-Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show," everybody.
Thank you for watching. I appreciate it.
Thank you for being here. [ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, let's get to some news.
Today, President Biden held a big one-on-one video call
with Russian president Vladimir Putin
that lasted two hours.
And like most two-hour meetings over Zoom,
Putin was like, "This could have been e-mail."
On the bright side, it was the first time
Putin could see Biden on camera
when Biden actually knew he was on camera.
Zoom meetings with Putin are interesting.
Some people go without pants.
Putin just goes without a shirt.
And a space background, too.
I saw that, before the big meeting,
Biden spoke with the leaders of
Germany, France, Italy, and the U.K.
That's not all.
Several other European leaders reached out to give him advice.
Here's what they had to say. Check this out.
First, we have British Prime Minister Boris Johnson.
He told Biden...
-Wow!
-Not the advice -- -Yeah.
-Not the advice he was asking for.
-Good advice, though.
-Next, we have Irish president Michael D. Higgins.
He said...
What is he...
Next, we have President Erdogan of Turkey.
He told Biden...
After that, we have Italian president
Sergio Mattarella.
He said...
What?
Here's Scotland's first minister, Nicola Sturgeon.
She told Biden...
And, finally, President George Vella of Malta
gave Biden some advice.
He said...
At least that's something.
Well, this is going viral.
China's moon rover spotted a mysterious cube-shaped object
on the moon's surface, and everyone on the Internet
is trying to figure out what it is.
And if there is anyone who knows the truth,
it's random people on the Internet.
Yeah, the same Internet
that couldn't figure out the color of a dress.
[ Applause ]
And they decided what's on the --
Hey, but this is cool.
I just saw that Nicolas Cage has been cast
as Dracula in a new movie.
And here now, on the phone, to talk about it is Nicolas Cage.
Nic. Nic, are you there?
-Jimmy!
It's my distinct honor to be talking with you.
-Thank you for being here. So, you've been cast as Dracula?
-It's true.
I'm going to play the King of the Bats.
-That's great. That's great.
-I never heard of Dracula until yesterday.
But get this, Jimmy.
He's an old Russian guy who's obsessed with wearing capes.
That's kind of his whole thing.
-I mean, I think there's more to Dracula than his cape.
-Hey! Want to hear me do my Dracula, Jimmy?
-Sure. Of course. Let's hear it.
-Okay. Here we go.
[ Clears throat ]
"Get that garlic away from me!
It almost got on my cape."
-That sounds great, Nic. I don't know what to say.
I can't wait to see this movie.
-Jimmy, guess who's gonna play Frankenstein?
-I don't know. Who?
-Ah, geez. I mean, oh, cool.
I mean, I just got struck by lightning.
Now I'm, like, all green and stuff.
-Wow. Oh, my gosh.
John Travolta is going to be playing Frankenstein?
-Yeah. Like, I'm just, like, green freak --
You know, I'm, like, a freaky, green guy,
like, eating brains or something.
-Let's get one thing straight, Jack.
Frankenstein does not wear a cape.
-Oh, come on, man.
Just because I'm green doesn't mean I can't wear a cape, right?
-Back off!
This is the Drac show, and don't you forget it!
-Aw, man, your voice is kind of loud, right?
I don't even know if I want to do this movie no more.
No way. -Way.
-No way. -Way.
-No way. -I implore you, way.
-No. -Yes.
-No, no. -Yes, yes.
-Just stop.
-Just start. -I'm going.
-I'm coming.
-No, thanks. -Yes, you're welcome.
-Goodbye. -Hello.
-No way.
-Alright, look, guys, just figure it out.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I hate to see two of my favorite celebrities
arguing like that on television.
-A troll doll.
-Hey, guys, in a new survey, 70% of American dog owners
say that their dog overeats during the holidays.
Yeah. Then their dogs were like,
"It's called seasonal depression,
and telling everyone is not helping."
You know your dog overeats when he drops an
Alka-Seltzer in the toilet bowl before drinking, you know?
Get this.
A pub owner in the U.K. claims that security footage
from his bar shows proof of supernatural activity.
There's only one guy sitting at the bar when it happens,
so just watch the beer next to him very closely.
Watch.
[ Indistinct conversations ] ♪♪
-What's done that?
That was very odd.
Oh, my God.
-Yeah.
The pub was like, "Casper, do we need to call your wife
to come get you again?"
That's laziest ghost I've ever seen.
Other ghosts are like,
"I haunted a mansion for 500 years."
This guy is like, "Well, I knocked over a glass once."
Meanwhile, forget the ghost.
The craziest thing a that 7-year-old bartender.
I like that guy.
No one said anything about him.
-"Here you go."
-Finally, a man in England spent months building
the country's largest train set in his basement
while keeping it a secret from his girlfriend.
Officials think he's lying, because no one has ever
said the words "girlfriend" and "model train set"
in the same sentence.
What a show we have for you tonight.
She stars in the new movie "Mother/Android,"
which is available on Hulu December 17th.
Chloe Grace Moretz is here today.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Plus, he is one of my favorites.
