Internet retail giant Amazon just
spat in the eye of America.
[SPITS] Just like that.
Disgusting.
How did they so vilely denigrate freedom?
[EAGLE SQUEE] Shh.
I know, beautiful baby eagle.
I know.
Well, in honor of their 20th anniversary,
Amazon just announced Prime Day, a day of sales
that they claim will have more deals available
than black Friday, our most American holiday.
Yes, more than Independence Day, Flag Day, Memorial Day,
Labor Day. [EAGLE CHIRPS]
Right, or Thanksgiving.
Because what's more American than eating your Thanksgiving
dinner in a tent outside of Best Buy
so that you can be the first in the door the next morning
at 5:00 AM?
Also that you can buy a flat screen
for $10, a kiss, and a smile.
Nothing.
That's what.
[EAGLE SQUEE] God, I love you.
The event will take place on July 15
starting at midnight, at which point
new deals will appear on the site every 10 minutes
for 24 hours straight.
But here's the rub folks.
The event is only available to Amazon Prime subscribers.
So wait a second Amazon.
You're telling me that I have to pay you $99 for a one year
subscription just to get an invite to your birthday party.
How do you feel about that?
[EAGLE CHIRPS] So rude, I know.
I'm not buying them a gift.
[EAGLE SQUEE] You're right.
I shouldn't stoop to their level.
I'm sorry I spat on you.
[EAGLE CHIRPS]
What do you mean you liked it?
[EAGLE CHIRPS] Oh, our most American symbol
is into humiliation play I guess.
OK.
Look, Amazon, happy 20th birthday.
The fact that you're 20 only makes
me want to die inside just a little bit.
And as a Prime subscriber, I'm sure I'll stop by and browse
them deals, but couldn't you at least give me
some idea of what to expect or when to show up for the deals
that I like?
Only the most desperate can handle sitting there all day,
and I have an eagle to take care of. [EAGLE SQUEE]
I'll feed you in a second, eagle.
Hold on. [EAGLE CHIRPS] Now I want to hear from you.
Will you be shopping on Prime Day?
Let us know down in the comments below.
And hey, if you haven't checked it out yet,
go check out the brand new revamped forhumanpeoples.com
where we have the finest in pop culture t-shirts, hoodies,
phone cases, everything with more things getting
added all the time.
So if you haven't checked it out,
go to forhumanpeoples.com today.
[EAGLE SQUEE] Yes, they'll be able to buy a Thaddeus J
Spider, eagle.
God.
Also, if you want a lovely design featuring me
and baby eagle having an venture,
you should write to For Human Peoples on Twitter.
Because I want that to happen.
Let me know.
Lieberman.
Give me the drive, Reina.
Those awesome new apparel designs belong to the people.
Never.
So truthfully, would you have sex with me?
I don't blame Will for doing it as well.
It's a hot style.