Today I'm going to tell you about the worst day of my life.
Dad, why do we need to buy so much stuff?
Yup, when I was in a Chinese sitcom.
When I was 16, I went to China for a year as an exchange student.
Being from Sweden, most people wanted to go to the States or to Spain,
but I was really obsessed with this idea of going to China.
My main reason being that I thought it would be like "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon."
How would your type of sly old foxes ever see the real me!
It wasn't!
Thus began the most miserable year of my life.
I lived in a city called He Fei and there were hardly any foreigners there so when this Chinese
sitcom needed somebody to play an American wife, they were basically, like,
"Hey, you're a white girl! Do you want to play this guy's American wife?"
And I was like, "I'm 16 and can barely speak Chinese."
But they were like, "No, no worries you'll only have two lines. You'll be fine."
So I agreed, and the day before the shoot I get the manuscript, and I look at it,
and I don't have two lines.
I have fifty-two rows of lines, all in Chinese, and I have one day to learn them!
At this point I'd been in China for three months and I hadn't studied Chinese before that,
so my Chinese was terrible at best. And as you might know there's no
way to figure out how to pronounce a Chinese character by just looking at it.
So the first thing I had to do was to transcribe all of my lines into pinyin,
which basically is Chinese written using the Latin alphabet.
And then I had to translate it all into English to know what the heck I was saying.
So next day I get to the set at like 7 AM, and this is like the biggest sitcom
in the province, with millions of viewers, so at this point I'm pretty freaking nervous.
But there's no backing out so they're like: "Three! Two! (One!) Go!"
And the scene starts, and, yeah, let's just freaking watch it.
♪
♪ theme song in Mandarin ♪
I don't even know what the sitcom is about.
The intro just has a bunch of lobsters in it.
I think they're running some sort of like lobster restaurant. (That is correct)
♪ Mandarin theme song continues ♪
Oh, there I am!
♪ Mandarin theme song continues ♪
Happy Lobster Stall: Foreign Wife Catherine
OK, this is seriously having me shake. I have hardly shown this to anyone.
But it's, it's time. I'm just gonna put it all out there.
I need to move on. OK, here we go here's my grand entrance.
I’m just here to check out what the wife of Boss Zeng’s son looks like.
She's in the store. Changle is watching.
Mr. Zeng, we're home!
You're home!
Hi aunty, long time no see.
Xiao Wei, you've changed a lot! Of course.
Let me introduce to you, my girlfriend.
I am Catherine. I come from the US.
[laughs] Okay, we need to pause this!
It's line number one, it's the easiest one. I basically just say my name and I'm like [choking sound]
Can we just rewatch that sequence?
I am Catherine.
[laughs]
What is that laugh?! I don't know!
"I just said my name, hahaha, what a funny...joke!"
[mockingly immitates laughter]
I'm from America.
He sure can speak (English).
Speaking without notice, you scared us!
Come, sit down, sit down.
Come, Lan Xiang. Sit, sit.
Uncle, but I'm really cold wearing these clothes. I've been shivering the entire time.
I did actually do that pretty convincingly, being cold. Just...
We don't have Lunar New Year in my country.
Yeah, they have something like "Chris-mist" there.
What do you mean "Chris-mist", it's called "Christmas"!
We have Christmas, Christmas trees and Christmas presents, just like your Lunar New Year.
We had to retake this scene 14 times, and out of those 14 times
this was still the best delivery that I got, just mid sentence being like:
[mockingly stutters in Mandarin] ("Chrismas... Christmas presents")
Christmas presents, just like your Spring Festival.
[mockingly stutters in Mandarin] Ugh... so... hard!
...super good-looking.
Stop it, you're embarrassing me...
Hey, let me tell you...
You can just see me radiate the love I feel for this man.
♪ Every night in my dreams I see you ♪
Some things you just can't fake.
Treat me as your dad.
- Stop it! - No problem!
If it's like that, then at least I have...
If I look clueless, it is because I am clueless. But I'm just covering up by either like really
shaking my head or just like smiling around. This is all defense mechanisms.
This tape could be used as a study of defense mechanisms in human beings.
Come, come, come!
It's New Year's, a red packet for everyone! Here you go!
No, it's fine.
It's lucky money, take it!
Why are you giving me money? I have money.
I'm like, "You don't have to give me money! I have money!"
I'm gonna start saying that whenever somebody tries to give something to me.
I'll just be like, "I don't need this thing! I already have things!"
Sassy American, Simone!
"Gong xi fa cai (= gung hey fat choy), give the red packets to me."
Wow, she learned that phrase pretty quickly.
After the first scene, it's the only time in my life that I've had a blackout.
I could not remember my lines even if my life depended on it.
