Every so often, a news item will pop-up about some state's crazy sex laws.
Whether it's a blowjob ban in Baton Rogue or a sodomy sanction in Charlotte or a handjob
hiatus in Hulamazoo- you get the idea.
And every time, I think, "they can't do that!
..Can they?
Should I not go to Hulamazoo?"
Well....
Here's the deal.
Some states have laws governing “crimes against nature” that are meant to regulate
- and I quote, “unnatural carnal copulation by a human
with another of the same sex, opposite sex, or animal”.
Those are the crazy sex laws.
They are both creepy and problematic, because what constitutes "unnatural" is totally up
to the state.
For example, Louisiana thinks it's unnatural for people to have oral sex, but
Kansas only thinks it's unnatural among same sex couples . Clearly there is no set answer
as to what is or isn't natural, and the states have the power to just decide whatever crazy
thing they want.
That's the bad news.
The good news is, none of those laws really matter.
In 2003 the supreme court ruled that your right to sexual privacy is protected under
the 14th amendment, so if what you're doing is between consenting adults and in private,
you're all set.
So bang away, cause Hulamazoo can't do a damn thing about it.
Unless….
you're either married, in public, legally dead, or doing it with an animal.
Believe it or not, in those cases - the rules are much less clear.
Infidelity can legally be prosecuted, in some States.
In 1983, for example, a Massachusetts woman got fined $50 for cheating
on her husband.
But not all states have the power to do that, and even ones that have that law on the books
are extremely unlikely to enforce it.
That Massachusetts example was the only one I could find.
Sex in public is banned everywhere we know of, but what constitutes public?
Can I just bang it out on my front lawn as long as no one's looking?
And what about orgies?
How many people does it take to make something public?
And if I'm in Massachusetts and my wife and I are in an orgy, are we gonna get fined fifty
dollars?
For dead people and animals it gets even weirder.
Most states don't have laws about the actual act of sleeping
with a dead person or an animal.
Instead, they have laws about digging up bodies and about animal cruelty, but none involving
actual sex.
It's all about consent.
And no one really knows what an animal can or cannot consent to, or what would happen
if a dead person consented before passing away.
I'm not saying you should do any of these things, - quite the opposite, in fact - I’m
just saying that regulating people’s sex lives is difficult, even when you’re talking
about something that seems straight forward, like not sleeping with dead people.
So the moral of the story: Wear a condom, and try not to sleep with any dead people.