-Welcome back, everybody. Today is Friday,
and that's usually when I catch up with some personal stuff.
I check my inbox, return some emails,
and of course send out thank you notes.
And I was running a bit behind today,
so I thought, if you guys wouldn't mind,
I'd like to write up my weekly thank you notes right now.
Is that cool with you? [ Cheers and applause ]
Appreciate it, thank you.
James, can I get some thank-you-note
writing music, please?
[ Laughter ]
-There's a few beans in his cabinet.
-Wow. [ Light laughter ]
-Thank you, Mother's Day, for being that special
time of year where kids force their moms
to eat a mediocre breakfast in an uncomfortable position.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you.
-Oh, I spilled it.
-[ Chuckles ]
♪♪
Thank you, photo of Joe and Jill Biden
visiting former President Carter and his wife,
for looking like a still from the upcoming movie
"Honey, I Shrunk the Carters."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-This is good.
-Thank you, first week of May, for flying by so quickly.
I mean, before you know it...
-♪ It's gonna be... ♪ -June.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Do you know this song?
[ Laughter ]
Thank you, "Game of Thrones" prequel "House of the Dragon"
for giving the Internet something to be mad about
when the finale airs in eight years.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I didn't like it. -I don't like it at all.
-Thank you, FDA for authorizing
the use of the Pfizer vaccine for teenagers.
Although if you really want to get teenagers to get vaccinated,
just tell them that they're not allowed.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You can't tell me what to do, dad.
-I'm going to clean up this whole yard and my room, too.
[ Laughter ]
I'll change the oil on the car.
-How old are you, son?
-My son is 75.
-Oh.
[ Laughter ]
-Thank you, Cicadas.
This past year has been hard on all of us,
so it's nice to know a swarm of loud,
hideous bugs is about to arrive.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you, waiter pouring water, for making me think do we stop
talking completely, and suddenly watch him pour,
carry on our conversation, or fake talk until he leaves?
[ Applause ]
Thank you good.
-We're good.
We're good. -We're good.
Thank you, baseballs, for looking like you just
got out of a major surgery.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you, diners, for being the only restaurant
where half the menu items just sound like dares.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Filet of cod with fresh fruit and coleslaw?
-I'll take that. -Sure, why not?
-Jell-O with marshmallows in it? Alright.
-Should I get the lobster?
[ Laughter ]
-I'm going to get the fresh --
-I wouldn't get the lobster.
-I have a choice. -It's 3:00 in the morning,
we just left the bar.
-Are you sure? -I'm just saying.
I haven't been here before. -It's either a patty melt
pr lobster scampi.
-I would -- I would just go with a burger and fries
or something like that. -Mm, I don't know.
I think I'll get the octopus, and...
-Yeah.
-...the creme brulee. -Ah.
They make creme brulee at this diner?
-Oh, yeah. This diner is fantastic.
It's Jell-O that somebody burned.
-Yeah, burned Jell-O.
-More brulee than creme.
[ Laughter ]
-Something brulee.
-Yeah, and it's orange Jell-O.
-I like orange Jell-O. -I love orange Jell-O.
Are you kidding me? -Are you joking me?
-No, I love all kinds of Jell-O. Are you talking me down?
I love orange Jell-O. -I love every type of Jell-O.
-Do you really? What do you love?
-Yeah, I love cherry Jell-O. -Right.
-Yeah, I love grape Jell-O.
-What about the lime Jell-O?
-I'm not a garbage person.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you, regular umbrellas, for probably looking at
beach umbrellas like, "Wait, that was
an option this whole time?
Should've done that."
[ Applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Thank you, sod, for being Fruit Roll-Ups for dads.
There you have it everybody. -Come on.
-Those are my thank you notes.