say,
whether you're good or evil.
And that probably scares you.
Because some of you look really young.
[LAUGHTER]
And I'm afraid a couple of you are probably evil.
That's just the odds.
[LAUGHTER]
And to be honest, it scares me.
Because you look like a bunch of tweens.
I mean, this is ridiculous.
Look at these kids in these suits.
So please, just try to be the kind of people that give advice
to celebrities, not the other way around.
You are entering a profession where,
no matter how bad the crime or the criminal,
you have to defend the alleged perpetrator.
That's incredible to me.
Across the campus, Harvard Business School graduates
are receiving diplomas.
And you will need to defend them for insider trading,
or possession of narcotics, or maybe both
if Wolf of Wall Street is to believed.
And the thing I find most fascinating
is that you are responsible for the language of justice,
for the careful and precise wording,
and all those boring contracts that I
sign while I watch Real Housewives.
You wrote the terms and conditions
that I scroll through quickly while I
download the update for Candy Crush.
Terms and conditions are the only things
keeping us from the purge, everybody.
I don't read them.
I just hit Accept.
iTunes may own my ovaries, for all I know.
[LAUGHTER]
"Employees must wash their hands before returning to work."
A lawyer wrote that.
"You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you
in a court of law."
A lawyer wrote that.
"Mindy Kaling may not come within 1,000 feet
of Professor Noah Feldman."
A lawyer wrote that.
[LAUGHTER]
These are protections that we take for granted.
Your dedication to meticulous reading
is a tedium that I find just so admirable.
You take words, and you turn them
into the infrastructure that keeps our world stable.
The seductive Southern lawyers in John Grisham novels
get all the glory-- your Noah Feldmans of the world.
But the rest of you, you form the foundation
of our day-to-day lives.
It's back-breaking.
And often, there's not much glory in it.
And in that way, a lot of you will
become the quiet heroes of our country.
However, those of you who go on to work
for Big Pharma and Philip Morris,
you will be the loud anti-heroes.
And someone is certain to make an AMC series glamorizing you.
So congratulations.
[LAUGHTER]
But basically, either way, you can't go wrong.
I look at all of you and see America's futures--
attorneys, corporate lawyers, public prosecutors, judges,
politicians, maybe even the President of the United States.
Those are all positions of such great influence.
Understand that one day, you will
have the power to make a difference.
So use it well.
Thank you, graduates.
Thank you faculty, parents, professors, families, everyone.
Thank you.
Thank you, movingcommencementspeeches.com.
Congratulations.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]