*"Rock n Roll" by Led Zeppelin playing*
We fade in on the cold hand of a dodgy old wanker
Melisandre must have brought Walder back from the dead because fans missed him
Ha ha ha!
Just kidding! It's actually Arya using a very particular set of skills
She poisons all of House Frey
The army of the Dead is moving at maximum speed
Ah fuck's sake, they have a giant
Bran-o is keeping an eye on them though
He and Meera have arrived at the bloody wall
Edd says: "Who the fuck are you?"
Meera says: "Oi, you're talking to a Stark, mate"
"Oh that could be bullshit"
Bran-o monologues in a cynical and truthful manner
So Edd is like: "Yep, okay, okay, it does check out as a Stark"
And yeah nah, that completes the extreme vetting
Cap to Davos thinking about dinner
Jon-o wants to let families who didn't fight keep their castles
Sansa says: "You fucking SJW!"
Jon-o replies: "Fuck your right-wing narrow mind!"
"So much for the tolerant left"
Daavos just wants food
Cersei has drawn a big map, so she can easily see all the people the Lannister have fucking fucked on
Jaime wants to talk about their dead kids
Cersei is sick of her dead kids though, and beelines for her bottle of tawny
Euron Greyjoy rocks up for another episode of "Pirate Wants a Wife"
He has a lot of ships, which is something Cersei is looking for in a fella
She plays hard to get, and he says: "I'm gonna bring you a present"
"You just sit on your spiky throne, I'll bring you a fucking cheeky prezi"
Meanwhile over at Maester School, Sambo is in a world of shit
Literally
If he clocks up 50k debt, and is suddenly unable to get a job after doing this degree
Ha ha!
I am gonna be pissed off
Jon-o better not hire someone else
He doesn't even get a subscription to the best academic journals
Fucking bullshit!
He decides to hack the university to get the best books
Good stuff!
Well played Sambo
There's Podrick
He is hoping to finally graduate from white belt to yellow belt today
Tormund walks around with a stiffy
Little Finger checks in on Sansa's mental health
He's like: "What's wrong? You wanna Netflix and Chill tonight?"
She tells him to get absolutely fucked
He has to look for a Maester to heal the burn
Ed Sheeran and the most wholesome Lannister soldiers in Westeros enjoy a campfire and a sing-along
Arya sits down and thinks about killing these dickheads
But then Garry Good Guy offers her a feed
And talks about how he's always nice to strangers
She's like: "Fuuuuck, he is adorable"
"I mean look at his little face, gee whiz"
She gets totally pummeled with ethics and values
Happy days!
There's the Hound and the Brotherhood Without Banners
The Hound found some dead wankers he once stole some silver from
He decides to give them a little funeral
He also dabbles in some religion
Who would have thought old mate Sandor is quite the spiritual cunt?
Sambo discovers dragon glass at Dragonstone and quickly files off an email to Jon-o
He then discovers Jorah Mormont is in the sick bay
It's gotta be so hard not to pick all of those scabs
Finally Daenerys makes it to Dragonstone
And the kids quickly race in to choose their bedrooms
She creates a little bit of art, prepares to redecorate, and finds a vintage chair
Wormsy wants to sit on it but gets denied
Tyrion and Dani are like: "Okay, hands off cocks, on with socks"
"Let's fucking get stuck into some work"
*"Where Everybody Knows Your Name" by Gary Portnay playing*
Yeah, I also wanna be where everyone knows my name
Welcome back ladies and gents!
I reckon me favourite scene in this episode has got to be that opening one
That shit was a lot of fun
Brutal, fucking brutal
Arya killed a whole room of people to satisfy her thirst for revenge
But I'm gonna assume they were all 100% cockheads, and no innocent lives were taken
That's gonna help me mentally
I also loved the montage of Sam working at the Citadel
We've seen heads explode and people chopped in half
Yet I reckon this sequence could end up being quite high on a list of most disgusting scenes ever in Game of Thrones
I also genuinely enjoyed the Euron Greyjoy scene
Beyond the punk rock outfit and the wittiness of the dialogue
The reason I like it, is because he was given a juicy chunk of the time code
We can see that he is menacing, and unhinged
Yet he's a smart fucker, he knows what the Lannister need
His character is more intriguing than he was last year
Anything to do with the Hound is always fun
He's such a rounded character
I hope he doesn't get too fanatic over this religious shit like Stann-o Baratheon though
I'll accept it, if he wants to dabble in it, that's his choice
But proceed with caution, mate
Jon-o and Sansa powers struggles
Books and science are awesome
And although Cersei is on the throne
The Lannister are vulnerable as fuck
There's too many scenes to cover so let's break it down in the comments there
Oh, I didn't mind the wholesome Lannister soldiers scene
We were beaten over the head with it, I get it, they're good blokes
He's got a dad
He's got a child
Sharing is caring, I get it
Good fellas
But yeah, the core purpose of it: to bring Arya back down to Earth
And have some humanity again is top-notch stuff
She killed a whole fucking room of people
Although it's great for her and Sansa to become callous and ruthless in this universe
We don't wanna see Starks become ignorant psychopaths
This episode is called Dragonstone
And thematically I reckon it's about everyone having a home they wanna return to or protect
Everyone's got one
Dragonstone is Dani's ancestral home, and she returns to it
Bran-o is finally coming back into the big smoke
Having only just returned home, Jon-o wants to make sure there's unity in the North
Gary Good Guy 1 and Gary Good Guy 2, they both have homes
Sandor is adrift a bit, he returns to a home he once spent a little bit of time in
And binding this thing together is actually Cersei talking about all of her enemies
East, West, North, South
This big fuck-off map on the ground reminds us that Westeros is everyone's home
And although there's mass war, and conflict
A few smart wankers understand that it is everyone's home
And it needs to be collectively protected from global warming-
I mean, aliens-
I MEAN, the army of the dead
Who wants to destroy it all
This is big folks, this shit is massive
It's huge, ah it's huge
*quietly* Not fake news it's fucking huge
CHEERS!
[Outro Music]