Let's go.
Hey, I'm Rebecca Zung.
I’m an attorney, a best-selling author and a narcissist negotiation expert.
I'm here to give you tips, tricks, and real resources
on how to outsmart and negotiate with narcississts.
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All right, so let's dive in and give you the top 10 ways
to actually outsmart narcissists, in a way that you do it
without backlash, without them freaking out on you,
without you ending up going “Oh, my God,
how in the heck am I going to do this and come out unscathed?”
because you know how they are, they end up flipping their lid, right?
I mean that narcissistic injury gets triggered and
that narcissistic rage comes flying out.
They want to punish you,
they want to make sure that you never do that again,
they want to make sure that you stay under their
little like finger, their web of control.
I was actually just talking to somebody this morning and
they were like, I don't know how I'm going to do this.
I don't know how am I going to scape.
This person I was talking to this morning
is living with it for 30 years and just now
trying to figure out how to escape plotting, and
planning and making sure she does it the right way and
outsmarting the narcissist and that's what I'm going to do.
So, by the end of this video, you're going to have 10.
I'm going to start with number 10 and
we're going to work our way backwards so that
you stay all the way to the end to get number one.
Ready? Number ten.
They want you to take the bait, that's what they do.
I mean, I remember dealing with a family member
who was a narcissist and he would be like
you get into it with him and he'd be like
“yeah, yeah, now we're having a conversation”.
I mean, he wanted you to get into the mud with him and
once you're down in that mud, that's
when they feel like now they have you, right?
So, when they get emotional and
they get you to get emotional, then
they know that they've got you into that vortex,
they're pulling you in and when they freak out and
you freak out and you match their level, you're in it.
When they go here, and you stay here and
you stay calm, you've outsmarted them
because they don't know how to do that,
they're trying to pull you in and you haven't taken the bait.
That's number 10.
That's one of the ways that you can definitely outsmart them.
Number nine.
Number nine in this, is especially when
you're negotiating with them, because that's my specialty.
That's my sweet spot. That’s my superpower.
That's one of the things I love to do, is negotiate.
So, when you're in the thick of it and you're trying
to negotiate with them, whether it's a business deal,
partnership, client, divorce, whatever it is,
it could be in your own household, who knows?
Maybe it's still a teenager.
I mean, I've been coaching somebody
who's been dealing with a huge family issue
with regards to probate a litigation matter.
Throw out a decoy for what it is that you actually want,
because if they know what you actually want, then
they're going to make it their mission to make sure that
that's the thing that you don't actually get.
Why?
Because they get supply from jerking you around,
remember, right?
The end goal for them is not resolution and
goal for them is supply.
They get supply from jerking you around, intimidating you.
So you can throw out a decoy and then,
you can kind of fit in what it is that
you actually want down the road,
but you're sort of throwing it into a package, and
you sort of, figure out a way to strategically place it in
so that you end up getting what you want.
But maybe they don't necessarily know that
you're ending up getting what you want.
See what I mean?
Alright. Number eight.
You're going to figure out what it is that you want and
then you're going to ask for way more than that,
so much that they end up going “F U, I'm out of here”.
That's kind of a strategy for any kind of negotiation,
by the way,
you are going to ask for more than what you want and
kind of back your way down, but never so much
that you are going to make the other person so angry,
but that's definitely something that you can do.
All right, number seven. I like this one.
I like it because it's a way for you to kind of disengage.
So, you're looking at them and you're kind of going,
I can see that you're angry,
You have to pretend almost like you have
a microphone in your hand and you're reporting the news.
I see that you are upset, I see you being angry,
you kind of like look at them and
you can almost observe their behavior to them and
it starts to disarm them when you do that because
you're actually validating them you are actually
noticing them and empathizing with them and
giving them attention, which is something that they want.
They want to be seen.
All people, like to be seen, heard, and validated.
That's just part of being human and so
that actually helps to start to disarm them.
Actually, I do have a lot more on that in my video
called “Phrases that disarm a narcissists”,
which you can check out if you'd like.
