How often should you be contacting your ex after no contact? That's what we're going
to be talking about in this video. But first my name is Clay with ModernLove.Life, where
we help you get the great loving relationship that you're looking for without having to
play hard to get, without having to play mind games and without having to pretend to be
someone or something that you are not because you deserve to be loved for the unique, amazing,
and wonderful person that you are.
And if you agree with me, do me a favor by hitting that thumbs up button for the YouTube
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help other people out there who might not know how often they should be contacting their
ex. So help someone else out, if you find this video helpful by hitting that thumbs
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Also, I did want to let you know that we do have a course called the Ex Solution Program
that walks you through the process of connecting with your ex on an emotional level, which
is what we're going to be talking about in this video. You can find out more info on
that down in the description box below. But you know I'm not going to twist your arm on
it, if it's right for you, cool, if it's not right for you, that's totally all right as
well too.
Okay. So I know that there are a lot of people out there that you might also be watching
on YouTube that could be telling you some very strict, rigid rules. Like you must absolutely
always 100% of the time do no contact, and it must be for this specific amount of time,
30 days. And then afterwards you want to do this and then only contact your ex this number
of times or this frequency, because doing anything different is going to make you look
desperate and needy or something like that.
Right? And if you've watched any other of my videos, because you have subscribed to
the channel, you should probably know that that is not what I would recommend. I don't
like these arbitrary rigid rules because they basically amount to turning your brain off
and just blindly following some arbitrary plan. Right?
And that's not what I want you to do. I want you to be in control of your relationship
and be able to consciously choose what to do every step of the way. My hope is that
having gone through these videos that I make, maybe some of our courses or getting coaching
or something like that, that you are able to actually be in charge of your own relationship
and that you don't always need someone like me to say, "Hey, what do I do next? Hey, what
should I do next?" Right?
Maybe that would be good for business, if I had you constantly dependent on me or something,
but I don't think it's going to help you have a great relationship. I want you to be able
to feel into the situation and know what the right thing is. So with that being said, I
don't want you to just kind of turn your brain off and robo text your ex once a week or something
like that.
That might work for some people that might not work for other people. So you don't just
kind of check out and just say, "Okay, I'm just going to robotically text my ex every
three days or once a week, or I'm just going to sit in the corner and pout and wait for
them to crawl over broken shards of glass to get in contact with me." Again, these things
can work for some people some of the time, but they don't work for all people all of
the time, so I don't think that it makes sense for anyone to just be making broad statements
like that.
What does work though is to realize that, okay ... Generally speaking, you can contact
your ex as much as you want to as long as the interactions are bringing the two of you
closer together and feel good on an emotional level. If they ever start to not feel good
and they ever start to actually push the two of you away from one another, then it means
that something's not working, and we should probably stop contacting them so that we stop
ourselves from doing further damage to whatever isn't working. And we could take a pause and
we re-evaluate what we need to do moving forward.
Okay. Maybe that means some kind of no contact thing, maybe that means just chilling out
for a day or two. I don't know, but we want to kind of feel into the situation and know
what the right thing to do is. Also, another concern when somebody is kind of confused
about how often they should contact their ex or not, is that it's a bit symptomatic
to me of the fact that them and their ex are not on the same team. Okay. Now what do I
mean by that?
Now obviously, if you and your ex are on different teams that can show up as really hostile sorts
of interactions, where they hate your guts, they are shooting eye daggers at you, they
are talking very poorly about you, that's a very obvious example of the two of you being
on different teams. But there's also a very subtle way that people are expressing being
on different teams.
It includes things like thinking that your ex is like this person over there that you
have to calculate how they're going to respond to things. You have to calculate what they're
going to say or what they're going to do next. You have to walk on eggshells around them.
You have to try to read their mind or something like that. Then instead of just saying like,
"Hey, can I have a little bit of space?" You feel like you have to just not tell them and
then just create distance or something like that.
These are kind of symptoms that maybe you and your ex aren't on the same team, or at
least that they might not see you as being on the same team as them. Or maybe you don't
see them as being on the same team as you. And so what we do want to do in maybe sort
of a broader sense is actually bring the two of you onto the same team, so that you can
just do things that are stupid, easy. Like, "Hey, am I contacting you too much? If so,
let me know. I'm totally okay to give you space. But just let me know so that I know
what to expect moving forward."
