Few things can be more aggravating than when your grown child is disrespectful. I'm here
to help you with three powerful responses. Let's give this a try.
All three of these responses are simple. Now simple and easy aren't the same thing. But we'll give you
some techniques that you can use to immediately apply any of these three for a better outcome. As a
professional psychologist, I have had the privilege of working with people of all ages and that's why
I have some unique insight into what's going to work for you as you work with your young adult
child. Some of this comes right back to basic psychology and a brain mechanism that's built
in to each one of us. You're going to see this in your kids but you might see it in yourself as well.
It's called the fight or flight response. This is a natural protective instinct that our brain has
and when it kicks in there are chemicals flooding our system that prepare our body to do one of
those two things. Either put up our dukes and fight or get the heck out of there and which one is
going to help our relationship more or you don't like your choices? This is why it's so important
to understand the psychology behind it. You're going to feel triggered from time to time. You're
watching this video because you have some concerns about your adult child being disrespectful. How
does that impact you? Notice that it stirs up some of those fight-or-flight responses and honestly it
does require a level of initiative and maturity that some of us are uncomfortable with. But that
you can totally do when you're aware of it. See those feelings coming up in yourself and then
as you understand that your own neuropsychology is being compromised by that fight-or-flight response
here's the response you can insert instead. I call it the power of the pause. The power of the pause
meaning push the pause button for a moment, stop. So that you have a chance to cool down or to think
it's okay to buy some time. This has some very attractive side effects with your young adult
child too. Because what we're doing is backing off from the intensity. We don't want to trigger their
fight or flight response either. So in the power of the pause just push the pause button and here's a
basic rule, don't respond until the adrenaline is gone. Adrenaline is a chemical that gets triggered
into your body into your bloodstream that causes your heart to speed up. That causes your breathing
to become more rapid and shallow. That causes you to go into that fight or flight response.
We want that to chill out before we actually respond and part of the reason for that
is that it changes your brain function. It actually redirects some of the blood flow in your brain
to make it harder to actually think do logic, problem-solving, rational thought.
We want to re-engage that. So, push the pause button don't respond until the adrenaline is gone.
That's our first of those three powerful responses. Powerful response number two consider
an apology. I know... this is a hard thing to do but here's the thing
it doesn't mean that you're wrong. It probably means that you're humble and open and that is
going to open up the door for a better interaction with your disrespectful young adult. Apologies
can be a powerful way of putting yourself in position to have a different conversation. You'll
know that this is something that you probably should consider if you're picking up on some
anger or resentment from your young adult. Just be open to the possibility that something that you've
done whether intentionally or unintentionally has hurt them in some way, has offended them. It doesn't
mean that you intended that it just means that you're open to the correction. Does that make sense?
So you're not admitting guilt or that your fault. It just means be open to an apology and own it.
It has to be something that you can actually get behind okay, "Son, I'm really sorry that I said some
things that hurt your feelings", another form of an apology could be asking for forgiveness. I've used
this strategically in high conflict situations where I wasn't even a party to the whole thing.
I was there as a professional consultant and I said, "Will you please forgive me for...",
whatever it is, okay. This has a way of disarming people bringing down the defenses and opening up
some of the possibilities for where we can go from here. Powerful response number two
consider an apology. Hey, as we're having this conversation I'm really curious about
how this is working for you. Would you take a moment go down to the comments down below
and just tell us what you've tried and how it worked for you. Let's get some engagement going
that way. One more powerful response and I saved this one to last because I think this is probably
the most powerful communication skill that I teach in my practice. In the trainings that I do in the
seminars. Here it is, listen to understand and you put that as a priority in the communication.
Think about it, a lot of times you go into a communication with this thing in mind that you
really want to get across and yes that's important but guess what everybody else in the conversation
is coming to it with this thing in mind that they want to get across and that's why we see so much
conflict in communications. Everybody's trying to be understood. Who's going to do the understanding?
Step-up take it on take the high road and be the one to listen first to understand. Take
this little thing that you want to share and stick it on a shelf for safekeeping.
Because if you throw it out there at first it's probably not going to be received anyway.
Keep it on a shelf until you've taken the time to listen to understand. With all of
the young adults that I have interviewed about their conflicts with their parents.
Most of them feel that their parents aren't listening and that's what causes the conflicts
and the disruptive sometimes disrespectful behavior. Let's see if we can turn that
around you take the position first to listen to understand that's our third powerful response.
This is a whole different endeavor to parent young adults but you don't have to do it alone.
We've got more resources for you including this video that's up next. Three big skills that every
parent of a young adult needs to know and maste. Click that one next and I'll see you over there.