(audience applauding) - Now, I went for,
I went for a medical assessment recently,
nothing serious, quite a standard medical assessment.
Just sort of height and weight,
and blood pressure and heart rate, that sort of thing.
But I wasn't really looking forward to the weight bit,
'cause I don't have scales at home.
I don't believe in them.
(audience laughing)
I do have kitchen scales now,
and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't
weighed anything of myself in them.
(audience laughing)
Left one's heavier, interesting.
(audience laughing)
But I don't have bathroom scales.
I don't think it's healthy.
Why would I do something every day
that makes me feel a bit shit?
(audience laughing)
So what I do instead, I think a lot of people do this,
it's a much healthier way of doing it.
You just judge it on your clothes, don't you?
Judge it on your clothes,
and then when your clothes start getting a bit tight,
you think, well maybe it's time I went out
and bought bigger clothes.
(audience laughing)
So I told the doctor I wasn't really
looking forward to the weight bit,
but he said, "We still have to do it."
I said, "No, I understand.
"I'm just trying to think of a way
"to make it a bit more fun."
And he said, "Well, what do you suggest?"
I said, "Well, how about this?
"Similar to this.
"How about I guess me own weight?"
And he said, "Okay, we can do that."
So I guess me own weight, and I got it right.
And I was fuckin' thrilled.
(audience laughing) And he just went,
"Nobody's ever been that happy
"about being that weight before."
(audience laughing)
Which I thought was a little mean,
so I said back, perhaps too loudly,
and also I don't know where this came from.
It just fell out of my mouth.
I just went, "It's more important to be right
"than to be thin."
(audience laughing and applauding)
Feels like I might have read it on a T-shirt.
I don't know where that came from,
but if that's gonna be my mantra,
that's quite a good mantra, isn't it?
It's much better than what Kate Moss said.
I don't know if you know this.
Kate Moss, the model, said,
"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."
Let me just say that to you again
so it can properly sink in all of your heads.
She said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."
And I thought, well, she's obviously never had
millionaire shortbread, has she?
(audience laughing)
And my response to her would be,
"Nothing looks as good as not being a cunt."
(audience laughing and cheering)
But I stopped buying women's magazines.
About six months ago I stopped buying women's magazines,
'cause it feels like there's nothing in there for me.
I might as well be buying a magazine about yachts.
There's just nothing in there for me.
Why would I buy anything,
where the only time I ever see anybody
who looks a bit like me is underneath the word before.
(audience laughing)
But women's magazines always maintain
that they're about improving women's lives,
and it's bullshit, 'cause they never,
they never tell you just to see your friends more often
or to read more books.
It's always the physical things
that we're supposed to do to ourselves.
And the list of those things is quite ridiculous.
You can have your eyebrows waxed, your eyelashes tinted,
your skin darkened, your teeth lightened,
manicures, pedicures, cleanse, tone, and moisturise,
I'm 38, I've cleansed, I've moisturised.
I have no idea what tonin' actually is.
(audience laughing)
Does anybody give us a woo if you do?
(audience wooing)
A few of you.
Does anybody wanna shout out what it is?
No.
(Sarah and audience laughing)
I'll woo, but I'm not explaining it to her.
(audience laughing)
Like makeup, I like wearing makeup.
I like wearin' it on stage,
I like wearin' it if I go out somewhere nice,
but I don't think I need to wear it all the time.
And I don't think I look weird if I don't have any on.
I still don't really understand why I paint over
naturally rosy cheeks to then apply rosy cheeks.
(audience laughing)
Like hair removal is a whole subject
all in its own, isn't it?
There's so many different ways,
especially as women, that we can remove our hair.
You can wax, you can shave, you can pluck, you can epilate.
My sister had laser treatment, laser treatment,
which is supposed to be permanent.
She had it to her underarms.
It was quite painful and quite expensive.
And after two months, the whole lot just grew back in.
(audience laughing)
Which is terrible, but does go some way to explainin'
why James Bond was always so nonchalant
when a laser was aimed at his cock and balls.
(audience laughing)
Come back in a couple of months I'll be champion.
(audience laughing)
I realise I've made James Bond a Geordie.
(audience laughing)
Maybe that's the future.
(audience laughing and cheering)
(Sarah laughing)
A few cheers for a James Bond that's Geordie, how nice.
Hello, I'm Sarah Millican.
And thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show
called "Bobby Dazzler."
For all the information about where I'm goin'
and when go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks.