- SAY HELLO TO OUR GUEST DJ.
THAT'S LONI LOVE OVER THERE, EVERYBODY.
[cheers and applause]
HAVE A SEAT.
OH, BOY. NOW--SEE, ISN'T THAT FUN TO DO?
I DO IT BACKSTAGE,
AND EVERYBODY IS LIKE, "WHY DO YOU DO THAT?"
'CAUSE IT'S FUN, AND THE HIGHER YOU CAN THROW IT,
THE MORE FUN IT IS.
- YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T HAVE TO DO ALL OF THAT.
I DO THIS, LIKE...
[laughter]
- IT'S NOT AS FUN.
WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING OVER THERE?
YOU GOT SOME BROWN LIQUOR IN THERE?
- WELL, I SEE YOU GOT THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT,
SO I'M HAVING A LITTLE HOLIDAY SPIRIT, SO...
- A LITTLE HOLIDAY SPIRIT?
[laughter and applause]
SO IF YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING, YOU KNOW THAT I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO HELP LONI FIND A BOYFRIEND.
I GOT AHOLD OF CHRISTIANMINGLE.COM,
AND I CHANGED HER PROFILE ON THERE.
AND IT'S UPDATED, IT'S THERE, AND I'M NOT KIDDING AROUND,
WE'VE GOTTEN RESPONSES ALREADY.
IT'S BEEN, LIKE, TWO DAYS OR SOMETHING IT'S BEEN UP THERE.
- WELL, WHO WOULDN'T WANT THE HOTNESS, OKAY?
- YEAH.
[cheers and applause]
WHAT YOU GOT?
LET ME SEE WHAT YOU GOT?
- ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA READY A COUPLE TO YOU, ALL RIGHT?
- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS RYAN TOSSAVOK, I BELIEVE, IN CHICAGO, ILLINOIS.
HE SAYS, "HEY, LONI, I'M 21,
"AND AS YOU CAN TELL, I'M A WHITE BOY.
"I'M CHRISTIAN.
"I'M READY TO MINGLE.
"I THINK YOU'RE PERFECT.
"YOU REMIND ME OF MY COFFEE: HOT AND BLACK.
I HOPE YOU PICK ME."
[cheers and applause]
- THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
- DOUGLAS, UM, EBBE?
EBAY? EBBE?
IN FORT WAYNE, INDIANA.
"HEY, HEY, I'M 31, AND I GREW UP ON A FARM."
[cheers and applause]
I GREW UP ON A FARM
I BELIEVE LOVE IS OUT THERE WAITING FOR ME.
I LOVE THOSE WHISKEY WOMEN
AND CAN'T WAIT TO MEET THE BROWN LIQUOR LOVER.
HOPE YOU LIKE MY PICTURE.
[cheers and applause]
- YEAH.
OH.
- THIS IS FROM CONNOR BLAINE IN BELLE RIVER, MICHIGAN.
"HELLO, LADIES. MY NAME IS CONNOR.
I'M 16 YEARS OLD."
[laughter]
- REALLY? MOVE--NEXT.
- WAIT A MINUTE. LET ME--
"I'M A CORN-FED WHITE BOY, AND I HAVE ALL MY TEETH.
"IT'S NO SECRET THAT LONI LOVES YOUNGER BOYS,
"AND AGE IS JUST A NUMBER.
I CAN'T WAIT TO TAP THAT."
[laughter]
ALL RIGHT.
- [laughs]
ALL RIGHT.
- HEY, IF HE CAN AFFORD AN XBOX,
HE CAN AFFORD TO TAKE ME TO PANDA EXPRESS,
SO HE ALL RIGHT WITH ME.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, BUT WAIT.
THOSE ARE ALL GREAT, BUT THIS IS THE VERY FIRST ONE WE GOT.
AND I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE.
HIS NAME IS VITO PETRUSI.
HE LIVES IN LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.
HERE'S HIS PICTURE. DO WE HAVE HIS PICTURE?
- OH.
- "I SAW LONI PERFORM AT THE ICEHOUSE IN PASADENA
"SEVEN YEARS AGO, AND I NEVER FORGOT
"HOW BEAUTIFUL HER EYES ARE.
P.S. I LIKE MY LIQUOR LIKE I LOVE MY WOMEN: BROWN."
- OOH.
OH.
- AND HE WAS LOCAL, AND I THOUGHT,
"I'M NOT SPENDING MONEY ON AIRFARE,"
SO I GOT HIM.
WELL, LET'S TRY IT LOCAL FIRST, AND THEN IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT,
WE'LL GO TO THE 16 YEAR OLD, BUT LET'S TRY...
[laughter]
ALL RIGHT?
- OKAY. - SO HE'S HERE.
HE'S HERE TODAY. - OH, HE'S HERE.
[cheers and applause]
- OH, YEAH.
YOU PEOPLE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND HOW TELEVISION WORKS.
WE HAVE TO HOLD THAT.
WE'RE NOT SHOWING IT YET.
WE'RE GONNA BRING HIM OUT A LITTLE LATER,
AND WE'LL ALL WATCH THE MAGIC HAPPEN,
AND HOPEFULLY....
ALL RIGHT?
[cheers and applause]
YEAH.
IT WOULD BE AMAZING IF YOU ACTUALLY REALLY HIT IT OFF,
Y'ALL LIKE EACH OTHER.
- I'M GONNA NEED SOME MORE SPIRITS, SO KEEP GOING.
- LIKE I SAID, IF YOU'RE JUST TUNING IN,
I WAS TRYING TO HOOK UP-- SHE WANTED TO TAP SOMETHING,
AND...SO ARE YOU READY TO MEET THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS?
REALLY, I MEAN, I LOVE WHAT HE SAID IN THE LETTER,
BUT HIS PROFILE REALLY GOT TO ME,
BECAUSE HE SAYS THAT HE LOVES LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST.
HE WANTS SOMEONE WITH A BIG HEART AND A LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE.
HE VOLUNTEERS AND BIG BROTHERS AND BIG SISTERS
AND THE MARINE ANIMAL SANCTUARY.
AND IF THAT'S NOT A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN,
THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS, SO ARE YOU READY TO MEET HIM?
- YEAH. - ALL RIGHT.
HIS NAME IS VITO PETRUSI.
COME ON OUT, VITO.
[cheers and applause]
- HE'S CUTE.
HE'S CUTE.
LOOKIT.
- HI.
HI. ALL RIGHT.
- HOW ARE YOU?
HE'S CUTE.
YOU LOOK LIKE A LITTLE ITALIAN PAPA SMURF.
I LIKE THAT.
CUTE.
[cheers and applause]
[jingle bells ringing]