jim gaffigan
thank you thank you thank you
oh my gosh thank you canada
i saw a moose in person i mean or in
moose
i'm a person who saw a moose
and i tell you i don't i don't feel like
i was ready
i don't know how big i thought a moose
was gonna be
but i was way off
i was i was way off i was it was
huge and i feel like i should have been
warned
like someone should have been like you
might see a moose get ready
but my friend was like you might see a
moose have fun like it was a butterfly
or something
hopefully yes cmos so i was like in
shock when i saw it i was like wow
whoa are they shooting a star wars movie
up here how many people are in that
moose costume at least
three it was huge it was the size of
like a transformer it was
gigantic and then my friend was like
don't get close it'll kill you
what at that moment i realized my moose
knowledge
didn't exist i knew nothing about moose
like my moose knowledge it comes from
cartoons
in cartoons movies are like hey all you
do
but in real life i gotta kill you out
how did that translate never hear moose
in those
animal songs right the cow goes moo
the cat goes meow the moose goes i'm
gonna stop you to death
those donaires are amazing you know
that's
that's spicy meat with that sweet sauce
which i'm
almost positive is just melted ice cream
i'll have a donaire making cookies and
cream
that don't hear me i don't i still can't
find out what it is
it's like you know dancer and prancer
and donaire and blitzen
but do you recall
[Music]
the most tasty diarrhea causing meat of
all
it's the donaire
i'm convinced that uh the donaire was
just created
so we can digest poutine
right some guy went to the giant i had
poutine a month ago
doctor's like i'm gonna prescribe you a
donaire
i think it'll work i'm also gonna give
you a prescription for a diaper
it's very important you put the diaper
on before you eat the donut
but you know poutine it's a little
irresponsible
i mean after all i don't want to die
it's almost like someone was just trying
to make french fries more unhealthy
what if we cover in everything that
causes heart disease
let's do it we have free health care
did you know that poutine in french
means vladimir putin
i'm just saying i have to admit i'm a
little disappointed by the uh
number of tim hortons in town
there's some but you go to you go to
some cities in canada
and the number of tim hortons is
uncomfortable
like your drive by the fifth one and
you're like uh uh is this a tim hortons
theme park
are we sure they're only selling coffee
and donuts
canadians you guys are always like
that's our dunkin donuts that's right
that's our dog unknown
yeah in america we don't have dunkin
donuts on every block
tim hortons is like america's stop sign
now now there's i've seen some tim
hortons in america and whenever i see a
tim hortons in america
i always have the same thought don't
force your culture on
us
[Applause]
we're having an election in america so
there's bound to be some
uh americans that threatened to move to
canada
if that person gets elected i'm moving
to canada i don't remember
canada extending an invitation
it's like
and i've been coming to canada for years
been recruited
zero times no one's ever called me hey
you live in the states you ever thought
of making a move
how you feel about clam juice
i remember the first time i came to
canada the the big difference i noticed
was that uh things are measured
differently right temperature and
distance
and remember at the time being like well
that's annoying
then eventually i realized it wasn't
just canada it was the entire
world
that uses the metric system
except for us and i tell you it was
strange as an american
to realize every other country on the
planet
was wrong right
it should change for us because we all
know god loves america more
and that love is measured in feet
i do love doing international shows it's
different with trump as president i know
you guys are all fans of his
but no it's different with trump
especially it's kind of like having a
parent that's an alcoholic
show up in a country like sorry about my
dad
[Applause]
it starts off normal the further east
you go
the crazier it gets like newfoundland is
like
newfoundland is like the crazy uncle
that you don't introduce to friends
until you've known them for a long time
i don't want them to think
i'm like
everything is crazy in newfoundland
everything it's like a newfoundland uh
what
time zones do you want to be in the same
time zone as the maritimes
we'll go a half hour earlier
worldwide time zones are done by the
hour
we'll go half hour
[Applause]
okay okay uh just final uh housekeeping
here um
is newfoundland three words or two words
one word
thank you very much thank you spent some
time in quebec i love
quebec my favorite part of the quebec
culture is
the curse words the curse words in
quebec
are just catholic objects in french
tabinek
they're just saying nouns it's a
you're a chair well then you're a table
fellas fellas there's children present
[Applause]
women aren't funny your wife must have a
sense of humor
she's seen you naked oh
drop my cucumber do i call you or do i
just commit a crime
probably committing a crime would get me
to you quicker this is me
my most inviting thank you and good
night