Man, I don't work out, as you can tell.
I got, like, the shape of a T-Rex, somebody said to me.
Stomach all big, arms all little.
You know, my girl, she told me, she's like, baby, you know,
you gotta to get in the gym.
You gotta get right.
I think because of my performance.
And don't worry about it.
I'm going to get it together.
It's crazy, the other day I called myself going all out.
I said, baby-- you know what I'm saying,
she was laying in the bed, looking I'm real good.
I said, I'm just gonna attack it.
Well, you know, at this age you can't just attack it no more.
You know what I'm saying?
Kind of like a car, you gotta, like, let it warm up before,
know what I'm saying?
So I called myself just diving in, just going.
Hard!
I'm going hard.
Five good minutes, and-- and then-- something just happened.
I felt a pain in my chest.
A sharp pain.
You know, you start reaching for all type of shit
on the nightstand.
I was grabbing, like, amlodipine, that's
my blood pressure medicine.
Kidney pills and goldenseals and water.
She said-- she did some bullshit.
She patted me on the back, talking about, it's
going to be all right, baby.
Type of shit is that?
I just moved, man.
And the crazy thing about moving is finding new shit, man.
I'm having trouble finding a new barber.
I don't know if y'all can tell, my hairline is--
it's not my hairline.
This ain't the line that I had prior to moving,
you know what I'm saying?
And it's crazy, because when you find a new barber, man,
it's like you leave your old barber.
You ever run into your old barber after you left them?
It's like running into an old drug dealer, like they--
they're like, nigga, where you been?
Who did that to your line?
Fucking touch this shit up like that.
Now I'm just reckless with it.
I'm like a barbershop ho.
Like, I just go to random shops, I don't even care anymore.
I just gave up.
Go to a barbershop like, you, fam, cut my hair,
you know what I'm saying?
And then, you know, after they're done, they're here,
take my card, make an app-- nah, I don't want your number.
I went to this barber, man, and it was different, man.
Because I sat in his chair, you know--
you know, when you sit in the barber chair,
you gotta get tight on them, man.
'Cause these barbers, these barbers are weird now, man.
Like the barber will pump your chair.
You know.
[hissing noises]
Now, I'm 6' 2".
It's no reason for this dude to pump my chair this high.
Know what I'm saying?
You don't gotta do it that high.
He's stopped the pump at, like, around ball level.
His balls.
He was kind of, like, sizing up my line,
and he swiveled the chair.
And my knuckles-- my knuckles kind of grazed his balls.
I think-- crazy shit.
Now you get to the most uncomfortable part
of the barbershop experience, is the mustache.
Because you got to trust this nigga.
You gotta, like-- you're sitting here like--
[laughs] You gotta kind of, like, close your eyes.
You gotta, like, give him, like, a slight little lip poke,
so you're sitting like--
Now the barber this time, he had, like,
all type of shit behind him.
Whole apparatus to clean you off.
He got the new air hose to clean you off,
the powder brush, blow dry, all type of shit.
Now when we was finished, I had, like, a loose hair somewhere,
like right here by my mouth.
And instead of this nigga wanting
to use any of the apparatus that he had behind him,
he decided that he wanted to-- to blow.
It was some weird shit.
I was, like, in the middle of asking him how much, and he--
[blows into mic]
It was like an air kiss.
He kissed me!