It felt like somebody had taken my brain out and put it in a food blender and then just like poured it back in.
I got on set at 7 a.m. and we were filming until 1 a.m., because
that's how much I sucked. As the day went along, people just got more and more annoyed with me.
Eventually, like, the Chinese actors would be like [annoyed grunt] whenever I
got it wrong and I remember the producer just like sitting with his face in his hands
and being like, "oh my God". I basically made people facepalm.
Not a great feeling.
Come on, come on in.
Put everything on the table
Let me make sure we have everything.
Uncle, why do we need to buy so much stuff?
That's because when we celebrate New Year's in China,
all the shops will close
so we have to prepare ahead of time.
Won't it go bad if we buy so much?
So tired and so in love!
Uncle, why are there so many kids playing with firecrackers? It's so dangerous.
So concerned. Inquisitive!
I could use this as a highlight reel for my acting skills. Just all the emotions.
I hear the firecrackers as soon as I wake up,
it's like living in a battlefield.
Oh my god...
I have to watch that again.
Oh my god... Who's gonna be saving Private Katherine?
I love New Years couplets. I know how to write them too!
Why do the dumplings just lie there? Why don't they stand up?
That's because your making them like chive pasties!
[uproar of laughter]
[fake laughter]
Is this the right reaction to what just happened? I don't know.
We're making dumplings... that much I know.
I know about Peking opera and hualian (opera makeup). I've watched them before.
I also know how to sing the song "Jasmine Flower."
What?! You know how to sing "Jasmine Flower"?
Come on! Show us, show us!
Sing for us!
♪ What a beautiful— ♪
This is the worst part of it all.
They were like, "This foreign girl doesn't know shit. Can you do anything in Chinese?"
And I'm like, "Yes, I can do this one song in Chinese."
And this song is basically like the equivalent of "Twinkle Little Star"... is that what it's called in English?
The ♪ twinkle, twinkle, little star ♪...
I think if I would've been, like, "I can turn my eyelids inside-out" they'd just been like
"Okay just do it, whatever you can do. We have to have something where this girl actually does something."
♪ What a beautiful jasmine flower ♪
♪ Sweet-smelling, beautiful, full of buds ♪
"Oh, she can't sing? We don't care! We don't care if every tone is off."
"Just have her do something that actually works."
"Just do it. Just do it."
♪ —full of buds ♪
♪ Fragrant, white, and everyone praises it ♪
[cheering & applause]
It's basically a hamburger! Roujiamo (meat sandwich)!
Hamburger? Hamburger "big" and this one "so small"!
Mini hamburgers!
Rubbish! (to Catherine) Let me tell you...
[slowed down distorted sounds]
So crazy!
Very good! "Healthy body and tasty food!"
She even knows the words to the commercial for the Lantian Liubizhi toothpaste!
She's great!
Hey, don't change the subject.
You can see I have a note in my lap.
They're like not even trying to hide that I'm looking at the note.
...you two are going to the States next year.
Xiaowei (my husband) teaches me well.
Lan Xiang!
I invite all of you to come together to America next year. My treat.
I invite all of you to come to America. My treat.
Can we just take a moment and think about this face?
Because this is very educational.
if anyone at any point does this face,
get some help, because this person is in serious pain.
This is not a face of consent. Just stop whatever you're doing.
I don't even think I can do it anymore. I have to be in, like, true pain.
Is that it?
I think we're getting there.
I have presents for all of you.
Oh, I'm giving everybody presents. At this point they were like, "We're not
getting any good chinese out of this girl. Let's just have her speak English."
So they fortunately just let me improvise in English. I just made it up as I went along.
For a handsome man like you, I've got an electronic watch.
Oh I get one too?
[mockingly:] "I got an electronic watch." Wooow! I think I'm hitting on him!
There's a plot twist right here. Boom!
Electronic watch! That's how you pick guys up.
And because you're beautiful like a flower I give you this.
She's saying that you look especially beautiful.
Just like a flower.
I think I'm coming on to her as well. The sexual tension is just everywhere.
I like China, and I also like handsome Chinese men.
I like China and I also like handsome Chinese men.
I must have been ovulating or something...
Yeah.
She's economical, smart, able to manage a family, knows how to...
It's done. The deed is done.
Words cannot convey the things I feel for this tape.
Bad words might...but they just, they're just not enough.
I did not get in front of a camera for six years after doing this,
just to deal with the trauma of this experience.
So yeah, there you go. That is the worst day of my life
and I have it on tape. Eff that day so hard.
Do you have any similar stories? Please share them in the comments and make me
feel better about this train wreck.
Talk to you later.
I think it's pretty safe to conclude that I didn't peak during my teenage years. Nope.
I think that's a good thing.
Okay.
Done.