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-It's "Weekend Update" with...
and...
♪♪
-Good evening, everyone.
-Welcome to "Weekend Update."
I'm Michael Che.
-I'm Colin Jost.
President Biden marked the end of his first year in office
with a two-hour press conference because that's how long it took
to list everything that's gone wrong.
It was actually the longest
presidential press conference in history,
but as I've been told many times before,
just because you went for a long time
doesn't mean you did a good job.
-Senate Republicans lined up to shake Krysten Sinema's hand
after she voted against changing the filibuster
to pass voting rights.
Ah, the U.S. Senate...
Senator Bernie Sanders suggested that he supports replacing
fellow Democrats Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema.
Damn, Bernie, stabbing your own coworkers in the back?
That's unforgivable!
I would never suggest Colin should be fired,
no matter how much better I think Bowen would be.
Several Trump White House staff members
told the January 6th Committee
that, if Trump made an unscripted statement
in the middle of the attack,
he would've made the situation worse.
And I think that's a pretty sound argument.
No one has ever been like, "You know who would be perfect
to de-escalate the situation?
Donald Trump."
Like if he was trying to talk someone
off a ledge, he be like --
[ As Trump ] Don't jump.
Even though your wife left you like a dog
and this would be the perfect way to get back at her.
-On his first day in office,
Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin signed an executive order
banning the teaching of critical race theory,
which really isn't that surprising,
coming from a guy who dresses like Leo in "Django Unchained."
A new study shows that the COVID vaccine
does not cause infertility in men or women.
Damn it, why did I get this?!
-This week, Britain's most eligible bachelor,
Prince Andrew...
...officially deleted his Twitter account,
after he realized that's not the app
with all the dancing teenagers.
-This week, NBC announced
that it will not be sending any correspondents
to the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing.
Here to comment is Chinese Trade Minister
and Games organizer Chen Biao.
-♪ I never been with a trade daddy, aye ♪
What's up, Che Diaz?
-I told you, I don't get that reference.
So how is Beijing feeling about the Olympics?
-Oh, we are pumped!
Everyone loves the Winter Olympics!
Sliding down snow, sliding down ice.
Gravity's got a point and she is the moment.
-Well, how does China feel
about NBC not sending correspondents?
-Oh, we're fine.
Are you guys okay?
NBC is announcing the games
from their studios in Connecticut.
You know what else films in Connecticut?
"Maury."
Good luck commentating over cries of,
"You are not the father!"
I mean, how are you going to describe the atmosphere
in the stadium? Like,
"Uh, the vibe is 2:00 am in Stamford?"
Have fun walking home at that hour from Metro-North, Grayson.
-Who is Grayson? -Probably some coked-out
finance guy trying to find his Escort
in the Wendy's parking lot.
-Anyway, journalists that are in Beijing
say the city is completely locked down.
-Well, it's just for COVID safety
and the protocols aren't even that restrictive.
It's [ Clapping ] plane, COVID test,
bus, another test,
another test, speed skating,
anal swab.
-Anal swab?
-It's accurate and it's fun.
-Okay, but lots of journalists are bringing burner phones
to avoid being tracked.
-Burner phones?
What is this, "The Wire"?
Must be Season 2 because you're White and no one cares.
-Well, the bigger story is that several countries,
including the U.S., are planning diplomatic boycotts
over China's human rights violations.
-Human rights?
Um, we don't have that.
Plus, is this the face of a country
that would violate human rights?
Meet official Games mascot Bing Dwen Dwen.
As you can see, he's a panda going to a rave.
I don't know. I designed him while I was on ketamine.
[ Laughs ]
He's going to try and hook up with Shaun White!
-Great. So what do you have planned
for the opening ceremonies?
-Okay, well, press release --
I'm performing in it. [ Laughter ]
The vibe is going to be like Beychella
meets Wong Kar-wai film,
meets Dave Chappelle standup special.
-How is it going to be like
Dave Chappelle's standup special?
-There's going to be a lot of people protesting after.
-Look, Chen, like you're really making light
of some serious issues.
-Okay, fine. You want me to get real?
Look, we're hosting the Winter Olympics
because no one else stepped up.
It's our party and we'll spy, if we want to.
The IOC chose China and y'all knew what you were getting into,
so, now what, we're in bed and you have post-nut clarity?
[ Scoff ]
Whatever. Flop!
