WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WITH ALL THE NEWS ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS, I HOPE EVERYONE'S
DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO STAY SAFE.
IF YOU NEED INFORMATION ABOUT HOW TO STAY HEALTHY, DON'T ASK
DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE
PRESIDENT'S APPROACH TO WELLNESS FROM FORMER WHITE HOUSE
PHYSICIAN AND MAN DESCRIBING THE SIZE OF TRUMP'S HOAGIE
( LAUGHTER )
DR. RONNY IS EVIDENTLY RUNNING FOR CONGRESS DOWN IN TEXAS,
AND IN A RECENT INTERVIEW, HE SAID ONE OF HIS BIGGEST REGRETS
WAS NOT BEING ABLE TO ESTABLISH THE DIET AND EXERCISE REGIMEN HE
HAD PLANNED FOR TRUMP.
REALLY?
THAT'S THE THING HE REGRETS?
( LAUGHTER )
COLLEAGUES OR LOOSELY HANDLING PRESCRIPTION PAIN MEDICATIONS,
OR THAT ONE TIME HE WRECKED A GOVERNMENT VEHICLE WHILE DRUNK.
LOOK, I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S QUALIFIED FOR CONGRESS, BUT HE'S
DEFINITELY QUALIFIED FOR THE SUPREME COURT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, JACKSON SAYS-- NOW, JACKSON DID HAVE ONE STRATEGY TO KEEP
TRUMP HEALTHY.
APPARENTLY HE HID VEGGIES IN TRUMP'S MASHED POTATOES BECAUSE
NOTHING MAKES A PARANOID TYRANT FEEL SECURE LIKE HIDING STUFF IN
HIS FOOD.
( AS TRUMP )
TASTER.
I THINK SOMEONE'S TRYING TO POISON ME WITH NUTRIENTS."
CHECK YOUR CALENDARS: IT'S FEBRUARY 28, WHICH MEANS JUST
ONE MORE SHOPPING DAY IN BLACK HISTORY MONTH.
TO CELEBRATE, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN WILL BE OPENING 15 COMMUNITY
CENTERS TO REACH BLACK VOTERS.
IT'S RUN BY A GROUP CALLED "BLACK VOICES FOR TRUMP," WHICH
SOUNDS SURPRISING, BECAUSE TRUMP HS A LOT OF AFRICAN AMERICAN
SUPPORT.
FOR INSTANCE, THERE'S THIS GUY, THE SAME GUY AT ANOTHER RALLY,
AND THE SAME GUY AGAIN, ALL IN DIFFERENT CITIES!
IT'S LIKE A "WHERE'S WALDO," EXCEPT MUCH EASIER TO PICK OUT
OF A CROWD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, THIS WEEK--
THIS WEEK, THE CAMPAIGN LAUNCHED A PROTOTYPE OF ONE OF THE
COMMUNITY CENTERS, AND HERE IT IS.
IT'S JUST STUFF ON A TABLE, LIKE A T-SHIRT THAT JUST SAYS "WOKE."
"WOKE"?
AT THIS POINT, THAT'S GETTING A LITTLE DATED.
NOT AS BAD AS THEIR OTHER BLACK OUTREACH T-SHIRT: DY-NO-MITE.
( LAUGHTER )
SOMETHING, SINCE "MORE THAN EIGHT IN TEN BLACK AMERICANS SAY
THEY BELIEVE TRUMP IS A RACIST."
THE OTHER TWO ARE BEN CARSON AND KANYE WEST.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DEMOCRATS-- DEMOCRATS ARE DEALING WITH THEIR
OWN CONTROVERSY-- SPECIFICALLY, SENATE MINORITY LEADER,
CHUCK SCHUMER, SEEN HERE ON THE COVER OF HIS JAZZ ALBUM, "THE
SULTRY SENATE."
APPARENTLY, THE "NEW YORK POST" LOOKED INTO SCHUMER'S F.E.C.
FILINGS AND FOUND THE SHOCKING NEWS THAT HE HAS SPENT $8,600 ON
CHEESECAKES IN THE PAST DECADE.
NOW, AS SCANDALS GO, THIS ONE IS PRETTY MILD.
AND VERY CREAMY.
( LAUGHTER )
ADDRESSED IT AT A PRESS CONFERENCE THIS WEEK.
>> I GIVE THEM AS GIFTS.
I USE THEM AS BETS.
>> Stephen: YOU HEARD HIM, CHUCK SCHUMER BETS WITH
CHEESECAKES.
US I HAD ROLLERS KNOW THIS IS EXTREMELY COMMON.
WHO COULD FORGET THIS CLASSIC SCENE FROM "CASINO ROYALE?"
>> RAISE.
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> $14,500,000.
>> WHOA!
THAT'S A LOT OF CHEESECAKE.
>> Stephen: FEARS-- FEARS OF CORONAVIRUS-- I DON'T REMEMBER
THAT LAST.
GUY.
I REMEMBER EVERYTHING BUT THAT LAST GUY.
FEARS OF CORONAVIRUS ARE RUNNING HIGH, AND TRUMP HAS BEEN
ENCOURAGING GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES TO STAY HOME-- BY
FIRING THEM FOR DISLOYALTY.
IN FACT, IN THE WAKE OF TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT ACQUITTAL, THE WHITE
HOUSE HAS CREATED LISTS OF DISLOYAL OFFICIALS.
( AS TRUMP )
CHECKIN' IT TWICE GONNA FIRE YOU THEN EAT
A CAKE SLICE ♪
( APPLAUSE )
♪ SCHUMER SENT ME CHEESECAKE TODAY ♪
SO TO HANDLE THE LIST, TRUMP RECENTLY PROMOTED HIS PERSONAL
AIDE, JOHN McENTEE, AND INSTRUCTED HIM TO PURGE THE
EXECUTIVE BRANCH OF ANYONE NOT LOYAL TO TRUMP.
A PURGE!
THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE SOVIET UNION.
INSTEAD OF RED SQUARE, IT'S ORANGE BLOB.
( LAUGHTER )
"McENTEE PROMPTLY HIRED JAMES BACON, A 23-YEAR-OLD COLLEGE
SENIOR."
( AS TRUMP )
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW-- >> Jon: WOW!
>> Stephen: A COLLEGE SENIOR!
CLEARLY, AS LONG AS YOU'RE BLINDLY LOYAL, TRUMP DOESN'T
CARE ABOUT AGE OR EXPERIENCE.
HERE TO TELL US MORE ABOUT THE ADMINISTRATION'S NEW HIRING
AND FIRING POLICY IS WHITE HOUSE MANAGEMENT DIRECTOR, KAYLA
McKENZIE.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: SO, KAYLA-- >> DIRECTOR McKENZIE.
>> Stephen: MY APOLOGIES.
DIRECTOR McKENZIE, WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY DO THERE AT THE
WHITE HOUSE?
>> MY JOB IS TO CULL THE WEAK, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
>> HOW DARE YOU ASK A WOMAN HER AGE.
WHAT ELSE TO EXPECT FROM FAKE NEWS CBS.
YOU'RE AS BAD AS THE NEVER-TRUMPERS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
TYRA BANKS IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, OUR REAL NEWS ANCHOR GOES TO SOUTH
CAROLINA TO SEE WHAT VOTERS REALLY THINK.
STY WITH US.