But, you just kind of observe their behavior to them
almost as if you are a third party and
it helps you to disengage as well, by the way.
All right, so that's number seven.
We are working our way down to number one.
When you start getting into
“I never said that. I never did that”
“Oh, how can you say that about me?”
“I'm a great mom.”. “I'm a wonderful father”.
“Look at all the ways that I contributed to this business”.
“Look at all the wonderful things that I've done”.
If you're really dealing with a true narcissist,
the chances of them going “Oh my God, you are right!”
“Oh yes, you have done all of those wonderful things”.
“Hey, I'm the wrong one”.
That’s not going to happen, you know it’s not going to happen.
You’re just like wasting your breath and your air.
So, when they criticize you,
you can just look at them and you go,
“Wow! Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed”
or something like that.
I remember having a family member one time who was like
really upset about something and come over and like,
accused me of something,
that was, like, completely preposterous.
She was like, fighting with her husband and
I wasn’t even involved in the situation at all but
then, she just like came over to me and
went, “and you blah blah blah”.
I just remember looking at her and I went
“traveling with children is so stressful” like
I just didn't even allow it to like come on to me at all.
I didn't even take it on, so when they do that,
you don't defend yourself and it really will help you so much.
You just never try to explain, defend or justify.
It really will help you.
It kind of goes with number six, which is never defend,
number five is never explain or justify,
so, you never try to go no, I did this and I did that,
justify yourself.
I mean, again, it's sort of like defending, you’re kind of giving
credence to them, you’re lending validation to things
that they're saying, and that's what they want,
they want you getting into the mud,
you getting emotional again,
you're giving them supply by doing that, right?
So you don't need to do that.
Number four, we’ll work our way down to number one here,
so stick with me.
S.L.A.Y methodology. L is leverage, S is strategy,
create leverage and then never give it away too early.
So, you do want to create leverage,
which I'm going to give you a little hint.
With narcissists, leverage is always going to be tied up, and
somehow looking at their forms of narcissistic supply because
that's the only thing that ever motivates a narcissist,
like, with other humans, they are motivated by
lots of different things, but with narcissists,
they are really only ever motivated by one thing.
Now, it may be different ways that they get narcissistic supply,
there's definitely a hierarchy of supply,
but they're only ever motivated by supply.
So remember, create leverage and
then, don't give it away too early.
That's number four.
So, be really, really careful about that.
You want to make sure that you are not putting yourself
in a position where that you've given them something
that they can use against you, because they will.
You get angry, you put something in there and
now they've got something, right?
You don't want to have to be on that defensive,
you want to be on the offensive,
you want to be in a position where you can fight back.
Just remember that everything you put
your hand to, is a potential trial exhibit.
Don't put anything in writing that
they can potentially use against you.
Number two.
Number two, we're working our way up
to number one way that you can outsmart the narcissists.
Remember that everything that you are doing,
is kind of really closely related to everything put your hand to
but, everything you're doing, they're going to try
to use everything you do or say against you.
Remember, dealing with a narcissist is like getting arrested.
They're going to try to goad you,
they're going to try to use everything,
they're going to try to use everything you do or say or against you.
They're going to like trick you,
they're going to try to catch you and
even watch for ulterior motive.
I mean, even if they're being nice, love-bombing you,
they’re hoovering you, they're like,
they're doing all these things,
watch for ulterior motives because, you really can't trust them.
Sorry to say.
Alright, that's number two,
ready for number one?
Wipe them from the CPU of your life.
Say bye-bye.
That's the worst thing that you could possibly do
to them, is actually no longer care what they're doing,
because you're no longer giving them supply and
you've moved on and you've healed.
That's the one thing that they really don't want
because you’re no longer affected by them at all.
So, that's how you really outsmart them.
But, of course, obviously when you're still in negotiations
with them, you have to do all of these other things,
create that strategy, create that leverage, you can definitely start
by getting my free “Crush my negotiation” worksheet
at winmynegotiation.com,
joining my free private Facebook group “Narcissist negotiators”.
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Remember today is a great day to start negotiating your best life
I will see you in the next video.
Thanks so much for stopping by!