If you need me, I'll be skiing the slopes
in my Gaga House of Gucci ski goggles!
Father, Son,
House of Daddy.
-Chen Biao, everybody.
-Send Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski, at least!
-Okay, yeah.
[ Laughs ]
-M&M's announced that they've redesigned
their iconic M&M characters,
after people requested that the brown M&M not look like
a teacher who has sex with her students.
-In a new documentary,
an ex-girlfriend of Prince Andrew
describes Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell
as Batman and Robin.
Come on, what does Batman and Robin have in common
with a billionaire that grooms teenagers?
-Gen Z icon Kyle Rittenhouse...
...is petitioning the court for the return of his rifle,
so he can destroy it.
I don't know. Careful, Kyle.
Trying to get your memorabilia back
is how they finally got O.J.
In a new interview, Bono reveals
that he never liked the name U2, adding,
"I also kinda hate Ireland."
-Actor Jon Voight recently released a video
claiming that Abraham Lincoln's spirit was guiding Donald Trump.
Hopefully, not to a theater.
-A long-time director of "Wheel of Fortune"
has died at the age of 92.
Said "Wheel of Fortune" viewers,
"Wow, so young."
-Aw.
-Amazon announced that their new
"Lord of the Rings" TV series
will be called "Rings of Power,"
though, I'm personally more excited for the spinoff...
Well -- -[ Laughs ]
-shiver me timbers,
it's cold here at 30 Rock.
Here to talk about staying cozy in the winter weather
is our very own Sarah Sherman.
-Hi, Colin!
-Hey, Sarah.
So you're here to talk
about the winter?
-That's right. Winter rocks!
All the bugs are dead.
It's amazing.
-Oh, okay, so you don't mind the cold at all?
-Colin, I'm cozy all winter long.
I got pubes thicker than cloves.
-Alight.
You don't have to talk about your pubes, Sarah.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
Does the bush stuff make you uncomfortable?
-I mean, don't know, a little.
-Oh, okay. I'm sorry.
This just in!
Local female body inspector Colin Jost
wished his female coworker had hairless genitals,
like a blowup doll.
Now back to you, Colin.
-[ Laughing ] That's not --
I don't care about your body hair.
-Wow, Colin!
Careful how you talk about my body.
I'm basically your son's age.
So you're like six months old?
-Yo wish, sicko!
You'd kill to change my diaper, wouldn't you?
-[ Laughing ] Oh, my God.
Sarah, that's disgusting.
-Oh, you think that's disgusting?
You know what's disgusting?!
The cost of housing in New York, Colin!
[ Cheering ] Can you believe --
Yeah! Can you believe?
Can you believe I have to pay $200 a month?
-You pay $200 for rent. Where do you live?
-Wow!
Breaking news.
Hamptons homeowner Colin Jost mocks struggling comedian
for finding a good deal
by living in his doghouse.
-[ Laughs ]
You live in my doghouse?
Look, Sarah, what do you want from me?
-$6,000.
-I'm not giving you six grand.
-Your funeral.
In other news,
wealth-hoarding Hollywood husband Colin Jost
has not a dime to spare
for "SNL's" underpaid rookie,
even though she was going to donate that money
to St. Jude's Children's Hospital.
-You didn't say that!
-And another thing.
Can we talk about you and Che?
It's always "Will they, won't they?" with you two.
Alright? Why don't you just get it over with
and make out already?
-No, I'm --
[ Cheering and applause ] I'm not --
Alright. Alright.
No, no.
I'm not --
I'm not kissing Che.
-Wrong answer.
This just in.
Local sex bigot Colin Jost
violently rejects radical act of queer interracial love.
-You are so small-minded, Colin.
-Alright, fine.
You want to kiss? Let's do it. Okay?
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey.
-Breaking news!
Queerbaiting "Update" anchor Colin Jost
pretends to be gay for laughs.
-Damn, Colin, you are the worst.
-Sarah Sherman, everyone.
-I want you guys to kiss!
-Unbelievable.
Officials in Hong Kong announced that,
after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for COVID,
they had to kill more than 2,000 of the pets.
Okay, but they didn't have to do it in front of the class.
Yeah.
-A man in Canada stole an $8,000 guitar
by hiding it in his pants.
Police caught the man when he got an erection
and it sounded like this.
