Well, it's Halloween and I gotta go babysit.
Yeah, of all things I gotta go watch some little shitheads for the night.
But for the meantime I'll show you a perfect example of a great movie turned into a real shit bomb.
The first thing that bothers me is the actual manual.
"Halloween. Halloween."
Just in case we didn't see it the first time. Then it says:
"A homicidal maniac has escaped from a mental institution."
You mean Michael Myers?
"You control the babysitter character"
You mean Laurie Strode?
Guess they had some sort of copyright problem.
Now, Exhibit B:
What is this? Is this a bootleg? You'd think, right? But no, this is the real game.
They actually sold this. Now, not every cartridge of Halloween was like this,
but as Wizard Video Games was liquidating their inventory, they started doing this to minimize costs.
Have you ever heard of a video game company that was cheap enough to just use a marker and write the name of the game on it?
At least it's orange to kind of keep with the Halloween theme. Pop this fucker in, you start it up, and there you go.
That's Halloween on the Atari 2600. You play as the babysitter, which we already established. We assume it's Laurie Strode;
(That's Jamie Lee curtis from the movie)
But whatever. All we know is that you're trying to get away from Michael Myers and save all these kids that you're babysitting.
Coming off of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre game you might be pretty disappointed
that you don't play as the killer this time- And that only makes the game even more boring.
As far as the graphics go, it's pretty fair for 1983.
But what kind of house is this where you're babysitting?
There's no furniture whatsoever, the carpet is puke green and shit brown,
the walls go from blue to hot pink, purple, green and peach.
Who the fuck decorated this place?
Some retarded Atari rejects?
So the idea of the game is that you're running around through this house,
babysitting an infinite number of kids,
And every now and then Michael Myers comes out jabbing his knife in a sort of robotic kind of way.
Like in the movies, he's real slow, so if you use any common sense you're not gonna get killed.
But, he can also kill the kids. If he kills you, you lose a life
indicated by the Jack-o'-Lanterns on top of the screen. And if he kills the kids, nothing really seems to happen.
But the goal is to get the kids and lead them to either corner of this house, whether it's the far left or the far right.
Now, I don't know how the hell these rooms are supposed to be safe.
It's not like you lock them in. There isn't even a door, so I guess Michael Myers just doesn't like to go in those last rooms.
And each time you deliver a kid you get 675 points.
Why that number? I don't know.
Now, I didn't really count, but there's something like eight rooms; and you can also go on the top floor
but apparently this floor has really bad electrical problems because
It keeps going dark, which is really fucking annoying.
Hate this shit.
You know, all these colored rooms kind of remind me of a Poe story: [The] Masque of the Red Death.
But anyway, you're just grabbing kids, bringing them to the rooms, and you can find this black sword or something
I don't know. Maybe it's like a nightstick or a billy club
I'd suggest that it's a knife, but it's almost as big as your body,
so your guess is as good as mine. It could be a big black dildo for all I care.
So anyway, you grab this thing which magically turns into a tiny green thing.
Why the hell does it completely change in shape and color when you're holding it?
But moving on; Michael Myers shows up and you can attack him with it, or just hold it out
and he'll walk into it on his own, then he runs away and I'm just chasing him because I feel like it.
You know... I just realized she's actually taller than him. And if you count that red blob of a skirt she's wider too.
That's a real threatening killer.
So of course I got to mention the Halloween music that plays every time when Michael Myers is on the screen.
It's cool to hear it the first time in all its Atari glory,
but can't it fucking stop after a while? It's like, piercing your brain.
So that's about it. All I got left to show you is what happens when you die. It's fucking hilarious.
Your head disappears and you run around spurting pixelated blood out your neck.
What you're looking at might be the first head decapitation ever in a video game.
It's by far the most amusing part of the game, and after only a few minutes, you'll find yourself doing this deliberately.
Come on, kill the kid, kill the kid.
Yeeaahh.
Get 'em, get 'em. There you go. Alright now get me, get me.
All right now. That's enough. You know,
It's all coming back to me now.
I remember once long ago, I had this game in my possession.
I just remember seeing this blank cartridge for a pale, emotionless game, with the dullest graphics,
the most awful gameplay.
I spent eight years trying to figure it out, and another seven trying to keep it locked in my closet because
I realized what was living behind that game...
...was simply evil.
[Knocking]
-Trick or treat!
-Oh, oh you want some trick or treat? Okay, Here's some trick or treat for ya.
-Ewwww!
