What the hell have I been doing with my life? Trying to get in shape, man.
But I hate going to the gym, so I decided I'd go veggie twice a week.
It's brutal.
I can only make it till about 5:00.
Five o'clock, that's what I realized about myself, you know that?
Something has to die every day in order for me to live.
Something's got to get its beak chopped off,
its feathers yanked,
uppercut to its jaw, just in order for me to survive.
I'm trying! Couscous and all that shit.
It's awful.
I saw this thing, though. They said if everybody went vegan,
if everybody went vegan or vegetarian, whatever the hell they said.
One of those "V" ones, right?
They said it'll be great for the environment, you know.
I guess there's all this cattle standing around, and when they fart,
the gas goes up in the atmosphere and causes something.
Right?
They're always doing that shit.
You know, "If everybody went vegan, the air would be--
If everybody drove an electric car,
if everybody just had some snowshoes on."
Right? They just won't come out and say it.
Nobody has the balls to come out and just say, "Look, 85% of you have to go."
- That's it! That is it. - [cheering and applause]
I have been bitching about the population problem
for three specials in a row.
Waiting...
for some politician to have the balls to bring it up,
but they won't do it, they won't do it.
We live in a democracy. Right?
Can't be honest in a democracy. You need the votes.
You can't run with that as your platform.
Coming out there: "And if elected,
I would implement a program
to immediately eliminate at least 85% of you!
This planet cannot sustain the sheer numbers--
Let me finish!
This will not be arbitrary.
Under your seats is a multiple choice questionnaire!
If you did not bring a pencil, you're already out!"
You can't do that.
You got to be nice.
You got to be fuckin' nice, especially this day and age.
Everybody getting in trouble, all these goddamn groups out there,
bitch, moaning and complaining anytime anybody says anything.
"We're part of a group, eh."
You gotta apologize.
"I'm sorry to people who own Shar Peis.
I didn't mean to say that it's an ugly-ass dog, nah."
Right?
Fuck you and your group. What about that?
What do you got, two million people in your group?
There's 400 million in this country. Nobody gives a shit.
Right?
Who the fuck joins a group?
"I'm gonna join a group, that's what I'm gonna do today."
Go to meetings. What kind of a fucking loser, right?
That's the same way I look at people who got upset about,
you know, Michael Sam, the gay football player
kissing his boyfriend when he got drafted.
Everybody bitch, moaning and complaining.
It's like, dude, that's what you get for watching the draft, all right?
Now once again, what kind of a fucking loser
just sits there watching round after round?
"The Jets are up next.
I think they need a quarterback.
They need to improve their defensive line."
Dude, that's like going to a graduation ceremony
where you don't know anybody who's graduating.
You're just fucking sitting there.
They're gonna have the whole list the next day.
They'll have everybody. Who drafted who, when.
Fucking got to sit there and watch that shit.
Those stupid interviews.
"Yeah, you're a member of the Buffalo Bills. How does it feel?"
"Well, you know, it's a blessing. I want to thank God.
Gonna try to do my best, it's a great organization,
and the same shit the last 80 guys said. So, yeah."
Yeah.
I'm glad he kissed him. He should have fuckin' blown him.
Yeah!
With birthday cake in his mouth and a Santa Claus hat on his head,
just to ruin the entire year.
Holding a flag. That fucks up Flag Day. You'll keep thinking about it.
Yeah.
Fucking stupid-ass groups.
People apologizing to 'em like they have some sort of power.
Look, if you're being a dick, apologize.
But other than that, yeah, go fuck yourself. Yeah.
[cheers and applause]