Oh hey everybody. This week on Ask Cristen I’m talking about pregnancy loss and infertility
which are two things we don’t talk about nearly enough.
This week’s Ask Cristen questions actually came in response to a video I made this time
last year about how Mother’s Day can be a difficult time for people who grew up say
without a mom or in kind of a ‘Mommy Dearest’ situation or just with a generally difficult
woman who is particularly manipulative even on days that are supposedly all about her.
For the record I’m not talking about my own mom. Nance is a champ. [Bell chimes].
In those video comments I got a lot of requests to talk about infertility, miscarriage and
related issues because those can also make Mother’s Day or Father’s Day a really
tough time for people who are struggling to become parents or to become parents to another
child. Plain Jac asked, ‘Could you please do a video on the stigma about infertility?
I am going through the in vitro fertilization process and find it hard to talk about it
because I am so young no one believes I actually have a problem.’ Catherine Barclay also
asked, ‘Please do a video about not being able to have kids! I don’t think I will
be able to have children, not because of infertility but because I have huge mental health problems.’
A lot of people probably don’t know that 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage.
Or that up to 25% of couples around the world deal with infertility whether it’s difficulty
conceiving their first or second child. These issues can be really challenging and these
issues are often privately dealt with because again it’s something that isn’t polite
to talk about. I can’t speak firsthand to these issues so for that reason I wanted to
share some of the letters that my Stuff Mom Never Told You co-host Caroline and I received
in response to an episode that we did on infertility and miscarriage because in no way can statistics
convey the psychological and emotional experience of what this is like. Beth wrote, ‘To make
a long story short my husband and I were diagnosed with ‘unexplained infertility’ about 18
months into our deliberate efforts to get pregnant. Thanks to the journey of infertiligy
I believe I will be better off for the rest of my life. As you said in your podcast infertility
is often a diagnosis people take on in silence. Since the birth of my son I have made a personal
commitment to fearlessly talk about my experience. My hope is that by doing this I can help one
woman at least feel less alone.’ Karen wrote, ‘My daughter is infertile. It was discovered
at the age of 16 when she hasn't started mensruating that she has no uterus due to a birth defect.
Just wanted your listeners to know there are other types of infertility out there. Let's
not forget those who have lost a uterus to cancer or traumatic abdominal injury, or a
tiny glitch in neural tube development before their first breath.’ Becky wrote, ‘My
husband and I have been going through infertility for over a year and a half. Through that time
I've felt very invisible a lot of times. Hearing your podcast felt so refreshing. It even brought
me to tears! This process has been so rough, it felt so good to not be invisible.’ Jeremy
wrote in sharing the experience of his son’s death after a pre-term delivery. ‘Since
our son's loss we have continued to try without success. Over the years we have endured numerous
expensive, invasive, painful, and demoralizing fertility treatments and my wife is forced
to bear the brunt of it. You are both so right about how infertility is often considered
a woman's issue when in reality infertility can be caused by either partner and the psychological
effects of infertility affect both men and women. I have shed so many tears over our
son's loss and our inability to conceive that it would be impossible to count the number
of times I've cried. I have been very open about our loss since it happened and the length
of our struggle to conceive in an effort to spread awareness, to start these conversations
that need to happen.’ Liz wrote, ‘I’ve been dealing with infertility for about 2
years now. It is sad that it is such a shameful and taboo topic. I do not think it should
be a disability because like you said that should not define us. Here's to the hope of
changing the stigma and educating others.’ Finally, Emily wrote, ‘My husband is the
reason we are infertile. His body does not create sperm. We are Mormons and Christians,
and going to church every Sunday with a congregation of believers who focus constantly on building
family has been an incredibly difficult adjustment. Mother's Day and Father's Day are both painful
holidays.’ Now dear listeners if you’re comfortable, I would love to hear your thoughts
and experiences on these issues in the comments below. Thanks to everybody who watched and
commented on last week’s Ask Cristen video, ‘Are Gender Neutral bathrooms dangerous?’
Acquavallo commented, ‘I’m going to school in France and all the bathrooms are gender
neutral. I haven’t seen anything bad and they’re full of hormonal young adults’.
But no one is skipping class to go grope girls in the gender neutral bathrooms.’ Nick S.
commented, ‘As a trans person, I have rules: Go to the bathroom before you leave the house.
Know who has single person bathrooms. These are the safest option. If you have to go and
can’t leave, hold it. If I REALLY,’ all caps, ‘have to go, I go home. I know too
many people who have gotten bladder infections, UTIs, even kidney infection because of this
and it’s terrible, but never know if that guy in the bathroom you’re about to go into
is the type to try and bounce your head into the sink.’ As always dear friends, ask me
your questions so I can give you some answers.