And that's the easiest possible thing. Maybe it doesn't occur to a lot of people because
they're so kind of stuck in the dynamic of being on different teams, on being on opposing
teams that they think that they have to like anticipate what their ex is going to do, where
they have to drop hints and hope that their ex takes the hint. Because for so many it
just doesn't occur to them to actually just directly say, "Hey, I think I need a little
bit of space, don't take it the wrong way, it's just about me, or maybe it is about you."
And "Hey, I need a little bit of space, the last interaction we had was a bit intense
or whatever."
But what I want you to do in a bigger picture sense is to actually have a conversation with
them where two of you actually can get on the same team. And that's what we call the
same team conversation. I know, I'm incredibly original with these titles, but that's what
we would call the same team conversation. So how you set that up is, you get in contact
with them.
Go through build rapport, deepen from surface level to emotional connection. Do some reload
and relate cycles, by the way, if you don't know what I'm talking about, when it comes
to all of that stuff, go ahead and check out this playlist over here on advanced relational
skills, it goes into what we call advanced relational skills, which are about how to
connect on an emotional level, how to develop more of an emotional connection with your
ex or really anyone.
But it works pretty well with people's exes. So go ahead and check that out if you need
to, but through doing that, you'll probably end up getting into rapport. And then what
you want to do is you want to say, "Hey, while we're talking like this, there's something
I want to make sure that we're both in agreement on. And that's that, I know that it can be
kind of confusing, maybe how we fit into each other's lives right now that we're broken
up. I mean, I still care for you, but clearly we're not in a relationship. And I could understand
if you felt confused from time to time too. So rather than having to just be confused
alone. Me being confused on my own and you being confused on your own, why don't we just
kind of talk to each other, agree that we're on the same team.
And if things ever start to seem too weird, or if we start to get in over our heads, or
if things start to move too fast or something, or if you ever start to feel uncomfortable,
or if I ever start to feel uncomfortable, just tap me on the shoulder and let me know,
and we'll find out something that works for us. Rather than us having to create this distance
and hope that the other person picks up the hint or me trying to read your mind, or you're
trying to read my mind or something like that. Let's just be on the same team. Is that something
that you can agree to?"
And once you have that agreement in place, you can actually start to anchor back to it
and reference back to it and say, "Hey, remember that time that we had that conversation about
being on the same team? Well, it seems like you're kind of pulling away right now, is
it that you just need some space? Is being in contact with me too much pressure too stressful
for you. If so, just let me know if it's something else, if maybe you're just busy with work
or whatever, then that's totally all right, too. But just let me know so that I know what
to expect."
And then boom, simple as that. Or maybe because you've had that same team conversation, they
come to you and they say, "Hey, don't take it the wrong way, but I just need a little
bit of space right now." Or once again, like I said before, maybe it is because of you.
"Hey, actually, because of that last interaction we had`, it was really intense. I just need
some space right now to process it."
And that way you know, that what they know, and there's less of the mind reading that
needs to happen. And the two of you were able to communicate them a lot more clearly and
you don't have to ask yourself, how often do I need to text my ex or how often should
I be contacting my ex? How much is too much, how much is too little? Because you can just
bring them into the fold. And the two of you can just be partners in terms of not necessarily
romantic partners, although it might get there, but partners in terms of creating a dynamic
that works for the two of you.
And so that's really what I'd recommend that you do in the longer term sort of way. After
you build up that positive interaction, deep into the emotional level, create that sense
of rapport. Like when we talk about in ESP Ex Solution Program. By the way, if you do
want to learn more about that, we have links for that in the description box below, check
it out.
If you want to learn more about these advanced relational skills, more about developing rapport,
emotional connection, and all of that stuff, if it's right for you, cool. If it's not right
for you, no worries. But anyway, hope that helps you out. Thank you so much for watching
this video. If you like what we're doing here, please hit that thumbs up button, it does
help us out and subscribe to the channel as well, too, so that you can get notifications
and updates when we upload and post new videos.
Thank you so much. If you do want to learn more about those advanced relational skills,
we have this video playlist right here, or you might want to check out this video over
here. Hope you have a great day and thank you so much for watching.