-There you go you little fuckers. There's some chocolate for you.
-That's not chocolate, that's poop.
-It's not chocolate, nor is it poop. It's shit.
[Muffled complaints at the door]
Hey, wait. I got something for you too. A shitty game!
-What the heck is this?
-It's an Atari game.
-What the heck is an Atari, you dope?
-You don't know what Atari is? Oh, okay hang on a second.
First you poo in my bag then you don't give me any candy
There you go! Have fun.
-Hey, you dope. I want some candy.
Well, now that I got that piece of shit off my hands,
how about we check out a couple more?
I mean I got a little extra time before I gotta go babysit- and after all, it is Halloween
So how about a bonus?
BOO!
"Haunted House"
Well... It's pretty scary.
Yeah, what the fuck is this shit? I'm a pair of eyes going around. Oh, God.
Boom!
Well anyway, I'm guessing that you're not really a pair of eyes
but it's just common fact that in the dark the only thing you can see are someone's eyes...
Wait a minute. It's Meatwad. Yeah, it's fucking Meatwad!
Now, I believe you're supposed to be lighting a match here,
but this aura of light that surrounds you makes me imagine it as some sort of body attached to these eyeballs.
Now while this match doesn't help to see the rest of your body,
(whatever it's actually supposed to look like), it actually helps you find items, and the goal is to collect pieces of an urn.
[Spooky music]
Ooh, so now it's the Twilight Zone.
Well, you go around watching out for ghosts, bats and spiders. It couldn't possibly be any more cliche.
Ooh! Blown up by the ghost. As the level progresses, you can't see the walls. The game's gotten even darker.
That's right, It's gotten darker than dark.
Graphics were pretty boring beforehand, but now there's hardly a damn thing on the screen but black.
Gee, this is fun...
Well, we might have time for one more. let's see...
(eerie music)
How about Frankenstein's Monster?
"It's alive, it's alive!"
How about "It's ass, it's ass!"
Actually, it's pretty stunning. I mean, as far as graphics go,
there's a lot going on. The platforms sort of have a gradient shadow effect
and it's just got a really busy environment for an Atari game, and especially after looking at Haunted House.
Well, that's the Frankenstein Monster.
Why is he white? Well, with every bolt of lightning he becomes more and more green, and when he's all green he comes alive.
Whether he comes alive or you die, that's when the game ends. Now, your only enemies seem to be this little blue ghost and spiders.
And I'm fine with that, I guess. I don't really expect much
But who the hell are you supposed to be? Just this regular guy in a baseball cap?
Well anyway,
nothing in this game seems to kill you except for the water. You fall in the water, you die. You get touched by anything else,
it just freezes you for a second. So the goal is to keep collecting these blocks to build a wall and trap the monster.
So you get the block, then you go back up where you start and then-
Oh, fuck. What the shit is this? Look at all these God damn bats.
What the hell is going on? Never have I had to dodge such a relentless onslaught of vampire bats, have mercy.
So, then you just keep going back and forth getting that block over and over again.
Now one thing that kind of bothers me is this area up to the left. You can't even go there!
You can't pass through this green shit,
and you might think you can exit one side of the screen and come out the other like in many games,
but no, that doesn't happen here. So this spot, as far as I know, is just a waste.
But the worst thing is the jump precision.
Here we go, jump. Alright. Now jump!
Aww, fuck!
Oh God!
Well... Now that's my cue to get the fuck out of here, and go babysit.
Alright, little bastards...
Oh, no...
-Look, it's the Poopyman!
-Nah, nah. The Poopyman is more like the Boogeyman.
And he's gonna getcha if you don't turn off this game!
-Play the game.
-No, I played the game enough tonight.
-Play the game! Play the game! Play the game!
-Alright, I'll play the game!
-[In unison] ♫ You suck, you suck, and you smell like poop ♫
♫ You stink, you stink ♫
[Giggling]
♫ You suck, you suck ♫
[Continued taunting and giggling]
-SHUT UP!
-[Boys screaming in unison]
-Alright, stop. It's okay, it's okay. Do you have a basement?
-Yeah.
-Do you have a circuit breaker?
-Yeah.
-Okay, alright then.
[Suspenseful music]
Use these, Nerd.
[♫]
[Inaudible]
Was that the Poopyman?
-Yeah. I think it was.
[Suspenseful music]
Hey, call the police. Tell the sheriff he's on the loose!
-Is this some kind of a joke?
I've been trick-or-treated like shit tonight!
-You don't know what shit IS!