- From the minute you're born, you need to feel safe,
you need to feel secure, you need to feel you matter,
and you need to feel people are proud of you.
You know what?
You have to meet those needs.
"Hey Marisa, I worry that everything might be my fault.
"I guess I'm an anxious people-pleaser.
"If my boyfriend is in a bad mood,
"I assume it's because of me.
"If someone at work is in a bad mood,
"I assume it's because of me, you get the picture.
"I'm always on edge about people being annoyed with me.
"How can I stop thinking like this?"
Well, that's a great question.
And it's interesting that you assume
it is always your fault.
You're consumed with it being your fault,
you're so busy trying to please other people
you have forgotten to please yourself.
The most important opinion for you is your own opinion.
And I find that people who are people-pleasers
say sorry a lot, "Oh, I'm sorry, have I upset you?
"Oh, I'm so sorry, you seem to be in a bad mood,
"what have I done?"
And these are statements.
So one of the best things you can do
as a people-pleaser is stop saying, "Sorry."
"I'm so sorry I can't lend you money.
"I'm really sorry that I can't help,
"I'm sorry I can't lend you my car.
"I'm sorry you're upset.
"I'm sorry I'm late."
Start to change it to, "Hey, thank you so much for waiting.
"Thanks for waiting. Thanks for being there.
"Thank you for understanding.
"Thank you for recognizing I'm a bit cranky today.
"Thanks for being supportive."
Notice how much you apologize and stop.
So instead of saying, "Oh, I'm so sorry I upset you,
"I'm really sorry, I didn't complete that work,"
always say, "Thank you for understanding.
"Thank you for listening.
"Thank you for being there."
When your boyfriend is in a bad mood,
do not say, "Hey, whats' wrong? What have I done?
"What's wrong? What have I done?"
Say, "Can I help you?
"You seem a little out of sorts.
"That's cool, I understand.
"Can I help you? Do you want to talk about it?"
Often they'll go, "No, I'm having a really bad day."
When something at work is going on, don't go,
"Oh, what have I done? What have I done?
"Why won't you speak to me?
"Why are you being mean to me?
"Why are you off with me? What have I done?"
"What have I done?" is a statement.
Go back again and say, "Can I help you?
"Is something going on here?"
You see, you are telling yourself a story.
The story is, "This is my fault.
"My boyfriend's annoyed, I've done something wrong."
You need to have a better story.
See, I could go to my husband and go,
"Well, you're in a really bad mood, you're hardly speaking.
"You haven't looked up from your phone.
"What have I done wrong?"
But I would never do that
because I haven't done anything wrong.
How I would talk to him is I go,
"Hey, I'm telling myself a story here.
"We're driving and I'm asking you a question,
"you're not answering me.
"You're not giving me any attention.
"I'm telling myself a story; you're not interested in me,
"you don't want to talk to me."
And he'll go, "Oh, yeah, I'm really sorry.
"I'm telling myself a story, I'm reading a message from someone,
"and I'm telling myself a story, which is,
"I need to read this message and you keep interrupting me."
So we always start with, "I'm telling myself a story..."
"You don't care because you go to bed at night and never check
"all the doors are locked."
And then my husband will go, "Well, my story is,
"hey, you lived on your own for years before you met me.
"I didn't know I had to lock all the doors
"to make you safe."
So stop telling yourself a story.
Your boyfriend is a flawed person,
you're a flawed person.
I'm a flawed person.
Flawed people get all hung up on stuff
that's not about you.
I'd see it a bit with my little girl when I used to go, "Hey, darling,
"what happened at school today?
"What did you do?"
And she'd sometimes...
I said, "Darling, if you don't want this, say,
"'Mommy, I feel like you're interrogating me
"'and I just want a minute.'"
So I'd start with it, and she goes,
"Mom, I feel like you're interrogating me."
And I would stop, because I told her to say that,
because I'd go, "Hey, and what happened next?
"What's wrong with you?
"Why aren't you answering?
"Why are you so rude?
"I'm asking you about school,
"driven all this way to pick you up,
"and you're giving me that, 'Whatever," or rolling your eyes."
But just because I want to know about her day
doesn't mean she wants to share.
She may be thinking about stuff.
She may be having all sorts of stuff going on.
So stop with a story, "I've hurt you.
"I've upset you.
"You don't love me.
"You're not interested in me."
Tell yourself the truth;
people have their own agenda.
Maybe your boyfriend's favorite team lost.
Maybe he's got issues, but it's not your fault.
And at work, you're working with people who have emotions
and issues and situations.
