Anybody ever flew Spirit before?
(crowd cheers)
Nah, why y'all cheering?
That's the worst air-- Look, look...
(laughs)
Spirit is terrible.
They don't even got no seat belts on there.
You holding hands with everybody in your row.
You, like...
They got a hold-hand light.
"Hey, y'all, the hold-hand light on!"
The hold-hand light.
All their flight attendants
old, black men... with attitude problems.
Let me tell you what happen, right.
I was sitting in the emergency, right? This a true story.
I'm in the emergency seat.
And you know they supposed to give you directions,
or make sure you can save people?
He came over there with attitude.
"Goddamn it, let me ask you something.
If this plane go down, what the hell you gonna do for us?"
"What the hell you mean?"
"Are you Wesley Snipes or not?!"
(laughs): Can't save you.
(laughs)
Passenger 57.
I love being Wesley Snipes dark.
There's some perks.
It don't mean nothing when you're a kid though.
(laughs)
Can't see none of your school pictures-- all teeth.
Like, look at them teeth, golly.
Look at them fourth-grade teeth.
(laughs)
So happy to be here, man.
You know, you know, I'm married.
Anybody else?
(scattered cheers)
Yeah, don't clap if you ain't happy. Don't do it.
People here with attitudes.
"How you know, fam?"
Let me say this.
You don't understand, when you get married,
that's when you start noticing things.
Like, I didn't know women wore wigs until I said "I do."
I did not know that.
I thought my wife had--
I thought she was getting her hair done every day, fresh.
I didn't know she had a wig game.
Soon as we got married,
I couldn't even sleep the first night.
She had a bunch of dummies on the dresser.
I'm like, "Who are you?
Who are you?!"
All them damn wigs on the damn dresser.
Then they leave the wig anywhere.
I got about, like, five PlayStations,
'cause she want to leave hair-- wig hair on the PlayStation.
You know how hard it is to explain to some kid
at a GameStop what's wrong with your PlayStation?
"Did you, uh, keep it on?"
"Nah, there's some wig hair in there. Um..."
(laughs)
She get drunk and throw it off.
I love going out
where you see females with the wigs
and they forget they got it on; you ever see that?
It gets so hot in the club, they get to digging in it.
(laughing manically)
Nah, too late, mother...
I saw the (bleep) do-rag.
(laughter, applause)
But let me say this, ladies.
Look, don't clap; I ain't done.
'Cause you might not like me if you wear a wig.
But I'm gonna say this, I'd rather buy you a wig.
It's cheaper, okay?
It's way cheaper than getting your hair done.
I'd rather take you wig shopping, okay?
We take you wig shopping, we go to the best beauty supply
money can buy, and I'll get you the best wig
that you could ever buy.
We walk in there, they got to get your wig down with a stick.
That's how expensive your wig is.
I walk in, there's a dude with a stick.
"Oh, you want the human hair, hold on.
"Oh, yeah.
"Must be a baller, yo.
"We got to keep the human hair up here.
Yo, them crackheads steal human hair in our store."
Some of y'all got money.
Y'all ain't never seen the stick man before.
When you live in a messed up neighborhood,
the stick man exists.
'Cause the dope fiends steal everything.
So they got to keep everything high up.
You go in our grocery store, they get stuff down with a stick
they ain't supposed to.
"Hold on, you want the two percent whole milk.
"Well, these crackheads are stealing
"the hell out this milk.
Goddamn."
Who the hell buying bootleg milk?
Who on the streets buying milk from a crackhead?
"Let me smell it."
Some of y'all live in good neighborhoods, boy.
Your neighborhood terrible, the Walgreens ain't... (laughs)
If your neighborhood bad, Walgreens lock everything up.
There's stuff locked up that ain't supposed to be locked up,
'cause it's personal.
You got to ring a doorbell...
(laughs) just to get some deodorant.
That's some bullshit. Really?
And the Walgreens employee
always act like you bothering him.
(sighs) "All right, what you need, brother? What?
"Which one of these deodorants you want?
"Show me the money first.
"I'm not unlocking this until you show me $4.84!
"And we don't take debit.
"You ain't got no RushCard, do you?
"We don't do RushCards in Walgreens over here.
Ain't no damn money on that shit."
So, why the hell you need to see the money?
(laughs)
I guess he had some crackheads run in there,
put the deodorant on and put it back.
(laughs)
Like, they got mad.
"Aw, damn, I bought the sport, I wanted cool rush."
Dope fiends ruin everything.
Your neighborhood poor, everything gets bad.
Chuck E. Cheese, you know.
You go to a Chuck E. Cheese in a bad neighborhood,
those people never watch their kids.
Like, ghetto people are terrible.
They let their kids run rampant.
You know, they beating up all the other kids and...
You know, I'm gonna tell y'all a true story, right.
So, I'm at Chuck E. Cheese for my son birthday.
And I went back to the table 'cause the food was ready.
I went to go check on the food, and I went to go back to him,
and he was getting hit in the head.
You know that little game with the mallet?
With the things come up and they do like this. You know...
So, this little boy is banging him, like...
Mallet in the head.
Just killing him with the mallet.
And my ignorant-ass son, he throwing his coins at his shoe
and his tickets, like, he act like the dude winning.
That's why he keep hitting him, like...
(mocking laugh)
"You're disgusting."
So, I go over there to say something to the little boy.
Let me say this; look, ghetto people
do not watch their kids, but they always say something to you
as soon as you say something to their damn kid.
This hood rat come out of nowhere,
you know what I'm saying?
White people, I'm putting y'all on game.
Okay, just so you know.
If you ain't never seen a hood rat,
look, you ever see a female talk with her hand like this,
watch them.
Be scared.
You see this coming, you better run, you hear me?
You see this...
Run!
So, look, I say something to the little boy.
I'm, like, hey-- And I ain't even get--
I'm being so respectable.
I'm not even being a jerk.
I'm, like, "Hey, hey, look guy, hey, brother, look here, man.
"Why you hitting him with the mallet?
"Man, ain't no-- You hurting him, man.
He about to cry."
She's like, uh, "Excuse us!"
"Why don't you calm down first.
"Uh, don't get an attitude.
"Your son has actually been hitting my son
"with this un-softened mallet.
"You know, there's metal in there.
"They just put a little leather thing on it,
but there's nothing there soft to help the kid..."
"Okay, are you serious?
"Why are you doing this?
"They playing.
Mind your goofy-ass business, damn."
What the (bleep)?
"Why you not watching your kids?"
"I don't need to watch them, they watch themselves.
"We at Chuck E. Cheese!
The band is watching them."
"That band ain't real, you idiot.
That's not real, it's a machine."
"They watching him!"