One of the funniest guys out there.
His "Known European" stand-up tour kicks off later this month.
And his new movie, "Mix Tape," is streaming now on Netflix.
Nick Thune is here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And we got great music from Wizkid featuring Tems!
[ Cheers and applause ]
It was an exciting day for me today.
-So, what happened? -Well, my song is out.
I have a single out called "It was a Masked Christmas."
It's me -- [ Cheers and applause ]
It's me and Ariana Grande and Megan Thee Stallion.
It's available on any streaming service,
anything you're listening to.
But, so, I was doing some press this morning,
talking, which is rare, 'cause --
Talking about my song, which is fun.
And I went to do "Elvis Duran and the Morning," Z100.
I love those guys, the whole morning show.
And I hadn't seen him in person in over a year.
You know, Zoom, maybe.
It was great to see him.
I was talking to him, and they played the song.
And I was like -- You know, I go,
"It means so much to me to hear my song on the radio,
because I was a giant fan of radio growing up."
My dad -- My mom and dad were so into radio.
They just played it every day.
My dad had me and my sister climb into the attic
to put wire so that we can get reception.
Totally safe. -Yeah.
-We get WCBS and listen to "Cousin Brucie,"
you know, in Saugerties, New York, where we lived.
You know, Norm N. Nite, "Nite Train Show" or something.
And I listened to -- Growing up, K104 was my station,
and Skywalker does a good job there.
But, anyways, I'm talking to him about that
and how much it means to me, you know,
to have my song play on the radio.
And he goes, "Alright, well,
I know you're going back to the office."
'Cause, you know, We're down -- He's in New York.
I go, "Yeah."
He goes, "I'll give you a minute to get out of the building
and then tune into Z100
so you can hear your song on the radio."
I just -- That was a cool move. [ Cheers and applause ]
So, "Elvis Duran and the Morning Show,"
that was a class act.
I appreciate that. Thank you very much.
Thank you iHeartRadio, too. I appreciate it. That's awesome.
"Masked Christmas," yeah.
That was -- Oh.
Oh, Tig Notaro. Tig, hey!
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
Can I help you? Oh, my goodness. -Oh, that's okay.
I was just headed off to the airport.
Do you mind if I sit down? -No, please. No, absolutely.
Yeah. Tig Notaro, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ]
You're off to the airport? -Yeah.
-You were just here last night on our show.
-Yeah. And It's also America's Sweetheart Tig Notaro."
-That's right. I forgot to mention that.
I forgot -- America's sweetheart.
-Yeah, that's right. -What's up, buddy?
How can I help you?
-Well, last night, when I did your show,
I had shown a picture of an actress -- or just a celebrity.
I didn't know who it was sitting next to me on a flight.
-That's correct. -Do you have the picture still?
-I do, from last night. -Yeah.
It's right there.
-This is the photo, yeah. -Yeah.
-We were trying to guess who the celebrity was.
-We didn't know who it was. -No, people were coming up
to her the whole flight and saying, "I love your work."
-Yeah, they were like, "Oh, even with a mask,
I know who --" Do you mind if I take this off?
-No, it looks comfortable, by the way.
-Do you want to wear it?
-No. -Okay.
[ Laughter ]
But -- I'll be asleep soon.
But they were like, "Yeah, even with the mask,
I know who you are and the hair."
-Yeah. -And just the whole flight,
I was like, "Who the hell is this person?"
-Yeah. -And then you posted it online.
-Yeah. -Well, I guess you also
aired your show. Yeah.
-Millions of people watch our show, as well.
-However you get your "Tonight Show."
-Yeah. -This was online,
and the Internet did its work.
-Yeah, and they figured it out.
-Figured out who it is. And it is Rebecca Wisocky.
-Rebecca Wisocky. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Yeah.
-She is on the show... -Yeah. I -- Yeah.
-She's on the show "Ghosts," on CBS.
-Yeah, that's why I came by. I came by --
I came by -- Well, I came by on my way
to the airport to let you know that
and to let everyone know
that she's on "Ghosts," on CBS, at 9:00 p.m.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-Oh, good. I'm glad. -On Thursday.
-Thursday nights. -Yeah, Thursday nights.
-Tune in to CBS on Thursday. Thanks, Tig.
-Yeah. -I appreciate this.
-But I have to go. -Have a safe --
Have a safe flight.
Tig Notaro, everybody.
Thank you for coming by and clearing that up.
[ Cheers and applause ] I appreciate this.
-America's sweetheart. -America's sweetheart,
Tig Notaro, everybody. Thanks for checking in on us.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ] Oh, my gosh.
-I got it, I got it. -You all right?
You got it? -Got it, yeah.
-Thank you. I got it. Thank you.
Bye. -Be well, be well.
Tig Notaro. [ Laughs ]
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
For tickets to her "Hello Again" tour,
go to tignotaro.com.
She's gonna be at Largo in L.A. this Sunday.
Tig Notaro. -And when's "Ghosts" on?
-"Ghosts" is apparently on --
-CBS? -CBS comedy.
"Ghosts" is on Thursdays at 9:00.