When someone cuts their car in front of me,
I could go, "Look at that rude person."
Or I could go, "Hey, maybe they've got a kid
"that's sick in hospital,
"a difficult boss, and they've got to get to work."
Which is wrong or right?
Who knows, who cares?
I just choose to tell myself a better story.
"This person in the store is really rude
"and cut in front of me and cut in the line.
"But maybe they've got something urgent or they're unhappy."
You see, when you tell yourself a different story,
it changes your life.
And our whole life is stories.
So stop telling yourself, "It's my fault.
"I'm getting it wrong.
"I am to blame."
And tell yourself, "I live in a flawed world,
"with flawed people, having a flawed relationship."
You can't be perfect.
Just be you, but really stop apologizing
and stop blaming.
And imagine how your friends would feel if they said,
"Oh, what have I done wrong?
"Why are you upset?
"You're going to..." "It's not you; it's me.
"I'm having a bad day."
Or, "I need time to myself.
"I need time to think.
"I just need time."
"People at work weren't very engaging today.
"My boyfriend's a bit off.
"Now, let me focus on the worst possible outcome;
"he doesn't love me,
"he's annoyed that I did something wrong,
"I upset him,
"I made him angry,"
"somehow, everyone at work is cross with me
"and I'm focusing on the worst possible outcome."
Do you know that, statistically,
not even 10% of what you worry about
is ever going to happen?
Isn't that amazing?
So stop doing the worst possible outcome
and do the best possible outcome.
"My boyfriend needs time to himself.
"We all need time.
"My boyfriend's had a bad day.
"My boyfriend's going through some stuff, and I can go,
"'Hey, I'm here if you want to talk,
"'but I can also totally give you your space.
"'I'm here if you want to be here.
"'But I recognize sometimes you need your own time.
"'You want to talk?
"'No.
"'Okay.
"'I'll let you do your thing, but I'm here if you need me.'"
So go onto the best possible outcome.
"Maybe I did irritate my coworker.
"They irritate me.
"That's part of this tapestry of life
"and I can deal with it."
So give yourself better coping skills,
focus on the best possible outcome.
Change the pictures in your head.
Change the words.
Stop saying you're sorry.
And, remember, the most important opinion in the whole world
for the rest of your life is not your boyfriend's,
it's not anyone's, it's yours.
You give your boyfriend the power to make you feel good,
you give him the power to make you feel bad.
If you give your boss and your colleagues
the power to make you feel you're worth something,
you give them the power to make you feel you're worthless.
If you say, "Hey, you over there,
"could you make me feel that I matter,
"that I'm a good person, that I'm...? Can you do that?
"Could you make me feel attractive and interesting?"
"Sure, I could do that for you for a year,
"but then I'm going to move on.
"Maybe I'm going to change state, find someone else.
"And now, because you gave me that power,
"I've taken it back."
But if you give yourself the power,
"I want to feel important and significant,
"I want to feel enough,
"I need to feel I matter,"
these are very valid needs.
From the minute you are born, you need to feel safe,
you need to feel secure, you need to feel you matter,
and you need to feel people are proud of you.
You know what?
You have to meet those needs.
So everyone listening to this,
take a minute now and think about,
what do you need to hear?
"Well, this is not rocket science.
"I need to hear, 'I'm great.
"'I matter.
"'I'm significant.
"'I'm enough.
"'I'm lovable.
"'I'm doing a great job.'"
So, start saying it.
Let's do it now.
Take a deep breath and repeat after me.
"I matter.
"I'm significant.
"I'm lovable.
"I'm enough.
"I'm enough just the way I am.
"I'm lovable just the way I am.
"I matter
"just the way I am."
And add in some other stuff.
"I'm an amazing girlfriend.
"I'm an amazing colleague.
"I'm an amazing coworker."
Whatever you want to hear,
say those words to yourself now.
"I'm good.
"I'm smart.
"I'm intelligent.
"I'm great at my job.
"I'm an amazing person."
You can say anything you like.
And if you say it and say it,
the mind learns by repetition.
It will go in.
And when you say it to yourself, you know what?
No one can come and take it away.
No one can go,
"I've found someone taller, younger, smarter."
No one can take it away if you say it.
So say it now,
Say it every day.
And for you, especially, the writer of this letter,
write down the words you want to hear from your boyfriend,
your colleagues, your boss, say them to yourself.
I can only tell you the truth.
It will change your life, and you get to keep it forever.
So do that now.
And don't be sorry.
Just be glad you learned to change now.