well david i got a new way of like checking out a girl when you first
meet her to find out what she's really like i say i just come after i say do you
do you like david lee roth from that van van halen yeah you say that too yeah and if when
she says oh i think he's really funny he's got a great sense of humor i say nice seeing you
that's a new new thing i have is that kind of a put down
no i love david actually i love the way he jumps speaking of show business
and and we're talking about show business remember uh morgan fairchild she's written a book if you
want to be in in show business on how to do things properly and one of which uh you have to
learn how to smile downward and uh i received a letter from debbie jeff and debbie from uh hodson
by the way jeff and debbie hodson from somewhere in louisiana we lost the envelope sorry they sent
me this photograph this is their dog and as you can see the dog has perfected the downward smile
now let's let's compare that downward smile to the one that that morgan has perfected let's see
if we can get a shot of the two of them together yeah okay
you have to do that if you're going to be in show business
we have a wonderful show for you tonight ladies and gentlemen let's get right oh
let me i forgot something uh drop the the calendar down if you will
yes sir
we're not kidding around anymore
that was neat wasn't it wasn't it
and the beach party movies when something like that would happen they'd say wasn't that
uh okay uh let's get on with our viewer mail for tonight this is the night
we set aside to answer our voluminous viewer mail letter number one begins hi david i enjoy
your show very much however i am curious about why you ask paul shaffer about anything he is
an excellent musician loaded with talent and pretty darn funny in his own right
however whenever you ask him for answers to almost any question invariably he'll say
i don't know watch some past programs of yours and you'll see he says i don't know a lot fondly sandy
marcus julian uh from chicago illinois uh chicago paul isn't isn't chicago the capital of illinois
well the capital of illinois is springfield but i can't show up my pal dave on national tv
uh i don't know dave why would you like jasmine
uh all right uh here we are let's go on to letter number two
dear dave how come you never read an entire letter when you read viewer mail
i think that taking things out of context is a major problem in today's society
if i were to say barry hatchet is an illiterate fool you could circle that part of my letter
and make me look pretty dumb then people might begin to think that barry hatchet is a dumb guy
and nothing could be further from the truth next thing you know my
think that people like barry hatchet are stupid and it signed your pal barry hatchet
well i very i guess we think that maybe reading the entire letter would take up too much time
dear dave letter number three begins cheerfully enough we were just watching your october third
program in which you called nancy the children's librarian from farmington and offered her a sony
tv if she would call off her tv boycott we are but poor college students and are forced to view
your show on a tiny 12-inch black and white television set we were just wondering since
you couldn't decide what to do with the sony if maybe you could give it to us so we could
enjoy your show to the fullest hopefully ben bradshaw steve stovall and jeff garrison from
abilene christian university in texas well this is not a bad idea it is uh the holiday season now and
it might be pretty nice to give away that remote control triniton trinitron color tv with the 26
inch screen let me let me just check for a second and see if we even have it around backstage it's a
beautiful it's a console model television it's just enormous and if it's available i uh oh yeah
well here is the tv and uh we really don't seem to be using it so as far as i'm concerned you guys
can have the brand new color tv hey you can't take this tv dave i'm using it as a doorstop doorstop
for that door right over there yeah well that that door already has a door stop but it might
break someday well then you just go to the shop and get another one all the way down the hall
oh yeah i see what you mean i'm sorry guys can't possibly give that up
here we go phil come out again
where are we by the way letter number four thank you hal
dear dave why is it that every night you come out and say that you're going
to have a great show but usually i fall asleep before paul can ingratiate himself
joe joe santella rensselaer polytechnic institute ps do i get a t-shirt for this
gee i don't know let me let me check the viewer mail gift chart see if you are eligible for a
t-shirt okay here's how we have it broken down if you submit to us a viewer mail that uh witty
brilliant profound you're going to hawaii if it's amusing and insightful you get the dream date with
phoebe cates moderately funny the stainless steel flatware uh produces a smile you get the t-shirt
marginal cup and sponge on down to totally stupid to get caustic drain cleaner uh gee i you know i
don't know if you're gonna get the t-shirt because it only goes down to totally stupid
well here we are at letter number five
dear dave what is that thing on your desk it looks like a giant silver cold capsule
sincerely fred scottles university of texas uh i think fred is probably referring to
this device right here uh you know frankly i'm really not sure what it is but there is
kind of an interesting story behind this and i remember the day it arrived
how what is this thing here uh never mind dave uh just leave it there
all right don't touch it no okay uh my first guest tonight is a talented comedian and uh
started out good you know we started out strong
i had nice feelings about this whole show we started out really hot it's a fabulous show
a thing like that you know we don't necessarily understand it it makes us
but it makes us laugh and we go with it well now we know we don't understand it but what you
don't need to call attention no my point was that it's just funny it's funny for some unknown nutty
reason and we go with it we slide into the show and just keep moving yeah so your advice in this
case would just keep moving just keep moving so far now off to a great great start we are fabulous
all right we're off to a great start ladies and gentlemen that's the assessment here in the studio
uh we're gonna we're gonna pause here for a couple of minutes and hose down the
audience with crushed ice we'll be back our first guest tonight is phil donahue