• What book encourages kids to catch a life-threatening disease?
Which one uses a fruit as a euphemism for a vagina?
These are 15 of the most inappropriate books for children you’ll ever find.
15 – Curious George Takes a Job • Oh man, Curious George is always getting
into mischief.
Remember that time he hid from the Man With the Yellow Hat?
Or that other time he had a drug trip and passed out from huffing ether?
• Yes, that’s a real thing, and it happened in the SECOND Curious George book.
And it’s not just that he smells it – the sheer detail that the drug trip is described
with, well, let’s just say the author may have had some experience.
• The takeaway here is that huffing ether makes you feel like you’re flying.
Hear that, kids?
Go nuts!
14 – Who Cares About Elderly People?
• In fairness, this book is actually about why you SHOULD care about elderly people.
• The problem is that the title sounds like it’s saying, “psssh, who cares about THOSE
people.”
13 – Where Willy Went • This is exactly what it looks like, and
hey, good on them for dealing with a topic parents hate talking about.
• So quick plot summary here, Willy is a sperm.
He lives inside a man with 300 million of his friends, where they all prepare for the
Great Swimming Race.
• Nobody tell Willy that where he went is probably a tissue, okay?
12 – Maggie Goes On a Diet • You may as well call this book If You
Want To Stop Being Worthless, Stop Being So Fat, You Fatass.
• Sure, it’s trying to address childhood obesity, but the book barely even addresses
healthy living and exercise.
It just starts by telling us that Maggie is fat, unpopular, and has no friends.
• Then she loses weight, and can wear cute clothes and becomes everyone’s favorite
person ever.
So the message is basically, don’t worry about being a decent human being.
If you’re a skinny girl, everyone will love you regardless.
11 – The Muffin Muncher • Hey, let’s be fair to author Stephen
Cosgrove.
This is a book with a message about sharing and cooperating with others.
• He couldn’t have known in 1974 what muffin munching would come to mean four decades
later.
• This book is still available…
but it’s called “The Muffin Dragon” now.
10 – Fireflies for Nathan • She probably just means he’s gone for
the weekend, or maybe gone from Nana’s home when he went to live on his own.
• That, or Nana is just an asshole.
9 – Henry’s Special Coal • Just once simple question about this.
• What the hell is “special coal?”
And why does Thomas look like he may have already taken some?
• Well, in its native UK, there is an episode of the Thomas the Tank Engine TV series called
“Henry’s Happy Coal.”
That probably narrows it down.
8 – Melanie’s Marvelous Measles • This is a book glorifying how great it
is to have measles.
It’s about a girl who comes down with measles and LIKES it.
This book isn’t just saying that vaccine isn’t worth the risk, it’s saying that
it’s actually BETTER to get measles… than to NOT get measles.
• Just so we’re clear, measles is a potentially fatal disease that causes a high fever, severe
cough, diarrhea and occasionally, permanent brain damage.
7 – I Wish Daddy Didn’t Drink So Much • Okay, the title is funny, but this is
actually about exactly what it sounds like.
It’s a serious look into living with an alcoholic parent.
• We can have a chuckle at it because the title is amusingly straightforward, but lots
of kids have probably gotten a lot of help from this book, so let’s give it, and author
Judith Vigna, some respect.
• On the other hand, we can be awful people and have a bit of fun.
Here’s an excerpt: "I knew it was only Daddy in a Santa suit because he bumped into my
bed twice and spilled beer on the rug" 6 – My Big Sister Takes Drugs
• Judith Vigna strikes again!
• Just like I Wish Daddy Didn’t Drink So Much, this is a serious book for kids about
a topic that is difficult to dicuss.
• Also like that book, its title is so blatantly direct, it doesn’t even sound like a real
book title.
• There are a number of other Judith Vigna staples, and yes these are all very real and
very much written by the same person: o Saying Goodbye to Daddy
o My Two Uncles o Mommy and Me by Ourselves Again
o When Eric’s Mom Fought Cancer o She’s Not My Real Mother
o Daddy’s New Baby o Nobody Wants a Nuclear War
5 – Monsters Eat Whiny Children • Scaring kids into behaving by telling
them bad things will happen to them is a time-honored tradition, but this book seems a little light
on the “teaching a lesson” part.”
• It’s just a series of scenarios in which terrified children are packed into food while
monsters talk about how excited they are to eat them.
And then the kids escape because the monsters are ALSO whiny.
• In this format, it kind of just feels like a mean-spirited threat.
4 – The Loneliest Ho in the World • This book says it’s about Santa Claus’
“strangest and funniest adventure.”
• That is probably a very apt description for this story.
It just sounds like that story probably shouldn’t be told to anyone under the age of 18.
3 – Stinky Steve Explains Daddy's Dabs • Here’s a book in which a skunk named
Stinky Steve, who is appropriately sending up a cloud of green smoke on every single
book cover, educates kids on the nature of marijuana concentrates.
• This is part of a series of books about medical marijuana, all starring Stinky Steve.
• Some other titles are “Stinky Steve Explains Mommy’s Medibles,” and “Stinky
Steve Explains Why Papa’s in Prison for Pot.”
• That last one sounds like a joke, but look, it’s a real thing.
2 – Harpo’s Horrible Secret • Let’s address the elephant in the room
first.
Why is this old guy standing THIS CLOSE to this little boy?
• Is that the horrible secret?
• It’s not, actually.
Harpo’s great-granddad has Alzheimer’s, and Harpo himself is a stupid kid who doesn’t
understand what that means, so he thinks he has it too.
That’s the secret.
• So actually, this is just a highly questionable drawing.
Good one, Lori Block.
1 – If a Peacock Finds a Pot Leaf • They’re clearly going for the “If
You Give a Mouse a Cookie” thing here, but this is a little different.
Of course, if the peacock finds the pot leaf, chances are he’ll also find a cookie soon
enough.
• This is billed as both an educational children’s book and a fairy tale.
• Basically, Peter the Peacock finds a special kind of leaf, and all the other animals in
the forest tell him how rad it is.
• The totally real follow-up book is “If a Peacock Discovers Hemp Island.”
Okay then, tell us which of these you’re going to pick up and read to the nearest kid
you can find.
We’ll find our favorite comment below and pin it to the top!