(audience cheers)
The energy. That's-
Thank you. Please have a seat.
I learned from the best, man.
You learned from the master.
(laughs)
Oh, man. What a day, what a day.
It's beautiful.
Incredible energy in the studio tonight.
Yes. Yes.
(audience cheers)
It's different. It's special.
You could tell backstage.
You could tell that stage watching
when I was working that crowd up front,
you could tell I was playing with amazing forces.
It's a phenomenon!
(audience laughs)
It's a phenomenon!
That's the only way to put it.
But you know what? I've noticed-
And I've been watching this for a while, Conan.
It's interesting 'cause, I mean, what you do is incredible.
I mean, your energy is amazing.
Truly, truly.
(audience cheers)
But there's just one thing-
There's just one thing that every time I watch the show
it kind of drives me a little crazy.
You've found a flaw.
Just one little thing. It's no big deal.
It's never gonna, you know,
hurt the show or anything like that.
But when you come out and you do your dance,
you know what I mean? Yes, yes.
And you come out. Let me just, I mean-
So, you come out beginning of the show.
Huge energy. You're walking up, you're doing your thing.
And then you jump onto the star, right?
Yes, yes, yes! Perfect.
And then you go to Max.
Yeah, yeah.
And then you do your little pivot.
Right, right.
And then you lick your fingers, you pull your jacket back,
you do your little string dance.
(audience cheers)
(kisses)
Perfect.
But now here is where you go a little awry.
You go a little awry because what happens is
when you pull this hand up,
you come over here now and you cut the strings and drop.
But anybody who knows anything about physics
would know that the string comes from the top.
So you have to cut the string from the top and then drop.
Otherwise you're tied to the floor.
You're cutting something and then going up like this.
And releasing it.
(audience cheers)
Seriously!
Can we get a clip- Do we have a-
Can we get a clip of that or something?
Can they put a clip of that up?
(audience laughs)
Now you're going for the string and it's underneath.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
It doesn't make sense.
I have the right to defend myself here.
This string is going from the hip to the hand.
The hip is dropping!
Oh!
(audience cheers)
I stand corrected!
(audience cheers)
(exclaims)
(Conan laughs)
I stand corrected!
Oh, I'm so glad!
I'm so glad you told me.
I've been so confused.
(audience laughs)
Well, I hope it's clear to everyone.
I think we've just cleared up-
Did you guys get that?
Yes. See, now-
Oh man, I'm the only stupid man in America.
(audience laughs)
No, no, it's very complicated.
That's not like me to miss something like that.
These forces we're toying with are just-
I'm gonna offer you some classes
'cause I teach a lot of physical comedy.
I teach physical comedy.
I was gonna say, "You know,
you won't even have to go through the levels, you know?"
You can just like- but you're the master now.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
But I want to talk about you.
No one wants to talk about me.
Really? I've asked. No one wants to.
(audience laughs)
Let's talk about you.
This is a big movie you're out promoting.
Oh, there's water spilled all over the place.
Yes, when you-
(audience laughs)
That's not-
You don't know where that table's been.
Hey man, you don't want to waste that.
That's a transit strike.
You're right.
(audience laughs)
You got to save that water. Exactly.
Big movie out there: "Fun with Dick and Jane."
But the title doesn't explain it
so you probably want to explain this movie to people.
Okay. Well, here it is.
It's about a professor of theology
who's called to the scene of a murder in the Louvre
and he finds a code in the Bible
that will bring the religious establishment to its knees.
Oh no, no. Wait, no.
No, no, that's not it.
No, that's the-
That's right. That's right, no. Dick and Jane.
Dick and Jane is-
(audience laughs)
That's "DaVinci Code," right.
That's "DaVinci Code," yeah.
It's just in my mind. Can't get it out!
Sounds like it's gonna be a good movie that one.
It really is. I can't wait to see that.
(audience laughs)
But no, Dick and Jane is about a suburban couple-
very, very fetching, very fetching suburban couple-
who lose everything because of an Enron-type scandal.
And they turn to a life of crime
and eventually they show the white-collar creeps
what it's like to get reamed.
Nice, I like that. I like that.
And then Jane is kidnapped by an ape.
(audience laughs)
You're getting your movies confused.
I just thought that was just not necessary, you know?
Sure, you don't need that.
But it's a competitive marketplace, I guess,
and stuff like that and I don't know.
I want to bring this up 'cause you said competitive
and I want to bring this up.
I've known you for a few years and-
I have an idea.
What's that?
Tiny ape.
What?
Seriously. Tiny little ape.
Tiny little ape?
Huge, massive strength, but he's tiny.
You can hardly see him, right?
So he could shoot right up your nose
and beat the hell out of your brain, you know?
That's a great movie.
What do you mean I have an ape in my brain?
That's ridiculous-
(exclaims)
(Conan laughs)
He has an ape in his brain!
I have Godzilla in my pants!
(audience laughs)
It's like it could meet. Like, they could-
"Alien vs. Predator," man.
"Alien vs. Predator."
But now, but you are a competitive fellow.
I know that about you.
You like to win and you are the producer of this film.
So, what's wrong with that?
Nothing's wrong with it; I wasn't picking a fight.
What are you getting on me for?
I'm not getting on you.
I'm just saying that you have- and I admire this-
you've taken some steps to ensure
that "Fun with Dick and Jane" does very well this weekend
against the competition.
You know, I am a producer. I wear two hats now.
So I think that it's important
that I represent the movie well
and that I inspire confidence in the Sony investor.
Okay, very good.
So...
(audience laughs)
So yeah, I've done some moves. I've made some moves.
I think this is a really smart idea.
I actually bought Moviefone.
You yourself bought Moviefone.
I bought Moviefone
and I've just made a couple of little changes
and I'm still gonna advertise the other movies and stuff,
but I'd like us to just have a little bit of an edge,
you know?
You have a phone back here?
Yeah, we have one right here.
Yeah, we always have a phone.
So just call Moviefone and see what you've done?
All right. All right. Okay.
I just thought this was a-
Here we go.
Neat little competitive thing.
(dial tone rings)
Hello and welcome to Moviefone!
For "Fun with Dick and Jane," press one now!
For "King Kong," suck eggs now!
For "Cheaper by the Dozen 2," go (beep) yourself now!
(audience cheers)
That's a terrible thing to do!
Just that little extra edge that you need
in the marketplace, you know what I mean?
I imagine you'll do very well.
People won't know it. They won't be able to tell.
But you know, I- Okay, let's talk about this.
You're very- you want to win, but "Kong" is out there.
The movie "Kong"- it's been on your mind.
You've referenced a few times.
What? Kong, bong, shmong, long.
(Conan laughs)
That's a very good point you made.
That's my argument. That's my argument.
God, you're good!
Kong, shlongy, gong, gong, you know?
What do you do about "Kong"?
I'm not worried about it, man.
How could you not be worried about-
You know, I've been saying this all over town
and I'm not afraid to say it again: "Kong" is going down.
The ape will fall!
Tomorrow, December 21st, the ape will fall!
History will be made! Blood will be shed!
Prisoners will not be protected by the Geneva convention!
Be there!
(audience cheers)