- I think the term munchies, the word munchies,
too damn cube to describe the actual horror that happens.
That is too cute of a word.
It sounds like baby talk, you know, like,
someone's got the munchies.
Highly inappropriate.
That's like saying,
that's like saying this dude, this dude is not a killer.
Nah, he just had a case of the stabbies.
Aw, shanky, shanky, shanky.
I started using Visine.
That is a powerful drug.
I thought it was an eye moisturizer,
but Visine would change the color of your eyeball,
like instantaneously.
I did a test one time, I put Visine in one eye,
just one eye,
I looked in the mirror, did a side by side comparison.
Control group was red per usual.
Test subject was white,
but like way too white.
Like between the two of them, this one was more suspicious.
This one's like, maybe I have allergies.
This one's like, bitch I didn't smell nothing.
[Applause]
- I live, I live in Chinatown,
'cause that's where I got assigned.
[Applause]
- There's a restaurant in my neighborhood.
There's a, there's a restaurant called the Sheng Wang,
spelled exactly like my name.
All my friends insist that I have to go eat there.
Secretly I agree, but I don't know why.
I don't know what kind of fantasy we expect to pan out.
Like I'll walk in there.
Everyone freaks out.
They're like, oh my God, it's him.
We've been waiting for you.
The prophecy has begun.
I look around, there's baby pictures of me everywhere.
I realized that I have an irrational fear of rats.
I did not know there was going to be so much wildlife
in this city.
One night I was walking home really late.
I walked past this huge pile of garbage,
and inside one particular trash bag
was a whole lot of movement going on inside the bag.
Like real aggressive but unidentified rustling.
I was so frightened.
My only thought was, oh my God, I hope that's a baby.
Please, please just be a toddler in a bag.
That's how much I hate rats.
They make child endangerment comforting.
I saw a baseball game once, it was all right.
The most exciting part for me was,
I found in a restaurant at this ballpark.
The restaurant was called Crazy Crab'z,
but they spelled crabs CRAB'Z.
Apostrophe, Z.
How do you simultaneously disregard and comply with grammar?
We all know you substitute the Z for the S,
you make that word more hip, more edgy.
But for clarification, that edginess is not plural.
It's possessive.
Apparently you don't come here to eat a whole lot of crabs.
You come here because this one crazy ass crab
that owns this joint.
He's nuts.
You don't even serve seafood.
It's Crazy Crab'z.
How's the prime ribs?