[ Electric guitar rock sting plays ]
-Scientists have trained a goldfish to drive a car.
They believe it's the first step
to eventually training women.
-Dwayne --
[ Laughter ]
Dwayne Johnson said that a skull of a T.Rex
seen behind him during a recent interview
was a replica, and not the real thing.
Johnson also said it's just a coincidence
that his diet calls for 1,000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day.
-The oldest living person in the United States
died this week at the age of 115.
It's a powerful reminder to always
test your cocaine for fentanyl.
-The NFL playoffs continue this weekend.
Here with his tailgating tips is A Guy Who Just Bought a Boat.
-Hey, hey.
[ Laughs ]
♪ Are you ready for some deez balls? ♪
It's good to be chere.
-I really hated that opening.
-Hey, Colin, haven't seen you
since that party we had to get COVID on purpose.
Great idea, by the way...
-No -- -...CoJo, yeah.
-I have no idea what you're talking about.
-Got it. -No.
-That's true.
My bro-bro from a no-ho here
told me the same thing that many women have --
"Let's just get this over with."
-No, that did not happen, no.
-It did. Anyway,
it's football sleason and, if you want to nail your date,
you're going to have to tail some gate, m'kay?
If you want to touch down there,
here are some just the tips to turn her tight end
into a wide receiver.
[ Laughter and ohs ]
Make your starting -- Oh.
Make -- Huh. Here we go.
You're not going to like this, guys.
Make your starting lineup some beautiful cans, m'kay?
I'm talking about brewskis.
Give her some Yuenglings to get her tingling
and, pretty soon, you'll be like a running back,
pounding it up the middle.
I have a small penis.
Got there. -What was that?
-I have a small penis.
-Yeah. -What, are you new here?
Hey, wait.
Is something... different around here?
I'm getting some sort of message,
like a blipper from another skipper.
Yep, my tighty whiteys' Spidey sense is tingling.
Oh! Someone bought a boat.
-No, I don't think --
I don't know. -Yeah.
[ Drums ] -I don't really know
what you're talking about. -I'm getting word
in my side piece, breaking news.
My boy CoyJoy and "SNL" Boy Toy
are saying, "Ahoy-hoy" to an aquatic toy-toy.
That's right, Colin and Pete bought a ferryboat.
-Alright, well, fine. Here to talk about it is
A Guy Who Just Bought a Ferry.
-Whoa!
Hey!
-Hey!
We bought a ferry!
The windowless van of the sea.
-Yeah, yeah.
It's very exciting.
We thought the whole thing through.
-Yeah. I know. Even the mayor tweeted about it,
which is how I found out we have a new mayor?
What happened to Bloomberg?
-I don't know.
You know, Pete, we did a sketch about the new mayor last week.
-Oh, yeah, I'm gone as soon as my last sketch is over.
-Wait, so you guys bought it together,
pulling a double teamer on this steamer?
Ha ha. Me likey.
Way to get your decks wet, boys.
Classic boat owner behavior.
-Actually, actually, there's a third partner.
-I'm glistening.
-We bought it with this guy,
Pauly Italia, which is the name of a real person
and not a Mafia-themed wrestler.
But we're boat people now, Colin.
I mean, you always were.
You look like, you know, you own the yacht
they rent out for rap videos.
-That's true.
-We are having trouble finding a place to dock, though.
-Oh, fellas, this happens to me all the time.
Look, just start poking around downtown.
It'll eventually slip in somewhere.
My thingy is a dinghy.
-Well, actually, our boat is 300 feet long.
-Ew. Look,
it's the width that counts.
Mine's like a tuna can.
Whoo.
-Also, we just keep --
We just -- -Look at us,
three peas in a pod. -No. Okay.
We're going to keep the boat docked, you know?
It's not going to move under its own power.
-You're my best friend, Colin Jost.
Wait, so you're both just going to lay there?
Tight. That's just like me.
There's no motion in this ocean.
When you're scootin' pooners on this schooner,
all are bored! [aboard]
Fellas, there's no shame in paying for a tug.
CoJo knows what I'm talking about.
Give it here.
-[ High-pitched ] So, it's like with your penis.
-Oh, Pete!
Like for a boat!
Three Guys Who Just Bought a Boat, everyone.
-Hey!
-For "Weekend Update," I'm Colin Jost.
-I'm Michael Che. Good night.
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