Every one of your meals... is a lie.
All of the pictures that made you chose your food, aren't even food!
That's it?
It’s not like there’s fly larvae in the batter or chocolate milk is actually bloody milk from over milking the cows and they just put chocolate in it to cover up the blood...
[quieter] to cover up the blood...?
No, just look at your food! Okay the syrup on those pancakes, that's motor oil, right?
The sliced turkey, that's painted with wood stain and rubbed in detergent. If you actually ate any of that, you would die.
It’s scary, right? No one knows what to believe anymore, and it's starving me!
...us!
Just you.
Soren, you had something to talk about. What was your thing?
See I like that one.
Yeah, that one's edgy. Let's do that.
So I would live out the rest of my life in a commercial?
No, you would live as yourself, in the world depicted by the genre of commercial.
So for instance, car commercials. It looks pretty sweet when you're out there driving all alone out on the road
until you realize what it means when you're the only driver out there. Ever.
Yeah, that is weird that car companies would advertise specifically to people in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
Porn store. No, porn and gun store. They have those, right? In the south?
I might be hypoglycemic. Just throwing that out there.
Scratch that. Yogurt commercials. Or tamp- or... any commercial having to do with a woman's bodily functions.
Sounds awful.
Decongestant ads, antihistamine ads, fiber ads; they all have one thing in common.
Sweatpants.
Bingo! All the women in these ads, they’re dressed down, they don't have on a ton of makeup, and generally look like they just got out of bed.
They're still hot, they're just frumpy. And totally candid about their bowel movements and snot.
They get me.
Wow! I just lost my appetite!
You're welcome! Plus I know they all get freaky, ‘cause they're all on the pill.
Those women are already in relationships, they already have husbands and boyfriends.
Husbands and boyfriends that are bumbling freaking idiots. The women in those ads, they don't want a smart guy they can talk about their yogurt digestion with,
that's what they’ve got friends for. They want a guy who doesn't even know what yogurt is. They want a man who will sleep through their colds.
And be amazed by air freshener technology! You don't stand a chance.
And they menstruate windshield wiper fluid.
That's not how this works.
Most would consider that an upgrade.
(Katie) It really is...
Okay, well, what about the fact that when things go wrong for these women, they go really really wrong?
When they get allergies, it's not just sneezing and itchy eyes, their whole body gets blurry. When they get a cold, the world turns black and white.
Yeah, pass. I only bone in high-def.
That's why I'm going with alcohol commercials.
Do you know that they spray pint glasses with deodorant to make them look frosty?
Didn't know, doesn't matter. Everybody in those commercials is really attractive, and the only people who have to work in that world are those bartenders,
and everybody else just gets to sit around and drink all day without gaining any weight.
Yeah, you don’t gain any weight because you're never drinking. There's a law that says that advertisers can't physically show people drinking alcohol.
Oh yeah, that's right. You never actually see anyone drink the beer, they just... hold it.
So? I'm me in this world I can drink all I want. In fact, I can probably drink more because nobody else is finishing their beers.
You'd be the only drunk in that entire universe. That's like getting sloshed at an AA meeting. All those sober eyes watching you.
And your beer gut, and your liver disease.
And then you die. And everyone has a party.
Cause that's all they do.
Yaaaaay!
He's dead!
As Seen On TV ads!
[raspberries are blown and napkins thrown]
Those are the least sexy ads on television.
I'd rather bang the colorless lady doctor with the blue menses.
You're judging me? You're the guy who wanted to live in a world where women do nothing but secrete fluids all day.
What do you think sex is?
What do YOU think sex is?
Everyone's an idiot in those commercials. How would you know you’d even left this diner?
Exactly. No one in that world can mow a lawn, or organize shoes, or even crack an egg without falling over.
They suck at everything. Imagine those people looking at you master simple tasks, that they could never even dream of completing.
“Hey look at that guy he can stand on a ladder all by himself!”
“Look at him, he's talking on a phone and sitting under a blanket at the same time!”
“Holy smokes, that guy is wearing a seatbelt and not freaking the fuck out! Let's make him major, let's make him God!”
They sell those big top cookies! They're 25 times the size of a regular cookie! 25 times!
But think about how lonely that would be. Every single day you'd have to interact with and help these idiots.
What if you get sick? Can you trust a doctor in a world where people get trapped in Saran Wrap?
Still though, gotta admit when those little machines open and those big top cookies come out they look...
... uh... fine... if you're into that, I guess. We could...
Food advertisements! The food looks great, and by people's reactions it must taste great too!
Yeah, but I mean, come on...
Perfectly cooked brisket that melts in your mouth, cereal that never ever get soggy, perfectly melted cheese on every juicy burger!
In this world I know it's just shoe polish and hot glue, but there... there it's real!
It's like I've been unshackled, and that I'm able to peek out of the cave for the first time!
Is that a Plato reference?
(Michael) Is that a cradle wetness?
(Daniel) Is that a ladled beverage?
(Michael) Is that a tainted necklace?
(Daniel) Is that a... Plato...?
[Laughter]